Baby..

Do not for once think that you're stupid..
Because you're not..

You're an extremely intelligent person..
I'm serious..

Everyone is unique..
No 2 are alike even if they're identical twins..
and you..
have the patience for me..

I know I'm nowhere near perfect..
I know that I have many flaws..
that I've made you upset so many times..

Although you tell me that I'm good, I still feel lacking..
Probably that's how the both of us feel..
In some way,
we're lack of the confidence that we can be good enough for each other..

Maybe to you,
you feel that there are other better guys out there..
that you're not good because you make me upset..
that you cannot and are not doing good enough..
But that's not true...

I also did things that made you upset..
I also think that there're better girls out there..

I guess all that matters is that we try hard..
Pray hard..
and leave it to God..

Of no fault of your own things became like this...........

I know that I'm not good enough..
that somehow or other I don't seem to be able to give you what you need..

You are a simple guy..
wanting basic things..
probably I'm too complex..
thinking along the lines of giving "more than what is expected"
but missing out on the day to day things that you are looking for.

I won't attempt to sell myself in anyway because whatever I've done is nothing as compared to yours..
You ignored your horrible day in school..
the feeling of loneliness because you do not know anyone in your class and probably found it hard to interact with them in many ways..
to make a long trip down to Vivocity to get the tickets for us..
then made your way to my work place to fetch me..

You accompanied her..
took care of her..

Yet when you wanted me there to just be by your side..
I was on the phone..
I won't even bother to explain why was I on the phone..
Guess that wouldn't really matter anyway..

You don't like me to be on the phone when I'm with you..
Maybe it's because you want me to be yours alone..
Maybe you just needed me to affirm that I need you there and that you're important to me..

If all that I've done before or am doing does not show you in anyway that you mean a lot to me..
then I guess I've been doing everything wrong..

You constantly need encouragement and acknowledgement..
You feel insecure and lonely..
Probably I haven't been showing you your importance..
Or I've not been giving you the encouragement you need..
Maybe I'm the source of your insecurity..
Or maybe the one who intensifies your loneliness instead of minimising it..

Today..
you did not send me home..
instead,
you said that you'd take the straight bus home instead and left me to take the train back..

If it were me in the past,
I'd turn and walk away,
switch off my phone and not even bother to sms you..
but today,
I took the train and changed a bus to go to your place,
sat at the bus stop to wait for your return.

I can't even remembered how long I've waited..
or how long I've cried..
it doesn't matter as long as I got to see you..

I'm afraid..
I really am..
afraid of losing you..
afraid of making you angry..
afraid of making you upset..
afraid of you walking away..
that you'd give up somehow..

I know you care..
when you told me to stay indoors..
that some stairs act as wind tunnels than shelters and asked me to avoid those stairs..
I felt happy..
and yet I cried..

My inability has rendered me more human than others..
A limit I could surpass only if I broke that barrier..
and I said that you had a barrier..
maybe I had one too..

Perhaps yours is easier to break..
but hard to maintain because you'd build it up again..
Yet it seems that mine has always been there..

Today..
I felt empty once again..

I swore I could hear her singing with me..
as in it really was her..
I could feel her beside me..
but I know her thoughts are all about him..
I know that I'm not as important as he is..
and I wish I could allevate her pain..
but I can't..

When you walked off..
when you took the bus..
I didn't know I felt the hurt..
but I know that I felt empty..

And I've tried..
and am trying..
and I don't want to stop..
but I don't know what's the limit..
and I fear that once I reach that limit..
I'll just breakdown..

I'm afraid......
I really am..

~ My heart can't possibly break, when it hasn't been whole to start with.. ~
~ You promised you'd always be with me.. maybe in someways you still are.. but I miss you so much.. ~

Went to Tan Tock Seng for my review yesterday..

The doctor was very nice.. :) Friendly too.. Well... I finally found out the name of my condition..

It's known as Vasovagal Syncope (for more infomation click here)

I'll update later when I have more time..

Loads of work coming in now.........

This is how I view things would end..

You walking in front with me tagging behind..
knowing that I hurt so much but I can't seem to do anything and you don't seem to care or you don't want to bother anymore..

OR

Me walking in front trying to walk away from the pain with you walking behind wondering why it came to this..

OR

The both of us walking in different directions, confused and hurt yet not knowing what else to do..

I know that it is not good to talk about things like that especially when we have just started out not so long ago but I really feel this way..
and I don't want to..
but the last 2 days felt that way..

I know I made you angry when I didn't take my lozanges..
I know that I made you upset when I couldn't make it to meet you..
I'm sorry...

But I hope that you'll still bother..
I hope that you'll still care..
at the end of the day..
I hope you'll still be mine..

And I don't want to talk about compromising..
I feel that it should be natural..
I know that you have been real nice and all..
I don't want you to feel alone again..
EVER..
but no matter how I try..
No matter what I do..
I feel that it's not enough..
Because in the end you still tell me that you're used to it..
That it's good to be alone..

It feels like my efforts are futile..
that my love cannot pass those walls built by you..

When you stare at me with those cold eyes that tell me you don't care,
I don't know how to react..
When your voice sounds so icy and distant..
I don't know what to do..

And you say that you're used to it..
that you've been like that in the past..
that you've been like that for your whole life..

Am I that hard to be with?

I feel that I've been very submissive..
I don't really put on a fight whenever you ask me to do things..
And it's not because you force me to do things..
But I do it willingly..
I've never been so submissive to anyone..
Not even to those before you..
And even I rebel against authority at times..

I'm no goody two shoes..
Step on my tail and you'll see what you'll get..
I'm not one who can be pushed around as you like..

Yet..
In front of you..
I'm like a docile lamb,
a gentle dove,
a fragile piece of glass..

I thank you for your constant encouragement..
for your care and concern..
for your love..
for the many things that you've unknowingly gave..
Thank you..
and if you feel that I'm not giving enough..
or that I'm not good enough..
please tell me..

I just hope.....
that you can step out of your loneliness..
that you will not keep rebuilding the wall around you..
that you will walk out and see that there are many people around you who love you..
that you are not ugly and detestable..
that you are worthy to be loved..
that you are intelligent..
that you are wonderful..
that YOU ARE SPECIAL..

And to quote what you told me..
the things that the gifted people make have flaws and holes in them but they're still beautiful..
and so are you..

Baby..
This is dedicated to you..
Love you..




~I'm proud of you baby.. really am..~
~I give my love to you~

Had lunch with Nat over at the teahouse..
It was very nice considering the fact that I haven't seen her in a LONG time..

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This song was sung by Daphne yesterday as one of the ending items of NRA Danzation..
It really is extremely nice..
Anyone with the song please tell me..
I would like to have it too..

Do I Make You Proud - Taylor Hicks

I've never been the one to raise my hand
That was not me, and now that's who I am
Because of you, I am standing tall

My heart is full of endless gratitude
You were the one, the one to guide me through
Now I can see and I believe
It's only just beginning

[CHORUS:]

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?

I guess I've learned, to question is to grow
That you still have faith, is all I need to know
I've learned to love, myself in spite of me
And I've learned to walk, the road that I believe

[CHORUS:]

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?

Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved
To be loved

[CHORUS:]

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you, do I make you proud?
There ain't no question, just do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?
Do I make you proud?

Many things have happened over the weekend..

Friday

I was so busy that I didn't even have the time to blog!
It was like a war zone here..
Papers cluttering my table..
Everyone was rushing like crazy..
and we HAD TO leave the office by 5.30 because of the renovations that were going on..

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Saturday

Had our very first private lesson..
I would say that it's very tiring yet detailed..
EXTREMELY DETAILED..
It's only till now that I found out that my cha cha is really LIKE SHIT..
All along I knew it wasn't all that good..
I didn't know that it was actually THAT BAD..

After private, I had to rush down to Singapore Poly for the Inter-Poly Students' Union (IPSU) networking lunch..
Didn't really do much there..
Made a few acquaintances..
Met up with some others I haven't seen in a year..
The presidents' made a presentation on the events we had and will be having..
and that's about it..

Went back to the studio for practice night..

I practiced so much that blisters are forming on my feet..
Clar, Bryan, baby n I took bus 70 home that day..
When I got down from the bus, my feet and thighs hurt so bad I was literally limping..
Baby's so sweet..
He actually carried me all the way from the bus stop back home..
It's up the overhead bridge and down..
up a flight of stairs..
and a straight road
He was raining by the time he let me down..
Thank you so much baby..
You're the best!
*muacks*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday

Went for NRA's dance production - Danzation
I would have to say that I enjoyed myself thoroughly..
they are REALLY good..
Saw Michelle, Lena and Jaime there..
and also a bunch of people that we didn't want to see..
Bought Chin Pei a hand bouquet and she cried upon receiving it..

Gal..
You make me proud..
You're really good in your dance..
I wish I can be like you..
But..
Yup..
I'll practice harder.. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby..
Thank you for all your constant encouragement..
and for not giving up on me..
Thank you so much..

~Do I make you proud?~

It's like a war zone here..
We have 8 Cost Projections & 4 RAIT & Memos to complete..
That's about 12 things..
Besides that,
we still have to call log and update RE..
Nice..
We couldn't even go out for lunch..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thank God that you're awake..

I'll take care of her for you..
I'll take care of him for you..
I'll take care of myself..
I won't give up so easily..
I will try hard..
I'll keep my promises..

So take care of yourself too..
You must also be happy..
I still want to go on graduation holiday with you..
We still have many things that we have not done..

I await your return..

~ And between now and then.. till I see you again.. I'll be loving you.. ~

I took half day MC yesterday because I am falling sick..
I am starting to think that I should not rest so much because it seems that after resting for a long period of time, my body seems to break down.

Baby brought me to Sizzler (Toa Payoh) for dinner..
The food there was delicious!
It was value for money and really nice - baby was so full he was stuffed :P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby..
I'm sorry..
Although you say that it's not totally my fault, I still apologise because you had advised me against it and yet I still do it..
I'm sorry...

God..
Help me not to make the same mistakes again..
I'm sorry...
Help me to stand firm to the right decision..

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A poem to end off this post.....

You are the Sun

You are the sun,
I am the moon.
When you shine your light upon me,
I feel warm inside.
When you go down and I arise,
I think about you always.
When I'm up in the sky,
I think about your beauty
And your love.
I think about how lucky I must be,
To have the sun within my heart.
Everytime I look at you,
I see love.
I think about how I would enjoy
Spending the rest of my life
With you forever more.
Everytime I look at you,
I am reminded that God knew
What He was doing
When He created you.
Within the eyes of love.

I just came back from lunch at Hougang Point.

Baby's working at Raffles One Link and he's working for Credit Suisse..

Ok that aside..

Had a long talk with baby last night (this early morning rather) about him. He can't seem to stop thinking and that results in him being unable to sleep at night.

He worries that he isn't good enough.. the weird thing is that he claims that he has trust in me and in God but he doesn't trust himself.
I told him how important he is to me.. reminded him of the things that he's done for me that other people will not have and the such. I suppose everyone needs to be encouraged at some time or another. I didn't know what he needed to hear at that time but I knew that he needed encouragement.

And this is to encourage all of you.

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." Philippians 4:6 (KJV)

Baby.. don't think so much.. Trust in God.

Today's been a long day..
I had to do a CP, 1 RAIT, 1 memo..
Had a 3 hour long meeting..
Rushed through lunch..
I'm so tired..

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Learnt formation yesterday during dance and I can say that it's no easy feat.
I was EXTREMELY UPSET.
Ok... I know that I'm not very intelligent and that my brain cells are probably degenerating at 10^infinity per second.
Still... you need not show me that kind of expression or reaction.
I am trying.
It is of no fault of my own that I am tired and I can't get my steps.
I work from 0830 to 1730, rush down from work and didn't have a morsel of food except that small piece of cake that we all had. Having the energy to dance the way I could is already in itself an achievement.
In dance (especially the promanade run) the girls HAVE TO lead the guys!
I am trying my very best to not lead you in other aspects of the dance but at least do your job in leading me and let me do mine when it's my turn to.

I don't blame you...
'cause you could get your set of the steps while I can't..
I can't expect you to keep practising with me just because I'm slow and dumb and can't get my steps correctly..
All I ask is for a little more understanding..
I am putting in effort..
I am trying..
Don't put me down that way..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby was very encouraging..
Telling me that he could see that I was putting in effort.
That girls are always right on the dance floor.. :P

He gave me a shoulder to cry on..
Lent me a listening ear..
and showered me lots of care and concern..
coupled with lots of hugs..

Thank you so much..
*hugz*

~Sometimes it's the little things that people do that make them so special~

Yizhao was the 1st to comment on this..

"I'll try not to get jealous..'cause after all, jealousy happens because you're infatuated with that someone and not love.."

Ok...
let me attempt to clarify myself.

In 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 of the King James Version of the Bible it is stated:

'4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things'

In another translation (which will seemingly be easier for you all to understand):

'4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'

Jealousy as defined in the American Heritage Dictionary means:
Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness

So the obvious recurring word here would be ENVY.

Need I explain more?

I did something out of the blue today.
I actually talked to shingo on MSN..
and although it was a short conversation of only 5 lines in total, I'm glad that we're actually talking.

Things take time.....
it's been quite some time already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jealousy.

It seems to be a common feeling especially when you have feelings for that special someone in your life. Yet, jealousy sprouts mainly because of the lack of trust in the opposite party.

I will have to admit that I used not to feel jealous, however I do now and I am sure that it is not because of lack of trust.

Sometimes, the closeness between them might cause jealousy.. I know I do stir up some of those feelings in him too..

I'll try not to get jealous..
'cause after all,
jealousy happens because you're infatuated with that someone
and not love..

It seems that you've been through quite a bit in the past few months...

We've not contacted in many ways.
I'm still on the blocked list of your MSN I suppose.. and seriously speaking.. I can't even remember your email.
Your numbers were deleted from my handphone.
Your contact deleted from my MSN.

It did seem as though you were avoiding me.. probably I was doing that too..
and I know you don't want to have anything to do with me..
but there's a slight hope that we'll be able to remain friends..

I caught a glimpse of you yesterday and you did look slightly different.

Your last relationship has ended not so long ago and I know you're hurting badly.
If I could, I would lend you a listening ear...
But..
You're probably not reading this either.

Being affected by others is natural, be it by what others do or say.

Personally, I've experienced a lot of it.

Not everyone will think that you're the best thing that's happened in their lives and that's what makes the handful of people who feel that way important in our lives.

I would have to say that even 'friends' will talk bad behind your back.. but if they do so, they aren't really your friends but mere aquaintances who just happen to know you a little longer.

True friends stick by you no matter what wrong you do.. no matter how horrible you are. They stay in your life when others walk out. They'll stand by you, on your side to shield you from the darts of the rest. - That's why friends are so important to us.

There are many hypocrites in this world.. those that appear to be your friends in front of you and talk bad about you behind your back without your knowledge. And these are the kind of people that you have to be wary of..

Do be aware.. that walls have ears..
You have no idea who might be listening to those conversations or get wind of them and tell them to the person/people involved..

To those who're being talked about, or things commented on, do take it with a pinch of salt. Gossips die down..