I FINALLY gt my lap top back.. sorry for nt blogging guys..

Things have been on the rocks for the both of us recently.. he keeps saying tt I dun have time for him.. tt I dun care.. dun bother..

Maybe it really is me.. my fault for nt having time for him.. bt still he shouldn't have said somethings he said..

We quarrelled on the hp 2 early mornings before.. it lasted for 2 over hrs.. n ended with me saying tt I wanted to go to slp.. bt the truth is far frm tt.. I couldn't slp till 6+, 7..

I was supposed to go out with Xian Xiang yest.. in the end.. I went to catch a movie with him instead.. nt tt I mind.. bt I had to let Xian Xiang find his own entertainment.. So sorry.. I was juz trying to do smtg to hopefully salvage the situation..
He's sick.. wanted to find med to bring for him.. bt couldn't find it.. so didn't go down.. Besides.. I was sick.. n I took med 1 hr before I decided to go to slp.. n he msged me to say tt I didn't care..

In all this.. I was at fault.. for nt respecting him.. for nt caring enough.. for being too bz n caught up with my stuff..
He said I've changed.. I wasn't like this b4.. I showed him due respect n all b4 this.. maybe I did.. maybe all tt's happened is a sign..

It's no longer a choice.. It's a final decision.. whether to stick thru it.. or to choose the easier.. yet harder choice.. I dun wanna think of tt as a choice..

Nth.. is fair.. U might be selfish n want what u hope to have bt nth is as simple as it seems.. U all might tell me nt to think so much.. bt prob it's juz me.. the same as him.. he totally LOVES to be pessimistic over EVERYTHING n even when I tell him otherwise.. He'll still think in tt way.. n am I to take the blame for everything? It's nt fair when ALL the blame is pushed to me in a quarrel although I know tt I do have my misgivings.. n it isn't fair tt we're quarrelling!

I guess tt there are alternatives to learning what u muz learn n to do what u muz.. n nt juz what u feel like doing.. tt's the difference between who u are.. n who u think u are..

Now.. I dunno what I want.. I dunno what is happening.. y it is.. bt I guess.. in time.. I will..

It all takes time...

Watched Chronicles of Narnia yest.. it's VERY nice..

There's a meaning behind it..

There's a part where Aslan was killed.. the meaning behind it is v significant.. it's like telling us of Jesus' death.. when He died although He was innocent.. and was resurrected.. He chose to die for us although we've sinned.. and He did it willingly..

Winter's gone.. Spring's here.. Winter means the cold hearts.. and Spring means the melting of the hearts.. shows tt with faith, the sunlight of the the heart.. it'll melt all hearts.. and can only be done by faith.. God..

U all should watch the show.. really good..

Christmas.. what's the true meaning of it?

It's nt the receiving of presents.. neither is it the giving of it.. the true meaning of it is that God gave His only Son to come and save His ppl.. it's Jesus' birth.. and the meaning behind it..
Christmas.. is nt "juz another holiday".. it's a day worth of celebrating.. nt cos it's a holiday.. bt cos of God's gift to us.. which is the best gift of all..

Dear.. hope tt u'll understand it in time..

The past wk was one hectic week.. VERY bz.. sigh..

Challengers camp was ok.. quite fun.. bt I was stuck in the Welfare room for the whole 3 days.. :(

Tai tai came.. wah.. she made the camp turn out to be quite.. hmmm.. I dunno..

She's the best.. she went flirting with guys.. (she's a les mind u..) n she actually sat on his lap.. ARGH!!!

She could order Mac in for breakfast.. and scolded the telephone operator in the course of doing it..

Ok.. I shall nt talk so much abt her..

Chalet was fun! Didn't do much bt spent some meaningful time with the bunch of them.. Dar, ak, greg, lloyd, shishi n KY.. went arcade.. bowling.. haha..
Saw Qing Nan n Kelvin there..

Today.. dear was angry with me..
Then we quarrelled in public for the 1st time.. like EVERYONE was staring.. cos he was so loud.. n although I didn't raise my voice.. ppl could see tt I was agitated..

I finally gt the internet up.. AT LAST!!! aft such a LONG time...

Wanna slp alr.. nitez!

Love u dear.. love u dar..

One of the MANY things guys shouldn't do... is to ask a gal to be ur gf.. then tell her a few days later tt the reason for u asking.. is cos u wanted ur bro to get u smtg frm overseas n he asked u to find urself a gf first..

Pls..

Tt'll hurt..
She knows tt u're nt serious abt it.. so things wasnt tt bad..
Bt imagine..
What IF...
She didn't know..
n she really liked u..

Even for this case..
she was still upset..
What did u treat her as?
How can she nt be angry?

U're one fortunate guy..
Nv in ur life have u courted a gal..
yet u've gt gfs b4..

Maybe tt's y u dunno how to treat gals..
cos u nv tried doing ANYTHING b4..
Maybe tt's y they say u're a bad bf..

Maybe..

I wun know...

Gd news n bad news.. which 1st..

Ok.. I shall start with the bad..

Whatever I'm going through.. is repeating again.. n I thot I could get rid of it once n for all..

Gd news..

I'm chosen for IBSM.. together with Greg n Diana.. :)
Bt then again.. I've gt no $$.. sigh.. can start borrowing alr..

Read "The Daily Bread" today.. title is "But God..." I found it v gd..
Sometimes.. God has alr given us the ans..
Do we...
Follow what He says in obedience?
or..
Come up with some flimsy, silly excuses to disobey Him?

I admit.. I've been doing the 2nd one..

Everytime I'm faced with TT particular decision.. I'll say.. God.. I know I should obey U.. I think U're saying this.. BUT........

God.. I'm sorry.. Pls forgive me of my constant mistake.. maybe it's cos of tt tt's y everything's repeating itself OVER n OVER again..
Help me.. teach me..
Help me trust in U.. help me to take away the big BUT frm my dictionary.. and be obedient to all U've planned.. cos U alone knows what's gd n what's nt.. what's the best for us all..

"I dun understand how U can constantly forgive me.. even when it seems I dun change...."

I'm sorry...

All For Love - Hillsong

Verse 1:
All for love a Father gave.. For only love could make a way... All for love the heavens cried.. For love was crucified.

Pre-chorus:
Oh, how many times have I broken your heart... But still you forgive if only I ask..And how many times have you heard me pray..Draw near to me..

Chorus:
Everything I need is You
My beginning and forever
Everything I need is You

Verse 2:
Let me sing all for love.. I will join the angel song. Ever Holy is the Lord, King of Glory, King of All.

Bridge:
All for love a Saviour prayer.. Abba Father have your way.. Though they know not what they do.. Let the cross draw man to you

Today's sermon was v gd.. it was "Discovering the Lord's Peace in the midst of trials"..

We'll face trials in 3 aspects.. the heart, glory and flesh.. the peace tt we look for is rooted in Christ only.. and we should live lives glorifying God..

Choir practice wasn't tt gd.. think tt they gotta have more control.. I was like a bit impatient.. God.. I'm sorry.. help me to be more patient..

Today.. almost quarrelled with dear again.. cos I was telling him abt my packed schedule during the hols.. then I asked him to go to church on Christmas n New Yr's eve.. then he gt upset.. cos he didn't wanna spend the only time he has with me at church..

Dear.. I know u wanna spend time with me.. bt I'm always bz..
U're tired of giving.. tired of trying.. tired of everything tt's happening..
N for me.. yet for me.. I'm bz.. I'm pressed for time n everything else..

If I had another chance.. I would start anew.. nt do the things tt we know is wrong.. maybe nt start so soon bt wait till we've known each other more b4 doing anything.. coming to God together to ask of His grace and will..

Maybe this is it..
Maybe we can start over..

Pray abt it...

Went out with dar today.. stayed most the time at douby ghaut..

Dar gave me a necklace! She spent a lot on it.. in return, I bought her clothes.. :)

I saw this v nice pendant at Taka jewellery.. gt 4.. wanted to get one for myself, one for diana n one for nat.. bt I gt no money.. my bank like left with $29 only.. :(

At PS, there was this grp tt was invited over frm the Philippines.. there's this gal.. who sang a solo.. I dunno the title of the song she sang. bt it's really nice.. and the lyrics are really v meaningful.. I dunno the exact lyrics.. bt she sang smtg like.. "I dunno how U keep forgiving me when I do things wrong when it seems I dun change.." and the last song they sang was So You Would Come..

The main purpose of Christmas.. it's nt only for giving.. It's nt abt Santa.. or receiving presents frm ppl.. It's abt Giving.. abt God giving His only Son for us.. although we're so sinful.. although we do things wrong.. God is so merciful to forgive us..

Had Pepper Lunch for dinner.. yah.. u all should try.. :)

Dar.. I've nt felt so peaceful for a long time.. prob it's bcos I've been going further away frm God.. the songs I've heard today totally calmed me..

So You Would Come - Hillsong United

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

Today I feel more at ease.. I'm still confused.. bt cos of the letter.. n the chpts of a book tt Junius passed to me..

The title of the book - I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.. yeah.. it was once upon a time circulated among the teens in church.. I bought one for Michael for his bday abt.. 3 yrs back.. and now.. it's coming back again.. haha.. the wonders of it all.. God works things out.. everything..

In the past 2 mths especially, I've been thinking alot abt the present rlsp.. abt what's happening.. what's going wrong.. what's wrong.. what's right.. now.. I know..

Nth's right.. I've gotta find a rlsp tt's pleasing to God.. in His eyes.. there's this sub-chpt.. The Joy of Intimacy is the Reward of Commitment.. do u think u'll commit to any rlsp tt u're in now? Can u commit fully to it? Even the one tt u THINK will be ur other half might end up NT being ur future partner.. how will u feel then? Betrayed? Torn?
"You might say that intimacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed toward marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then it becomes obvious that most of our dating relationships are all icing. They usually lack a purpose or a clear destination. In most cases, especially when we're younger, dating is short term, serving the needs of the moment. We date because we want to enjoy the emotional and physical benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment." (Joshua Harris. "The Little Relationship Principle" pg 29 in I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

A rlsp tt involves too much physical contact or even the "simple" thought of having sex is wrong.. cos the thoughts are nv simple.. "God wants us to pursue purity and blamelessness in our motives, our minds, and our emotions" (Joshua Harris. "So This Is Love" pg 22 in I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

Then there comes the qns.. what is the greatest need.. what is MY greatest need..

A rlsp tt leads me away frm God isn't right.. isn't beneficial for me.. neither is it for him..

"What is true joy? It's found in God's brand of love - love founded on faitfulness, love rooted in commitment.
The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment."

I shall leave u all with these words...

"True love isn't just expressed in passionately whispered words or an intimate kiss or an embrace; before two people are married, love is expressed in self-control, patience, even words left unsaid." (Joshua Harris. "So This Is Love" pg 20 in I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

Pray.. only then will we know what God has planned..

These few days are... I dunno..

Stressful? There seem to be many things piling.. and nth seems to get done.. I think it's the prob of having on-going projects.. and it's MANY projects..

Yest, I told Alvin smtg.. smtg tt I know I cant tell anyone in SU.. I might nt be running for SU nxt yr.. so I told him.. tt he can be the president.. and work with his own committee..
It's.. v bad.. cos.. if he becomes the president.. SU might be more recognised.. bt no one will come back to help..

What to do? I'm bz enough as it is..

Dar gt admitted into the hospital last nite.. I dunno what happened.. bt she's on the drip.. think she fainted again.. she's like getting weaker each day.. it doesn't help tt projects are so heavy and the stress is getting more and harder to take..

God.. is it cos I'm doing too many things? Or cos I dun look to U enough.. or don't I look to U at all..?
Is it cos of my past mistakes or cos I'm too bz presently..?

I really cannot carry on like tt.. I can feel life being sucked out of me..

Help me Father..

My family's back... apparently they've learnt a lot from their 3-day trip to Cameron Highlands... esp the sermon tt they've heard tt was preached by a young Bible student..

It's on Ezekial 8..

The contrast between the God of the Old Testament(OT) and the God of the New Testament(NT)... notice tt in the OT, God is always punishing the Israelites and yet in the NT, He's portrayed as the God of love.. and why is it so? The Israelites sinned against God.. so does it mean that the ppl in the NT did nt sin against God or tt God has given up on them? Neither.. God, in Jesus came to save His ppl.. in His mercy, He gave His Son to suffer for His ppl's sake.

My dad let me read Psalms 139: 1-12

Psa 139:1 O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me.
Psa 139:2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
Psa 139:3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
Psa 139:4 For there is not a wordin my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
Psa 139:5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
Psa 139:6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
Psa 139:7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
Psa 139:8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
Psa 139:9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Psa 139:10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
Psa 139:11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
Psa 139:12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

Daddy asked me to read this passage in relevance to myself.. like..

O LORD, thou hast searched me, Deborah, and known me.

What I can say is that... I've really drawn apart from Him.. The devotion of the day when I opened e-Sword was this..

Once More on Continuing in the Word of His Grace

I commend you to God and to the word of His grace, which is able . . . All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. (Act_20:32 and 2Ti_3:16-17)

God's word (which is "the word of His grace") is characterized by heavenly capability: "which is able . . . and is profitable for." By God's grace at work, the scriptures can bring us increasingly into the wholeness that is ours in Christ, as well as fully equip us for service unto Christ. All of the word of God's grace is divinely inspired. "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God." Although written through the instrumentality of men, its message is what God wanted to say. Therefore, the word is able to bring great spiritual profit into our lives: "and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness." God's word "is profitable for doctrine." This involves the teaching ministry of the word, revealing to us the path of godliness. "Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path" (Psa_119:105). Also, God's word "is profitable for . . . reproof." This involves the admonishing ministry of the word, telling us when we are drifting from God's path. "Now all these things happened to them as examples, and they were written for our admonition" (1Co_10:11). Further, God's word "is profitable for . . . correction." This involves the restoring ministry of the word, calling us back to the straight and narrow path of godliness. "Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the LORD, and He will have mercy on him; and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon" (Isa_55:7). Finally, God's word "is profitable for . . . instruction in righteousness." This involves the transforming ministry of the word, moving us on down the path of Christlikeness. "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror [the mirror of the word] the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory" (2Co_3:18).

As we allow God's word to carry on this profitable, four-fold process, His grace is bringing us into a greater experience of the wholeness that is available to us in Christ: " that the man of God may be complete." Additionally, this process is preparing us comprehensively to serve the Lord in any manner that He desires: "thoroughly equipped for every good work.

"Dear Lord, I need the word of Your grace at work in my life daily. Please impact my life by the supernatural ability of Your word. Teach me, reprove me, correct me, and instruct me in righteousness that I might walk in Your wholeness and serve for Your glory, Amen.

Hope u all will benefit frm this post.. esp dar n dear.. Love u..

Dar was over at my plc the last 2 days.. Dear came for dinner too..

The dinner for this 2 days was great.. really.. VERY nice.. :P

The 1st nite.. we had spaghetti.. sauce was done with tomatoes, minced chicken fried with garlic, button mushrooms and the bottle of sauce.. had pig's kidney n liver soup.. sparkling juice - red grape.. n I think tt's abt it..

Breakfast was.. corn flakes with milk n hot dogs!

Today's dinner was beef steak.. side dishes include broccoli, carrot, tomato, baked beans, mashed potato (with mushroom gravy), campbell's soup (cream of corn chicken mushroom).. sparkling juice - red grape/peach.. had hot dogs too..

Nice.. really nice.. it's been a long time since dar n I have cooked together.. n it's def the 1st time 3 of us are in the kitchen at the same time..

Starting to miss them.. maybe it's cos I'm all alone at home now..
Maybe it's cos of all the excitement then now quiet..
Maybe it's a gd time to think back on all tt's happened..
Reflect..
Think what went wrong where..
What I did wrong..
What we did wrong..
Nt so much on cooking.. bt on everything else..

Did express mani n pedi today.. it's nice..

Dar, Robin, Ben n dear is at my plc..

I'm trying hard.. I'm doing my best.. I cant slp.. I cant rest.. although I know tt I'm v tired.. I still cant slp.. I have to try harder.. I can't rely on med..

My body seems to be telling me tt I cant do this for much longer.. bt I'm trying to hang on..

God.. help me.. Give me the strength to go on..

I really love u.. dar.. remain happy..

I'm in sch now.. having FMGT tutorial.. dear's accompanying dar to sch.. she's slping on his shoulders.. so sweet..

Dun be mistaken now.. I'm nt jealous at all.. I'm glad.. At least they're on gd terms..

Back to tt prob..

Someone was viewed as an alien cos of the face, the hair and the eyes.. at least the person is more receptive..

My heart and stomach's been aching.. I think it's heart burn.. bt it really hurts like crazy..

God.. help me..

How can u claim to be a person's best fren if..
U dunno what ur fren likes?
U cant seem to be able to communicate well with ur fren?
U dunno what to do at all?
U dunno how to handle ur fren?

How can u claim tt u love someone when..
U dun seem to understand tt person?
U dun think in the same frequency as tt person.. or so it seems..
Ur thinking is more for urself than for the other person or the rlsp as a whole..
U dun put urself in tt person's shoes to feel how tt person feels..

If I sound judgmental..
If u think I'm wrong..
I'm irritating..
So be it..

I'm highly unstable..
Extremely emotional..
Very bz..
Potentially crazy..
Dangerously on the verge of breaking down..

All I ask for..
is ur prayers..
ALL of ur prayers..
tt God will grant me grace n strength to continue walking this road tt He has planned for me..
tt I'll know His purpose..
tt I'll be able to go thru all this.. and still trust tt it's for my gd..

My family's going to Cameron Highlands for hols today.. and I'm nt going with them.. they'll only be back on mon.. I'll miss them..

Dar.. I love u.. dun ever give up on urself.. cos I'm nt giving up on u..