Dear all,

I apologise for not updating for the past few weeks.

For the past 2 weeks, the heavens have been pouring all their sorrow out, causing floods in common and even in areas unthought of. Who would have thought of Lornie Road/ Thomson Road (MacRitchie Reservior) being flooded to the extent that a Bangladesh man would go "fishing" on the road! (I'm not being racist in any way.. it was reported in the newspaper)

Christmas day was yesterday. I had the chance to spend time with Nat n dear and baby.. Lunch was a bomb.. but the food was very nice. If you have the chance, do go down to United Square, the restaurant right at the end from the outside. The name of the restaurant is Bungalow - great food, soothing music, nice bar. It's a wonderful place to chill and have a meal.

For all who have given me gifts during this season.. Thank you so much..
This year, I've received the most number of gifts.. and very meaningful ones too..

Tas, thanks for the cushion.. it's very comfy..
Clar & Brian.. thanks for the glasses.. they're very nice..
Dar & Dear.. thanks for the love charm.. I've never received anything like this before in my life.. I will cherish it..
Nat.. thanks for the gift.. for going to church and also for spending time with us on Christmas..

My colleagues
Malar.. for the sweet gerbera..
Michelle.. for the chocolates..
Shalena.. for the hand-made paper bag to put the magnets and paper clip..
Lavinia.. for the cute cat decoration..
Pei Chuen.. for the handphone chain..
Cheryl.. for the whole set of Colour Workshop Lip gloss..
Christine.. for the rock chocolates from Spain..

Church friends
Christine.. for the designed magnet..
Hannah.. for the exquisite bookmark..

And for anyone else who I'd forgotten..
Thank you..

I will definitely not forget you baby..
You gave my family practical presents..
and you gave me the most expensive thing I've received..
You saved me from my dilemma..
but you spent so much..
Thank you so much..
really love the gown a lot..
because you hand-picked it..

Love you too..

It's no good....

I'm no good...

No..
I'm not trying to short-sell myself..
I'm stating facts..

Although I know that hurt and pain are both part and parcel of a relationship I shouldn't be the one who inflicts it..

Baby..
If you change your mind about me..
tell me..
I'll understand..

Thank you for loving me the way you did..
and still do..
Thank you for caring..
I still thank God for you every waking day..
and even before I sleep..

I know you must be hurting terribly now..
I'm sorry..
I don't feel much better..

Maybe you don't see it..
Maybe you don't wanna see it..
Maybe you think they're just excuses..

Now I know how it feels..
to give so much..

Probably it's me..
Maybe I'm just not giving enough..

I'm sorry..

"A new feeling I cannot comprehend but I'm slowly getting used to it.. Shall not put my hopes too high as disappointment sets in"

I would hope to say.. don't get use to it..

But..
I know I'm useless in that aspect..
No matter what I do..
No matter how I try..
I still fail..
and I'm still trying..
and I'm still holding on..
and I still want to carry on..

But do you?

~I can see your heart aching.. I can hear your heart breaking.. But do you feel mine? ~

Brian..

I guess you're right..
or at least your friend's right..
But it really is hard..
The things around that's happening makes it even more so..

Baby..
Maybe I'm starting to rely on you too much..
I hope that you'll always be there..
I wish that you'll not let go..
But the past few days felt so different..
I know I'm in the wrong somehow..

I shouldn't have walked away..
I felt like crying but should have stayed in sight so that you won't worry..
Sorry I fainted yesterday..
Sorry that I couldn't wake up..
Sorry to make you freak out..
Sorry.....

I'm trying..

Maybe it's just me......
Maybe I'm just thinking too much.....

~Don't think for the other party.. He has not given up till he has given up.. Don't be too discouraged and give up before he does.. ~
~ Life's a journey.. Some people travel with us for just a while.. Others longer.. Who knows where the road ends? - No one but You, God.. ~

The cold look in your eyes scares me..
They tell me to leave you alone..

The tone in your voice says that you're disappointed..
It hints to stay away from you..

I know..
I'm sorry..

If you want me to leave you alone..
I will..
If you want me to stay away..
I will..
If you don't want to see me..
You won't..

All I can do now..
is to grant your wish..

~I'm a genie in a bottle baby..~

My previous posts seem to be a cause for concern..

No worries people..
We're doing fine..

I would have to say that no one really knows the problems that a couple faces until they're open about it..
but then again..
most couples prefer to sweep things under the carpet and not hang their dirty linen in public..
I think that that is perfectly fine..
only IF..
they solve their problems..

I was once an escapist..
I never did like the idea of facing problems because I know that the chances of them paving the way to a quarrel are high..
The simplest way it seemed by to keep everything under the sheets..
and it did solve the problem..
for a while...
When the bulge in the sheets become prominent..
Everything will resurface again..
and it's then that there'll be little chance of salvaging..

I still preserve my view of having no quarrels..
because I don't see how quarrelling can solve problems..
Quarrels actually make things worst..
With anger in your head..
Everything comes out wrong..
Amicable discussions can be carried out in place of heated arguments..

Being brought up in a family in which my parents are peaceful people..
Loving.. (yeah.. my dad gets my mum to sit on his lap and kisses her in front of us - only at home)
No vulgarities hurled at each other..
Only arguments heard are those among my siblings.. (no one said that it'd be peaceful with siblings running around..)
I believe that that can be sought within couples..

That..
is the optimum..
the zen status..
and condition that all couples should be working towards..
less the disargeements between siblings would definitely be much better..

To quote Brian..
"just resolve every issue that comes straight away, ensure there's no "broken bits" lying ard each time.."
Do that..
Persevere..
Hang on..
Don't let go..

She sees him as important..
He views her as essential..
Somehow they complete each other in the most miraculous way..

Yet..
the underlying problems are there..

He shows her care and concern in his very own way..
but many a time he feels pushed away by her..
in due time..
he became reluctant to try..
and on the verge of giving up..

She knows he cares..
the pockets of love he gives, warms her once cold heart..
She knows that at times her tonality or deeds seem to portray that she doesn't need that form of care from him but deep inside she really appreciates him showing it..

Whenever there seems to be a problem surfacing,
she would try her best to resolve it and work at it to prevent it from resurfacing..
He would rather sleep it through..

It hurts her to see him stare at her with icy eyes..
The embraces that lose their warmth..
The kisses that lack of passion..
The words so stale..
The pain so real..

He hurt when she walks away..
He feels as though he's been treated as a servant..
Used when needed..
Thrown aside when not..

They both have varying views...
Where do they meet..........?

She tries hard to let him see her point..

"You're gorgeous.. You really are handsome you know?"
"No.. I'm ugly.."

She hopes to let him walk out of his loneliness by putting people into his life..
She tried to introduce her best friends to him..
She encourages him to open himself up a little more at a time..
but it seems that he still ends up in square one all over again..

He tries hard to get used to the new feeling of loneliness when she's not around..
He faces a pain that he has never felt before..
He attempts to understand her in ways he never had to do with others..
Yet it seems that she seems to be pushing him back..
it feels as though he's transparent when not needed..

She feels unappreciated at times when she needs..
He keeps himself in..

Both parties need the love that comes from the other..
He needs her to fill the inner loneliness and gap that he's had for his whole life..
She needs him to cover the cracks and scars left by her past..
They need the joy that they can derive from being together..

She's changed a lot for him..
from the once "always right" princess
to one that makes an effort to go out of the way to find him..

He's done a lot for her..
from one who has never done such things before..
to one that tries to find ways and means to make her happy..

Everyone says they're a lovey-dovey couple..
but how right is "everyone"?

Yes..
they love..
they care..
they laugh together..
cry together..
but........

How far would it go?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Commitment..
to some it's a fantasy..
to others..
it's a dreaded word..

No longer thinking of..
"I'll be able to find another if anything happens..", "break-up" or "divorce"..
but of how to make things work and stay together..

It's a big 10 letter word..
that involves a person's heart and soul..

10..
it's a perfect number..
to be perfectly kept between 2..
and 2 only..
as how the word is formed..
using 2 words..
"commit" and "ment"..

~ There must be trust in a relationship.. at the end of the day.. as long as he's there to hold your hand, hug you and say that he loves you.. the rest doesn't really matter.. ~

He is all she ever needed..
She is all he ever hoped for..

They started out in a fantasy..
a fairy-like love that bloomed out of something least expected..

They met in the simplest way..
It was her charisma that attracted him to her..
It was his concern that drew her to him..

Their fairytale lasted for a while..
Then..
Problems occured..

He felt neglected by her..
that her pace was too fast hence leaving him behind most of the time..
She felt she needed to do more..
that he wasn't happy with her..

Soon they began to see that there existed many differences between them..

There were times their relationship felt strained..

The nights that ended on a bad note felt long...
Mornings after that felt wrong..

Uncertainty and insecurity seemed to be the main things left..

Yet they're still holding on...................

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happiness comes with a certain degree of pain and sadness as well..
There's no such thing as "only happiness"..
but in the pain and sorrow..
if you are willing to work things out..
by the grace of God..
things will work out..

Hold on to the love..
work out the differences..

~ Nobody said it was easy...~

How do someone define who needs you more?

I remember him telling me..
My ex needs me more than you do..
You're strong..
You can do it without me..
She can't..
and he left me to get back together with her..

I never meant to do this to you..
I don't want to leave you..
If I had the choice..

But if I am the only one who can make a difference in her life..
I have to..
because she really needs me..

In this case..
under the circumstances..
I would have to say that she needs me more than another else does..

Baby..
I'm not trying to tell you that all along you play second fiddle to her because you do not..
Neither am I trying to say that you do not need me because I know you do..
but baby..
I hope you'll understand and see my plight..
Much as I do not want to leave..
If I really have to..
I must..
I won't be far though..
I'll always be by your side..
the way you'll always be by mine..

And if there comes a day that you doubt my love..
I'll wait till you find someone who can love you more than I can..
Then I'll leave you..

Baby..

Do not for once think that you're stupid..
Because you're not..

You're an extremely intelligent person..
I'm serious..

Everyone is unique..
No 2 are alike even if they're identical twins..
and you..
have the patience for me..

I know I'm nowhere near perfect..
I know that I have many flaws..
that I've made you upset so many times..

Although you tell me that I'm good, I still feel lacking..
Probably that's how the both of us feel..
In some way,
we're lack of the confidence that we can be good enough for each other..

Maybe to you,
you feel that there are other better guys out there..
that you're not good because you make me upset..
that you cannot and are not doing good enough..
But that's not true...

I also did things that made you upset..
I also think that there're better girls out there..

I guess all that matters is that we try hard..
Pray hard..
and leave it to God..

Of no fault of your own things became like this...........

I know that I'm not good enough..
that somehow or other I don't seem to be able to give you what you need..

You are a simple guy..
wanting basic things..
probably I'm too complex..
thinking along the lines of giving "more than what is expected"
but missing out on the day to day things that you are looking for.

I won't attempt to sell myself in anyway because whatever I've done is nothing as compared to yours..
You ignored your horrible day in school..
the feeling of loneliness because you do not know anyone in your class and probably found it hard to interact with them in many ways..
to make a long trip down to Vivocity to get the tickets for us..
then made your way to my work place to fetch me..

You accompanied her..
took care of her..

Yet when you wanted me there to just be by your side..
I was on the phone..
I won't even bother to explain why was I on the phone..
Guess that wouldn't really matter anyway..

You don't like me to be on the phone when I'm with you..
Maybe it's because you want me to be yours alone..
Maybe you just needed me to affirm that I need you there and that you're important to me..

If all that I've done before or am doing does not show you in anyway that you mean a lot to me..
then I guess I've been doing everything wrong..

You constantly need encouragement and acknowledgement..
You feel insecure and lonely..
Probably I haven't been showing you your importance..
Or I've not been giving you the encouragement you need..
Maybe I'm the source of your insecurity..
Or maybe the one who intensifies your loneliness instead of minimising it..

Today..
you did not send me home..
instead,
you said that you'd take the straight bus home instead and left me to take the train back..

If it were me in the past,
I'd turn and walk away,
switch off my phone and not even bother to sms you..
but today,
I took the train and changed a bus to go to your place,
sat at the bus stop to wait for your return.

I can't even remembered how long I've waited..
or how long I've cried..
it doesn't matter as long as I got to see you..

I'm afraid..
I really am..
afraid of losing you..
afraid of making you angry..
afraid of making you upset..
afraid of you walking away..
that you'd give up somehow..

I know you care..
when you told me to stay indoors..
that some stairs act as wind tunnels than shelters and asked me to avoid those stairs..
I felt happy..
and yet I cried..

My inability has rendered me more human than others..
A limit I could surpass only if I broke that barrier..
and I said that you had a barrier..
maybe I had one too..

Perhaps yours is easier to break..
but hard to maintain because you'd build it up again..
Yet it seems that mine has always been there..

Today..
I felt empty once again..

I swore I could hear her singing with me..
as in it really was her..
I could feel her beside me..
but I know her thoughts are all about him..
I know that I'm not as important as he is..
and I wish I could allevate her pain..
but I can't..

When you walked off..
when you took the bus..
I didn't know I felt the hurt..
but I know that I felt empty..

And I've tried..
and am trying..
and I don't want to stop..
but I don't know what's the limit..
and I fear that once I reach that limit..
I'll just breakdown..

I'm afraid......
I really am..

~ My heart can't possibly break, when it hasn't been whole to start with.. ~
~ You promised you'd always be with me.. maybe in someways you still are.. but I miss you so much.. ~

Went to Tan Tock Seng for my review yesterday..

The doctor was very nice.. :) Friendly too.. Well... I finally found out the name of my condition..

It's known as Vasovagal Syncope (for more infomation click here)

I'll update later when I have more time..

Loads of work coming in now.........

This is how I view things would end..

You walking in front with me tagging behind..
knowing that I hurt so much but I can't seem to do anything and you don't seem to care or you don't want to bother anymore..

OR

Me walking in front trying to walk away from the pain with you walking behind wondering why it came to this..

OR

The both of us walking in different directions, confused and hurt yet not knowing what else to do..

I know that it is not good to talk about things like that especially when we have just started out not so long ago but I really feel this way..
and I don't want to..
but the last 2 days felt that way..

I know I made you angry when I didn't take my lozanges..
I know that I made you upset when I couldn't make it to meet you..
I'm sorry...

But I hope that you'll still bother..
I hope that you'll still care..
at the end of the day..
I hope you'll still be mine..

And I don't want to talk about compromising..
I feel that it should be natural..
I know that you have been real nice and all..
I don't want you to feel alone again..
EVER..
but no matter how I try..
No matter what I do..
I feel that it's not enough..
Because in the end you still tell me that you're used to it..
That it's good to be alone..

It feels like my efforts are futile..
that my love cannot pass those walls built by you..

When you stare at me with those cold eyes that tell me you don't care,
I don't know how to react..
When your voice sounds so icy and distant..
I don't know what to do..

And you say that you're used to it..
that you've been like that in the past..
that you've been like that for your whole life..

Am I that hard to be with?

I feel that I've been very submissive..
I don't really put on a fight whenever you ask me to do things..
And it's not because you force me to do things..
But I do it willingly..
I've never been so submissive to anyone..
Not even to those before you..
And even I rebel against authority at times..

I'm no goody two shoes..
Step on my tail and you'll see what you'll get..
I'm not one who can be pushed around as you like..

Yet..
In front of you..
I'm like a docile lamb,
a gentle dove,
a fragile piece of glass..

I thank you for your constant encouragement..
for your care and concern..
for your love..
for the many things that you've unknowingly gave..
Thank you..
and if you feel that I'm not giving enough..
or that I'm not good enough..
please tell me..

I just hope.....
that you can step out of your loneliness..
that you will not keep rebuilding the wall around you..
that you will walk out and see that there are many people around you who love you..
that you are not ugly and detestable..
that you are worthy to be loved..
that you are intelligent..
that you are wonderful..
that YOU ARE SPECIAL..

And to quote what you told me..
the things that the gifted people make have flaws and holes in them but they're still beautiful..
and so are you..

Baby..
This is dedicated to you..
Love you..




~I'm proud of you baby.. really am..~
~I give my love to you~

Had lunch with Nat over at the teahouse..
It was very nice considering the fact that I haven't seen her in a LONG time..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This song was sung by Daphne yesterday as one of the ending items of NRA Danzation..
It really is extremely nice..
Anyone with the song please tell me..
I would like to have it too..

Do I Make You Proud - Taylor Hicks

I've never been the one to raise my hand
That was not me, and now that's who I am
Because of you, I am standing tall

My heart is full of endless gratitude
You were the one, the one to guide me through
Now I can see and I believe
It's only just beginning

[CHORUS:]

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?

I guess I've learned, to question is to grow
That you still have faith, is all I need to know
I've learned to love, myself in spite of me
And I've learned to walk, the road that I believe

[CHORUS:]

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?

Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved
To be loved

[CHORUS:]

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you, do I make you proud?
There ain't no question, just do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?
Do I make you proud?

Many things have happened over the weekend..

Friday

I was so busy that I didn't even have the time to blog!
It was like a war zone here..
Papers cluttering my table..
Everyone was rushing like crazy..
and we HAD TO leave the office by 5.30 because of the renovations that were going on..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Saturday

Had our very first private lesson..
I would say that it's very tiring yet detailed..
EXTREMELY DETAILED..
It's only till now that I found out that my cha cha is really LIKE SHIT..
All along I knew it wasn't all that good..
I didn't know that it was actually THAT BAD..

After private, I had to rush down to Singapore Poly for the Inter-Poly Students' Union (IPSU) networking lunch..
Didn't really do much there..
Made a few acquaintances..
Met up with some others I haven't seen in a year..
The presidents' made a presentation on the events we had and will be having..
and that's about it..

Went back to the studio for practice night..

I practiced so much that blisters are forming on my feet..
Clar, Bryan, baby n I took bus 70 home that day..
When I got down from the bus, my feet and thighs hurt so bad I was literally limping..
Baby's so sweet..
He actually carried me all the way from the bus stop back home..
It's up the overhead bridge and down..
up a flight of stairs..
and a straight road
He was raining by the time he let me down..
Thank you so much baby..
You're the best!
*muacks*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sunday

Went for NRA's dance production - Danzation
I would have to say that I enjoyed myself thoroughly..
they are REALLY good..
Saw Michelle, Lena and Jaime there..
and also a bunch of people that we didn't want to see..
Bought Chin Pei a hand bouquet and she cried upon receiving it..

Gal..
You make me proud..
You're really good in your dance..
I wish I can be like you..
But..
Yup..
I'll practice harder.. :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby..
Thank you for all your constant encouragement..
and for not giving up on me..
Thank you so much..

~Do I make you proud?~

It's like a war zone here..
We have 8 Cost Projections & 4 RAIT & Memos to complete..
That's about 12 things..
Besides that,
we still have to call log and update RE..
Nice..
We couldn't even go out for lunch..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I thank God that you're awake..

I'll take care of her for you..
I'll take care of him for you..
I'll take care of myself..
I won't give up so easily..
I will try hard..
I'll keep my promises..

So take care of yourself too..
You must also be happy..
I still want to go on graduation holiday with you..
We still have many things that we have not done..

I await your return..

~ And between now and then.. till I see you again.. I'll be loving you.. ~

I took half day MC yesterday because I am falling sick..
I am starting to think that I should not rest so much because it seems that after resting for a long period of time, my body seems to break down.

Baby brought me to Sizzler (Toa Payoh) for dinner..
The food there was delicious!
It was value for money and really nice - baby was so full he was stuffed :P

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby..
I'm sorry..
Although you say that it's not totally my fault, I still apologise because you had advised me against it and yet I still do it..
I'm sorry...

God..
Help me not to make the same mistakes again..
I'm sorry...
Help me to stand firm to the right decision..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A poem to end off this post.....

You are the Sun

You are the sun,
I am the moon.
When you shine your light upon me,
I feel warm inside.
When you go down and I arise,
I think about you always.
When I'm up in the sky,
I think about your beauty
And your love.
I think about how lucky I must be,
To have the sun within my heart.
Everytime I look at you,
I see love.
I think about how I would enjoy
Spending the rest of my life
With you forever more.
Everytime I look at you,
I am reminded that God knew
What He was doing
When He created you.
Within the eyes of love.

I just came back from lunch at Hougang Point.

Baby's working at Raffles One Link and he's working for Credit Suisse..

Ok that aside..

Had a long talk with baby last night (this early morning rather) about him. He can't seem to stop thinking and that results in him being unable to sleep at night.

He worries that he isn't good enough.. the weird thing is that he claims that he has trust in me and in God but he doesn't trust himself.
I told him how important he is to me.. reminded him of the things that he's done for me that other people will not have and the such. I suppose everyone needs to be encouraged at some time or another. I didn't know what he needed to hear at that time but I knew that he needed encouragement.

And this is to encourage all of you.

"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God." Philippians 4:6 (KJV)

Baby.. don't think so much.. Trust in God.

Today's been a long day..
I had to do a CP, 1 RAIT, 1 memo..
Had a 3 hour long meeting..
Rushed through lunch..
I'm so tired..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Learnt formation yesterday during dance and I can say that it's no easy feat.
I was EXTREMELY UPSET.
Ok... I know that I'm not very intelligent and that my brain cells are probably degenerating at 10^infinity per second.
Still... you need not show me that kind of expression or reaction.
I am trying.
It is of no fault of my own that I am tired and I can't get my steps.
I work from 0830 to 1730, rush down from work and didn't have a morsel of food except that small piece of cake that we all had. Having the energy to dance the way I could is already in itself an achievement.
In dance (especially the promanade run) the girls HAVE TO lead the guys!
I am trying my very best to not lead you in other aspects of the dance but at least do your job in leading me and let me do mine when it's my turn to.

I don't blame you...
'cause you could get your set of the steps while I can't..
I can't expect you to keep practising with me just because I'm slow and dumb and can't get my steps correctly..
All I ask is for a little more understanding..
I am putting in effort..
I am trying..
Don't put me down that way..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Baby was very encouraging..
Telling me that he could see that I was putting in effort.
That girls are always right on the dance floor.. :P

He gave me a shoulder to cry on..
Lent me a listening ear..
and showered me lots of care and concern..
coupled with lots of hugs..

Thank you so much..
*hugz*

~Sometimes it's the little things that people do that make them so special~

Yizhao was the 1st to comment on this..

"I'll try not to get jealous..'cause after all, jealousy happens because you're infatuated with that someone and not love.."

Ok...
let me attempt to clarify myself.

In 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 of the King James Version of the Bible it is stated:

'4Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
5Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
6Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
7Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things'

In another translation (which will seemingly be easier for you all to understand):

'4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.'

Jealousy as defined in the American Heritage Dictionary means:
Having to do with or arising from feelings of envy, apprehension, or bitterness

So the obvious recurring word here would be ENVY.

Need I explain more?

I did something out of the blue today.
I actually talked to shingo on MSN..
and although it was a short conversation of only 5 lines in total, I'm glad that we're actually talking.

Things take time.....
it's been quite some time already.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jealousy.

It seems to be a common feeling especially when you have feelings for that special someone in your life. Yet, jealousy sprouts mainly because of the lack of trust in the opposite party.

I will have to admit that I used not to feel jealous, however I do now and I am sure that it is not because of lack of trust.

Sometimes, the closeness between them might cause jealousy.. I know I do stir up some of those feelings in him too..

I'll try not to get jealous..
'cause after all,
jealousy happens because you're infatuated with that someone
and not love..

It seems that you've been through quite a bit in the past few months...

We've not contacted in many ways.
I'm still on the blocked list of your MSN I suppose.. and seriously speaking.. I can't even remember your email.
Your numbers were deleted from my handphone.
Your contact deleted from my MSN.

It did seem as though you were avoiding me.. probably I was doing that too..
and I know you don't want to have anything to do with me..
but there's a slight hope that we'll be able to remain friends..

I caught a glimpse of you yesterday and you did look slightly different.

Your last relationship has ended not so long ago and I know you're hurting badly.
If I could, I would lend you a listening ear...
But..
You're probably not reading this either.

Being affected by others is natural, be it by what others do or say.

Personally, I've experienced a lot of it.

Not everyone will think that you're the best thing that's happened in their lives and that's what makes the handful of people who feel that way important in our lives.

I would have to say that even 'friends' will talk bad behind your back.. but if they do so, they aren't really your friends but mere aquaintances who just happen to know you a little longer.

True friends stick by you no matter what wrong you do.. no matter how horrible you are. They stay in your life when others walk out. They'll stand by you, on your side to shield you from the darts of the rest. - That's why friends are so important to us.

There are many hypocrites in this world.. those that appear to be your friends in front of you and talk bad about you behind your back without your knowledge. And these are the kind of people that you have to be wary of..

Do be aware.. that walls have ears..
You have no idea who might be listening to those conversations or get wind of them and tell them to the person/people involved..

To those who're being talked about, or things commented on, do take it with a pinch of salt. Gossips die down..

Dar...
I hope you are doing fine.
Sky told me that you didn't make it to school, that you collapsed on the way.
I'm sorry I can't be there by your side...

This is one of your favourite songs.

Friends - Michael W. Smith

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter in your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus:

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long to live as friends.

With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
Is the strength that now you show

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

Chorus

Stay stong dar...
Will be praying for you.

This is going to be one extremely long post. I decided to lump all of it together (although it is going to be very tiring for your eyes) because they're somehow related.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took this off Ron's gf, Pam's blog..
It's real nice..

SHMILY

My grandparents were married for over half a century, and played their own special game from the time they had met each other. The goal of their game was to write the word "shmily" in a surprise place for the other to find. They took turns leaving "shmily" around the house, and as soon as one of them discovered it, it was their turn to hide it once more.

They dragged "shmily" with their fingers through the sugar and flour containers to await whoever was preparing the next meal. They smeared it in the dew on the windows overlooking the patio where my grandma always fed us warm, homemade pudding with blue food coloring. "Shmily" was written in the steam left on the mirror after a hot shower, where it would reappear bath after bath.

At one point, my grandmother even unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper to leave shmily on the very last sheet.

There was no end to the places "shmily" would pop up. Little notes with "shmily" scribbled hurriedly were found on dashboards and car seats, or taped to steering wheels. The notes were stuffed inside shoes and left under pillows. "Shmily" was written in the dust upon the mantel and traced in the ashes of the fireplace. This mysterious word was as much a part of my grandparents' house as the furniture.

It took me a long time before I was able to fully appreciate my grandparents' game. Skepticism has kept me from believing in true love - one that is pure and enduring. However, I never doubted my grandparents' relationship. They had love down pat. It was more than their flirtatious little games; it was a way of life. Their relationship was based on a devotion and passionate affection which not everyone is lucky enough to experience.

Grandma and Grandpa held hands every chance they could. They stole kisses as they bumped into each other in their tiny kitchen. They finished each other's sentences and shared the daily crossword puzzle and word jumble. My grandma whispered to me about how cute my grandpa was, how handsome an old man he had grown to be. She claimed that she really knew "how to pick 'em." Before every meal they bowed heads and gave thanks, marveling at their blessings: a wonderful family, good fortune, and each other.

But there was a dark cloud in my grandparents' life: my grandmother had breast cancer. The disease had first appeared ten years earlier. As always, Grandpa was with her every step of the way. He comforted her in their yellow room, painted that color so she could always be surrounded by sunshine, even when she was too sick to go outside.

Now the cancer was once again attacking her body. With the help of a cane and my grandfather's steady hand, they still went to church every morning. But my grandmother grew steadily weaker until, finally, she could not leave the house anymore. For a while, Grandpa could go to church alone, praying to God to watch over his wife. Then one day, what we all dreaded finally happened. Grandma was gone.

"Shmily." It was scrawled in yellow on the pink ribbons of my grandmother's funeral bouquet. As the crowd thinned and the last mourners turned to leave, my aunts, uncles, cousins and other family members came forward and gathered around Grandma one last time. Grandpa stepped up to my grandmother's casket and, taking a shaky breath, he began to sing to her. Through his tears and grief, the song came, a deep and throaty lullaby.

Shaking with my own sorrow, I will never forget that moment. For I knew then that, although I couldn't begin to fathom the depth of their love, I had been privileged to witness its unmatched beauty.

S-h-m-i-l-y: See How Much I Love You. Thank you, Grandma and Grandpa, for letting me see.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple of days back, baby and I ran into a huge problem which left both of us stranded.

He wanted me beside him but he felt that I won't be there and I on the other hand felt that he's pushing me away.
The silence was awkward.
The pain so vivid and real.

Problems arise within couples, no couple have ever went thru their relationship as though they were on a bed of roses - even the most beautiful rose has thorns.

The first thing that went through my mind was that he was running away from me.
Yet, I couldn't blame him because I had caused him to feel pain that he's never felt before - the feeling of being hung on a string as I deliberated my decision.
Like as though a knife was pierced into his heart and is going deeper by the minute, only to be relieved by a simple 'No' or sent plunging thru with a 'Yes'.

The next thing was - Is this the end of our happy moments? Are the times from now going to be nothing but quarrels, disagreements.
Is it a pause, a comma, or a full stop altogether?

He hurt so much, he was quiet.
Maybe he wanted me to leave him alone because my presence seemed to make him reject me more.
He didnt know what he wanted.
He only hoped for me beside him.
But he was pushing me away...

I hurt by his reaction.
His look.
His tone.
His actions.
All seem to shoot arrows at me telling me - It's YOUR fault I'm feeling like that.
I admit, I was in the wrong.

We talked it out.
Tears were shed.

At least it's not that bad now.

This reinforces the point that communication is of utmost importance. Even body language tells a lot because more than 70% of communication is non-vocal.

Baby, I thank God that we're still together.
Sorry for all my dumb and stupid mistakes and for making you feel transparent.
Whenever you say that you grow up eating glass, it makes me feel the pain.
Sorry for the pain that I let you experience.

Thank you for loving me although I'm the source of your sorrow and pain.
I'll try to keep you company, so that you'll not feel alone.
Like what Sharlena said,
You've got me now.

Thank you for all you've done for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dar..

You've done so much for someone who doesn't know how to appreciate or even care about you. I feel injustice for you and yet I can't do anything about it.
I'm sorry I'm so useless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just know that I love you. The both of you.
My love, Lenny See Tho Kong Yong
and Quah Shu Ting, Diana

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

It's been a relatively quiet morning which started with me staring in disbelief at my company email account that stated 50.19Mb (Mail quota exceeded).
The next thing I did was to ruthlessly delete all attachments and large emails (yes.. I do have large emails that comes in 1k++ Mb).
Then compacted the mailbox and waited for at least an hour before the system responded and showed me that my mailbox is only 7.76Mb used.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Topic for today - Beauty

I am not about to start giving beauty tips as to how to better take care of your skin or your figure and the such. If you want good skin, go to a dematologist or for facial. If you want a good figure, go exercise or gym or slimming.

What I want to talk about has NOTHING to do with outward beauty.
Most of you should know about the guys latest craze - the movie, Dead Or Alive. The main reason being, there are gorgeous, hot babes starring in it.
Now, I don't exactly suppose we girls can stop the guys from ogling and drooling at them because I think the girls are really hot.
To quote my guy when we were walking along the poster area of CityLink Mall (where they had changed their posters to that of the DOA stars), "I want all these posters in my room, then the guys will come to my house and drool at them."

He kept saying that he is ugly, that he doesn't look good and other comments along the same line of "I'm not good looking". As usual I'd tell him that those are nonsensical comments because I think he looks good (and he's got a hot ass which can REALLY MOVE).
He'd tell me that I look good although I don't agree (especially now when my skin's SOOO DRY and it feels as though it's peeling although I'm not sunburned)

Bottom line is - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Who should really care about what other people think of them when the people important to them think that they look good the way they are.
To many, it's of utmost importance that they look good, that they stand out, that they're attractive in looks.

Then again......
Outward beauty is only skin-deep..

This is yet another day in the office and like yesterday, I have no lunch break.
No.. they are not torturing me or advocating fasting - the fasting month is already over. It is just that we're having Lunch & Learn, basically meaning I've got to get lunch back and have a voice conference with other people over the phone.

I'm hungry..
I've had sausage mcmuffin for breakfast (well, at least I had breakfast) and I'm hoping it'll last..

I'll just have to buy lunch after the meeting.. which will hopefully end by 1330hrs.

I made a futile attempt to blog this 2 days back..

23rd was our 2nd month.. :)

Just came back from the 4th Johor International Dance Competition that was held on Oct 21 at Zon Regency hotel.
Tas and I did surprisingly well considering this is our very first competition and we didn't attend private lessons - we made it to the semi for both cha cha and rumba.
Waltz however was a killer for ALL of us.. NONE of us made it to the 2nd round.. :P

Baby did well. He got 6th in Grade D and managed semi in Grade C.. So proud of you! :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know that you won't get to read this EVER..
Although I have already removed the password from my blog, I'm sure you don't even want to come anywhere near her or anything with regards to her..

You..
calling you an idiot would be an insult to idiots..
you're much worst than that.
Making a simple call wouldn't hurt you a bit..
Ok..
Let's say you didn't want to hear his voice..
you could have left an sms to inform him..
And you chose to just act nonchalent to whatever that's happening around you.
I have to say that that's a skill I have to learn from you
because I cannot turn a blind eye especially when it's happening to people who're important to me.

She told me that the slap would have sufficed..
I think you deserve more than just that.
If I could..
I'll make you know what she's done for you..
I'll drag you down if I have to..
I'll slap you myself if that's what it takes to get through that thick skull of yours.

Hello!

I'm back!!!!

Just returned from Johor - Zon Regency Hotel last evening after our dance competition held on sat.

I didn't manage to make it up to the finals for both cha cha and rumba but at least made it up to the semi finals.. the reason why we didn't make it up to the finals was because we didn't get graded by the judges.. but.. hey.. for the 1st com.. it's already a wonderful achievement! :)

Waltz was horrible.. instant knockout for all of us.. HAHA..

The rest did pretty well.. so proud of you all..

And I'm very proud of you baby.. :)

No Me Ames



No Me Ames(Duet with Marc Anthony) Lyrics



Dime por qué lloras

De felicidad

Y por qué te ahogas

Por la soledad

Di por qué me tomas, fuerte así,

mis manos, y tus pensamientos te van llevando



Yo te quiero tanto

Y por qué será

Loco testarudo, no lo dudes más,

aunque en el futuro haya un muro enorme,

yo no tengo miedo, quiero enamorarme.



No me ames, porque pienses que

parezco diferente

Tú no piensas que es lo justo,

ver pasar el tiempo juntos

No me ames, que comprendo,

la mentira que sería.

Si tu amor no merezco, no me ames,

mas quédate otro día



No me ames, porque estoy perdido,

porque cambié el mundo, porque es el

destino, porque no se puede, somos un espejo,

Y tú así serías lo que yo

de mí reflejo

No me ames, para estar muriendo,

dentro de una guerra llena de

arrepentimientos, no me ames para estar

en tierra, quiero alzar el

vuelo, con

tu gran amor por el azul del cielo



(SHORT BREAK)



No sé qué decirte, esa es la verdad,

si la gente quiere, sabe lastimar

Tú y yo partiremos, ellos no se mueven,

pero en este cielo sola no me dejes



No me dejes, no me dejes, no me escuches,

si te digo "no me ames".

No me dejes, no desarmes,

mi corazón con ese "no me ames"

No me ames, te lo ruego, mi amargura, dèjame

Sabes bien, que no puedo, que es inútil,

que siempre te amaré



No me ames, pues te haré sufrir con este

corazòn que se llenó de mil inviernos

No me ames, para así olvidarte de tus días grises, quiero que me ames

sólo por amarme

No me ames, tú y yo volaremos,

uno con el otro y seguiremos siempre juntos

Este amor es como el sol que sale tras de la tormenta

Como dos cometas en la misma estela



"Dont love me" >> "You don't love me"



Tell me why you're crying...

Of happiness.

And why are you drowning?

for loneliness

Tell me why you take my hands so strongly, and let your

thoughts carry you away



I love you so much

And why is that?

Crazy stubborn person, stop doubting it any longer

Even though in the future there will be a huge wall

I'm not afraid, I want to fall in love



Dont love me, because you think that

I may appear different

You dont think its right

For us to see time go by together?

Dont love me, I understand

the lie that it would be

If your love, I don;t deserve, dont love me,

just stay another day



Dont love me, because I am lost,

Because I changed the world,Because its destiny

Because it can't be, We both are like a mirror,

And you would be my own reflection

Don't love me, you would be dying

Within a war full of regrets,dont love me to be on this

Earth, I would like to throw your enormous love

thru the blue sky.



(SHORT BREAK)



I dont know what to say to you, that's the truth

When people want to, they know how to hurt

You and I will depart, they would not move,

But in this sky dont leave me alone



Dont leave me, dont leave me, dont listen to me

If I say to you "dont love me"

Dont let me. Do not disable

my heart with that "Dont love me"

Dont love me, I'm begging you, leave me with my bitterness

You know well, that I can't, that its useless,

That I will always love you



Dont love me,because I would make you suffer with this heart of mine

that was filled with a thousand winters.

Dont love me,so that way you can forget of your gray days.

I want you to love me, just to love me

Dont love me, you and I will fly,

With with the other, and we will always be together

This love is like the sun that comes out after the storm

Like 2 comets on the same path

It isn't easy for 2 people to meet..
It is even harder for someone to step into your life.

A relationship isn't about getting together and hoping that God will keep you two together.
He didn't say that it's going to be easy.
Even if you put Him in the center of your relationship, in the end, it's still up to Him whether or not you two remain together.

You are supposed to build bridges to get closer to each other, not so much of physically but more of understanding each other and spiritual growth, not to build distance between one another.

There is a vast difference between love and infatuation. When you love someone, you will not give up no matter how ardent the task might seem. However, if it is infatuation and you see a wall in front of you, you would rather turn back.

Appreciation of the other party is important, communication and trust essential.

I am no relationship guru - I have been thru and have failed in relationships. I just do not hope to see people repeating my mistakes especially when they can be avoided.

Baby..
thank you for doing whatever you are doing..
thank you for the effort in stoning my dress..
thank you for not complaining although you think I do not appreciate you..
as and when there is anything that you feel that I should do that I did not..
Please tell me..
I do not want to make the same mistakes again..
and end up losing you..
You are very special in the way you are..
in the things you do..
in the manner you love me..
Thank you..

Thank God for you..

Early this morning at around 1.30am, baby and I had our first quarrel.

The topic of discussion - Fasting.

To him it seems that fasting is a form of torturing yourself with no significance at all.
Yet for me, I feel that fasting shows sincerity in some way.

He said that sincerity can be shown in other ways such as earnestly asking in prayer and truly believing.
I have nothing to comment about that because there is truth in that.
However, it is stated in the Bible that King David "fasted and prayed". I'm not saying that in fasting, whatever you ask for will come true. To me, it's more than just symbolic.

Don't get me wrong now, he's got nothing against fasting - only with me fasting.

I guess it's his way of showing concern although I had told him that I'll know the extent I can go.
In the end... I didn't fast because I promised him that I'd eat.
Maybe..
Just maybe..
He'll change his thinking about it.

~ "And this is the confidence that we have in Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He heareth us" - 1 John 5:14 (KJV) ~

Much is needed in understanding a person.
Care, time and effort are some of the most basic criterias.

I dare not say that I understand people very well but after being together for the past 6 years, I can strongly say that I understand why you're doing what you're doing.

I know that once you have the conviction, no one can say or do anything to change your mind..
I know that you are stubborn..
We quarrelled..
had cold wars..
Yet I thank God that I have the chance to stand beside you, to hold your hand, to walk the past 6 years with you.

We went thru everything together..
the happiness..
sorrow..
pain..
agony..

You...
saw me at the high points of my life..
never left me when I was down and out..
stood by me when the rest of the world walked out..
taught me everything you could..
helped me when I was helpless..
encouraged me when I needed affirmation..

I..
never was the best..
many a times I did things that made you upset..
made choices that you felt I could have not made..
led you into thinking that I chose power and recognition over you..
neglected you when you needed someone by you..
didn't give you enough..
didn't care for you enough..
didn't love you enough..

Darling..
I'm sorry..

If not for you, I'd never be who I am today.
At times I feel cold and hardened to people..
but I can't feel that way to you.
I detest people who do not appreciate you especially after you've done so much for them..
yet I can't hate them because God says to "love your enemies as yourselves".

I learnt a lot..
Slow I may be but appreciate you I do..
Love you I do..
Cherish you I will..

~ I can't imagine life without you..... what would I have become? ~

I'm so sorry...

I should have sent you all the way back.
It might have lessened the chances of that happening.

I should have been more sensitive to your feelings.

I should have been more understanding.

I cannot lose you yet you said that I understood you the best so I should know your reasons for doing so.

I'm sorry for being so useless...
Guess I'm still human after all............

~If I only could....... ~

Sometimes it's not about conservative thinking vs. liberal thinking
nor is it about love vs. lust
but of acceptance,
trust,
and most importantly,
consequences.

To what extent will you do things for the people you love?

To what end are you willing to sacrifice yourself?

What means will you use to get what you want?

Does the end justify the means?

OR

is it pure sacrifice at the end of it all?

Many a times when people do things out of pleasure and selfish thinking, they tend to be more reckless in their actions and stand a higher probability in regretting their decisions made out of folly.
Yet, regretting their actions is only a small part of the whole event as it is definitely not enough.
Much is left to be done to try to make up to the wronged party.
Then again, it does not necessarily mean that there is only one party who's in the wrong because more often than not, the fault lies with both sides hence the saying "it takes two hands to clap".

I'm not going to start pointing the finger at people who accusingly shook theirs at me because I do not see the point in doing so. If you are to return evil for evil, others will do the same. Then again, doing good to others does not ensure that they'll return you good.

It's hard to keep up with the pace of life, seeing that the only constant is change. People change, things change, thinking change, character.... bottom line of it all... EVERYTHING CHANGES.

YET

In the midst of this revolving world, you stand.
Pure like an angel,
fragile like glass
yet stronger than diamond.
Giving your all
and more
for people you feel are important
to you
and the people around you.
You are
God's most precious gift to me


~ Memory is the way of keeping the things you love the most, the things you are and the things you never want to lose... ~

I found this very true and meaningful..


"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib. Not from his feet to be walked on. Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected,and next to the heart to be loved"

If you had to choose between....

a country and her future decendants

&

those who are important to you..

WHO would you choose to save?



That's a hard nut to crack..

~ Can I be selfish and take both? ~
But at what expense...

Take a look out the window..
STARE hard..
take a deep breath when you're outside..

If I tell you that the PSI now is 88..
would you believe me?

Neither do I..
but somehow, as according to NEA's website it is..
And their constant is a PM10 concentration..
I don't even know what in the world that is..

The "scenery" from outside my window is quite a view..
it looks as though I'm at the top of some mountain..
Breath-taking..
It'd be good if it were mist instead of haze..
I can't see the buildings in the distant..
even the nearer ones are blurred..

All thanks to the haze..
we've got a new scenery..
cool..

You'll never know...

I don't know what to say to you or about you..
I don't know how I'm supposed to even start taking care of you..
but I know I have to cos it's a promise I made..
and I intend to fulfill it..

When someone does so much for you...
I would expect that you feel smtg..
or at the very least be grateful that someone actually bothers to do something for you..
When informed of the shoulder and arm..
I flinched..
you only said ya..

It seems that you don't believe that things like this are happening..
if you even have the brains to think..
please do..
why would 3 people gang up and lie to you about things like this?
and it's not that we want to hide..
somethings are better left unknown than known..
it keeps you safe
and definitely alive..
Believe me..
This is not something that you can handle..

So what if you want to know?
do you even think for a second that I would tell you?
Even if I wanted to..
it's not up to me to say..
and why should I even bother to when I know that it'll fall on deaf ears and you won't believe me?

And I know you won't even come an inch near to reading this..
I just needed to get it all out..

~ There is a fundamental hole in our hearts and gap in our minds... and love fills it...Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love... so treasure whatever and whoever you have now... before it's too late.. ~

I'm scared...









~Somebody save me... God help me pls..~

I'm sorry...

I cried while talking to baby...

Faiz walked out of the dance studio while practising..
I'm worried baby will do the same to me one day...
I dreamt of it b4..
the mere thot of it scares me..
him walking out w/o saying a word..
hoping tt I'd go aft him..
bt I hurt too much to do anything..

He's upset tt I didn't go directly to meet him although he came down to fetch me cos tas asked me to wait for him at polar..

I was upset cos I was on the phone with him when yizhao msged me n said he's bored..
then baby asked me to entertain yizhao instead..
I felt tt he was pushing me away..

Maybe I was being too sensitive..
maybe I'm juz afraid..

Baby's the best...
I'm sorry...

Thank you for trying so hard to make my dress..
I know it's nt ur problem bt mine..
I'm sorry for making u do it for me..
n making u get stressed over it...
I should do it on my own..

Baby..
thank u for everything u've done..
n are doing..

Ronald's fasting for his rlsp..
to pray tt God'll give His blessings on his rlsp..
maybe it's a gd way of showing how much the rlsp means to the both of them...
bt if I were to fast..
it'll def be a weekly thing..
else it'll last for at least a wk..

I seem to nt be sensitive enough to ur feelings..
seem to be giving u attitude probs..
seem to be irritating..

Baby..
u've been patient with me...
I'm afraid it'll wear off..
everytime I make u upset..
u juz say tt u'll slp it off..
I'm worried it'll snowball and only surface when u cant take it anymore..

I'm afraid tt one day u'll stop caring..
tt u'll stop coming aft me..
tt u'll juz give up..

N if tt happens..
I've gt no one to blame bt myself..
cos aft all..
it's my fault for pushing u away..

I want to be able to do so much more..
to give more than what I have given..
bt I muz also somehow drill into myself tt I'm human..
n I've gt my limitations..
no matter how much I try to deny it..

It's nt as simple as it seems..
then again..
nobody said it was ez..

I'm officially broke..
yah..
spent a lot on the stones for the dress..
n for alteration..
bt I'm really impressed by Gigi's workmanship..
no wonder it's so ex..
she made it look as though I've nv altered it b4..
it's TT GD..

Dar..
I'm glad u're fine..
I'm happy tt he's fine too..
whatever happens..
I wun leave u..
I've alr been here for 6 yrs..
if I had any intention of doing so..
I should have left a long time ago..
dun give up on me now..
cos I wun..
I trust u..

Baby..
dun worry..
u have so much trust in her..
trust me as well..
she'll be fine..
so will I..

U DO NT treat some one u love in this way..
U SHOULD NT claim tt u care n nt do anything abt it..
we've been telling u..
u're still avoiding..
y cant u juz strip urself of ur EGO n STOP BEING STUBBORN!!!

U should know tt she doesn't have much longer to live..
u should know tt as well as we do..

U've shared wonderful times with her..
u've had beautiful memories..
u claimed u loved her..
then SHOW IT!!!

No point saying..
n nt showing her..
she's hanging on juz to make sure tt u aren't alone..
tt u've gt someone by u..
she's done so much for u..
given up so much..
n is this all u can do?
the least u could do is to tell her how u really feel..
if u feel awkward talking on the phone or face-to-face..
u can write an email..
she wun mind..
I know she wun..
n I dun want u to regret either..
cos I know..
tt if u carry on being like this..
u'll regret it FOR LIFE..
I can guarantee u tt..

I had the most expensive lunch today..

It's nt cos the food was expensive..
rather..
the plate of beef hor fun tt I had was $3..
yet..
the portioning was SOOOO SMALL tt it didn't even feel as though I ate anything..
so we went to Ya Kun to buy 4 pieces of bread and a drink each..
it was only aft tt tt we felt more satisfied..

I think baby's real tired..
n so is dar..
both of them are so tired......

Physical fatigue can be "cured" by resting..
bt emotional tiredness is another matter altogether..
I dunno what's the medicine for emotional stress..
xin bing xu xin yao yi
tt I know..
yet..
to find the right dosage of the right medicine is a tricky task..

I think baby piggy is still slping...
cos..
he hasn't picked up my calls nor has he replied my smses..
haha..
piggy..

He's supposed to meet jasmine n I for lunch today..
I think it'll only be jasmine n myself later..
nvm..
it's ok..

Dar..
I now know y u wanted to skip tue to go to wed..
I know it hurts..
I know it's painful..
it's tiring..
n the process of it is horrible..
I haven't been thru it b4..
bt I'm here for u..
n sky is..
we all are..
n we'll be here for u..
till the end..
promise..

Went out for dinner with dar n baby last nite..
was stuffed..

Dar didn't look v happy..
I know tt things are weighing down in her mind..
I juz hope tt she didn't have to think so much..
cos it's nt worth it..

Then again..
it's nt up to me to comment on whether it's worth it or nt..
cos even I myself cant do tt..

As always mentioned..
feelings are things tt can be thrown away at will..
tt when u really feel for someone..
the feelings will remain no matter what happens..

Dar..
dun give up on me..
u deserve better..
u deserve sky..
give him a chance..
trust him..
share ur burden with him..
it hurts him to know tt although u're by his side..
ur heart is thinking of someone else..
and all he wishes for..
is tt u'll be happy..
n I hope tt u'll truely be..

Dar's awake..
the past few days have really been nerve-wrecking..
literally like a rollercoaster ride..

I dunno how much more dar can take..
bt I guess it's nt up to us to decide..
dar's been real strong..
God's been v gracious to all of us..

Taking a step back..
I dunno if u really regret..
bt even if u do..
it's alr too late..
u had ur chance..

Suddenly rmbed what he used to tell me..
Opportunities come n go..
once u miss it..
there's a chance they might come back..
bt a higher possibility tt they'll nv..

Looking at things frm my perspective..
I dun really understand how it's gd for us..
bt only He'll know..

As for u guys..
I know u all can read this if u all want to..
bt I dun think u all would be bothered with me anyway..
IF u read this..
LEAVE US ALONE..
u've caused enough hurt to nt only the person alone bt to the rest of the ppl ard as well..
we wun let u get tt person..
NEVER..

~ Life's too short for trivial craves.. ~

Had lunch at the Tea House cos Mario, Mavelin n Roger are leaving alr..
it was real nice..
n u won't believe the no. of containers of dimsum we had..
63 containers!!!
Excluding the 2 large plates of stir fried kailan n ee fu noodles n dessert..
Wow..
tt's a lot..
haha..
considering we had 2 tables...
of abt 20 ppl in all...
1 person had an av of 3 containers..
nt tt bad..
:P

Going for DND later..
dunno if I'd be going back to sch to stay...
cos there's a work shop tmr..
then there's union mtg..
n baby will be staying in sch for Strings Camp tonite..
bt....
I've gotta carry my whole make up kit along..
n I've gotta bring extra clothes if I go..
sigh..
dunno..
see how..........

Baby..
I'm so sorry..
sorry for making u feel unwanted n nt needed..
sorry for letting u feel transparent..
I nv meant it tt way..

I really was frustrated n upset..
n ur fren was making it worst with all the sms..
I do nt nt wanna see u..
I know tt u wanna spend time with me..
tt u wanna be by my side..
I'm sorry..

I'm sorry for having such a bad attitude..
really am..
U sounded v upset..
u looked lost..

If I could..
I'd take tt all away..
I'm so sorry..

I pray that I'll learn how to love u more..

She's fine..
or so they say..
bt they're moving her..
I dunno where to..
I dunno what for..

Tas doesn't want me down for dance..
he wants me to acc her..
Sky cant get out of the hospital..
so I cant meet him..

I dunno where else to go..

Liqin is such a nice person..
She knows I'm nt feeling well...
so she told me to take a rest n said tt she'd wake me up..

Then she took a cup of milo for me..

So nice....
like an older sis..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This portion will prob nv be read by u..

Do u know how much u mean to her?
cos apparently u dun seem to care..
She has been waiting for ur calls n smses..
bt did u?!?
Cos if u did..
she didn't receive it..
She wanted to see u so badly today..
u told her tt u're tired..
tt u'll see her another day..
U could go for camp when her condition is so critical..
I can't even concentrate during dance..
N now..
u can slp..
He brought her to see u..
when she called n found out frm ur mum tt u're slping..
she gave up..
she stopped breathing..

U had better pray hard tt she'll be fine..
else u'll be guilty for life..
He wun let u off..
neither would she..
N I'll serve to be ur rememberance of her..

Was on MC yest..
my throat's tonsils are giving me probs (AGAIN)..
bt at least I had time to rest..

Went out for dinner at marina south with dar..
she looks ok..
bt I could hear frm her voice tt she isn't v well..

Sky..
sorry for nt informing..
n for nt paying enough attention..
I'm glad tt she had a great time yest..

Oh..

Baby gave me a pendant n a hp chain yest..
Thx lots baby..
when he took the pendant to let me see..
my first reaction was..
"V nice! For u?!?"
cos the chain was those black rubberized kind..
N the hp chain..
I asked..
"Who buy for u?"
Haha..
when dar found out..
she said tt she wanted to borrow a hammer n hammer me..
baby's face on hearing those was a blank..
Sorry..

The pendant is v nice..
a cross..
and a heart on top of it..
baby wanted a ring on top bt he couldnt find it..
said tt this pendant means tt his love comes with faith..
so sweet..

The hp chain is this light sensitive blinking thing..
haha..
dunno how to describe it..
bt it's really v cute..

Juz saw Ms Fong juz now..
she looks radiant..

Feeling a little tired cos of the med..
gotta try to stay awake..

Had lunch with Kenneth (yps) n his bunch of frenz today..

It's interesting how u get to meet each other aft donkey years...
I had left YPS at the end of P5..
n lost contact with a large no. of people until Wang Kai invited me for the bbq gathering at the end of sec 4..
tt's when I saw many familiar and some nt so familiar faces..

Kenneth's was one tt stuck..
he didn't really change much..

Will be going for dance later..
Jive n waltz..

Smtg's been up my mind recently..
cant seem to slp well..

Nvm..
at least she's fine..
dun agitate urself k dar..
I'll help u in anyway possible..
promise..

Everything in It's Time - Corrinne May

Sometimes I wonder
What lies ahead
How long til lmy hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it
In this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
to find an answer to get thru it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs
And the river hides
Out to the ocean
And under the sky
I promise you
The answer will come
Hold on to patience
And watch for the sign
Everything in it's time

I've been feeling like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons why I should give up
but I'm stubborn in the things I believe

Cos the river runs
And the river hides
Out to the ocean
And under the sky
I promise you
The answer will come
Hold on to patience
And watch for the sign

Cos maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
(still can't see)
A little surprise like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

There are a thousand reasons why I should give up
but I'm stubborn in the things I believe

Cos the river runs
And the river hides
Out to the ocean
And under the sky
I promise you
The answer will come
Hold on to patience
Just watch for the sign
Everything in it's time
Everything in it's time

Baby..
I dunno what else I can do..
the song says it all..
Pray baby..
pray with me........

God,
thank You for keeping her..

~For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. For that ye ought to say, If the LORD will, we shall live, and do this, or that. - James 4:14,15~

Daddy says no...
he said tt baby isn't the one..
tt I'm still young..
tt baby isn't of the same denomination..
tt he doesn't wanna see me in a rlsp with him..

It hurts..
those words hurt so bad..
I felt numb..
I dunno...

I dunno if I should carry on..
or listen to daddy..
I haven't been listening alr..

I was staring blank on the bus ride..
I didn't know who to talk to..
she's still slping..
sky says tt I should make my own decision..
tt it's my choice aft all..
tt I should share my feelings with baby..
tt I should share the burden..

N it's times like this..
when my mind blanks..
n my heart stops feeling..
I dunno what to do..

Yah..
pray abt it..
n is tt all?


~U'll nv know the sound of heart breaking till u've been thru it.. ~

The frailty of life...

Guess ppl do know abt it bt they dun really think abt it till it occurs..

Sometimes ppl can be alive and kicking one min...
yet dull and sick the next..
Sometimes u'll nv know when u'll see tt person again..

It's upsetting to know this kinda things are happening to the ppl ard u..
esp the ppl tt are most impt to u..
yet..
they do..

When ppl dun care..
or when they appear to...
bt actually cant give a shit..
it hurts..

I know I haven't been cherishing a lot of ppl ard me..
I'm trying to make up for it..
I'm trying to spend more time with them...
I juz hope it's enough..

I juz thot of the best song to describe this rlsp...

N it'll prob be what he'll say.....

If Your Heart's Not In It - Westlife

I'm missing you
Girl even though you're right here by my side
Cause lately it seems
The distance between us is growing too wide
I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
It's the last thing that I wanna hear

But if your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

You say that you love me
But baby sometimes
You're just saying the words
If you've got somethin' to tell me
Don't keep it inside
Let it be heard

I'm so afraid that you're saying it's over
Girl I'll make it easy for you

If your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

How I wish I could take us back in time
But it's gone too far now we can't rewind
(And there's nothing that I can do ,to stop me from losin' you)
I can't make you change your mind
(If your heart's not in it)

If your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away

If your heart's not in it for real
Please don't try to fake what you don't feel
If love's already gone
It's not fair to lead me on
Cause I would give the whole world for you
Anything you ask of me I'd do
But I won't ask you to stay
I'd rather walk away
If your heart's not in it

Just finished a whole load of work..
finally get the chance to rest a while..

Tc of urself..
I know it's none of my business..
bt I still do care..
I'm sure tt she'll tc of u too..

I agree with Carrie's nick..
I think it's v true..

I most prob wun be going to the class gathering later..
cos I'll be going to acc diana..
she wants to go to TM to service her hp..
dunno whether I've gt the energy to travel..

I shouldn't be tt affected by u anymore..
bt u know I still am..
maybe tt's y u do what u're doing..

I shouldn't rely on ppl too much..
cos it's nt gd..
bt if I dun..
it's nt gd either..

Tough choice..

~ LOVE imprints a memory no one can ever steal, but leaves a hurt no one else can heal. ~

Went out with dar today..
went to her plc 1st..
then went out for dinner..
had cafe cartel..

Today's day 2..
saw smtg v nice at j8.. :P

Ok...
so what if u've found out the password..
tt's no longer impt..
whatever tt's done's done..
whatever's happened happened..
u dun have to comment abt me tt way..
the SLUT word..
the _|_ sign..
sigh........

It's OVER..

I know I was in the wrong..
bt I didn't curse n swear at u..
I didn't bad-mouth u..
if I did in the past..
I'm sorry..
at least I'm nt doing it now..
unlike what u are..

I shall nt stoop to tt level to criticise u..
we both have our mistakes..
mine more than urs..
bt still.......
I'm really sorry...
I would really like to make it up to u..
bt I really dunno what to do..
if u want things to remain like this..
I cant do anything..
u've gt her..
I didn't comment abt anything..

Yes..
I was hurt..
still am..
bt u've moved on in ur own way..
let me move on..
pls...
dun linger..
dun do this to me..

I'm tired......

I was buried in work..
dozing off..
when Malar came over n told me..
"U've gt a bouquet! Collect it from the mail room.."

I was like..
"huh?!?"

Baby was so nice..
he actually sent a bouquet of 3 blue roses to the office..
when I went down..
the ppl from the mail room were staring at me..
there was this lady who saw n said tt it's v nice..
a man said tt it's v sweet..
Shalena said tt even her husband dun do this for her..

Baby..
u've set the benchmark..
now everyone wants one..
:P

Thank you so much...
u really make my day..
n YES!
I'm happy..
no wonder u said tt u hope I'd be happy today..
:)

Went for lunch with Jas, Kat n baby..
had korean food..
wasn't v fantastic..

Well..
at least baby came down..
tt's what matters.. :)

This is a v nice song..
I dunno the title...
dunno who's the singer..
bt I could make out the lyrics...
so here goes...

All these precious moments
with you by my side
Must be a gift from heaven
that's holding me all night

I don't know how I found you
I'm thankful that I have
Now that I have a love so true
To hold, to keep, to share

In my heart
I can no longer hold inside
All of the love I used to hide
I'd always be
With you until the very end

In this world
There is no place I rather be
You are my life, my soul, my girl
And thru it all
I know you'll come to see
That you're the one
Till the end

All my friends around me
Say you'll be gone too soon
Baby, I'm gonna make them see
We found out way back home

In my heart
I can no longer hold inside
All of the love I used to hide
I'd always be
With you until the very end

In this world
There is no place I rather be
You are my life, my soul, my girl
And thru it all
I know you'll come to see
That you're the one
Till the end

We'll always be...
Till the end

Morning ppl..
okok..
I was late for work today..
let me explain..
I was having a bad stomach..
it ached so badly..

Yest,
tas didn't turn up for dance..
I didn't know what to do..
I still danced though..
aft tt..
took a bus back with baby n clar..
fell aslp on the bus n baby didn't wake me up..
so we overshot the bus stop..
had "dinner" near Florida (condo)..
n took a cab back..

Baby gave me a ring..
I still cant figure out when he gt it frm her...
bt I guess I shouldn't try to figure it out too..
It was supposed to go on my left hand's 4th finger bt it's too big so I wore it on the 3rd instead..
he wanted it to cover the pain...
baby..
thank you..

God..
thank YOU for him..

I dunno how long I'll take..
bt I know tt with u..
I feel at ease..

And the meaning of the ring?

A promise tt he'll be back for me..
a promise tt he'll nt be like......
a silent hope tt it'll take away the pain..

Thank you so much....