27/5/2003 Tuesday

Hi, back… again, Met WK yest n I think I was rather cold… No… correction… I was cold towards him… He was asking me qns n I didn’t even give a hoot abt it… bad rite? He kept saying, “ Actually I don’t see the problem… no… there’s no prob… even if there is, I’m sure we can solve it…” He kept giving me, “Girl, I’m hurt,” “I’m frustrated… what in the world are u thinking of?” “Why in the world are u doing this to me?” looks… What? He thinks I can’t read his expressions or his eyes? Pls… I’m not tt horrible… I can read others’ thots n feelings through their eyes n facial expressions but probably I’m too deep… haha… Diana doesn’t think tt way… cos she, like me, can read ppl…

Actually I can’t tell y I’m feeling this way… but it’s definitely affecting this rlsp… he looked upset but I really think I should chill for a while… He asked me if he could still hold me… I didn’t give him an ans… he left alone yest. I juz sat there and thought… many things went through my mind and the song “Sometimes Love Juz Ain’t Enough” kept replaying in my mind like a broken recorder… I can’t determine my feelings… he said tt if I loved him, I should not do this to him… tt it’s unfair to him… do u think I don’t know?

Dear told me to cherish what I have… n tt I won’t be able to get him back if I were to lose him… kor said tt I shouldn’t play with WK the way I did with him… heartbroken… I Did NOT play with my kor! And I don’t wanna play with WK… tt’s y I’m procrastinating… I don’t wanna do it… I don’t wanna use him as a substitute for anyone… they’re both different! If this side’s heavier, how can the other side be of the same weight? It’s the same logic… If I feel more for one, how can I feel the same for the other?

I mean it’s like even if I don’t see WK, I don’t feel much of a diff… but if I don’t see him (the other one) I’ll feel tt something’s amiss… what’s this supposed to mean? I know WK ’s worried… I know tt he doesn’t want this rlsp to come to an end… but if it’s causing him so much agony and it’s a strain on him, why shouldn’t it be terminated? I know I must make a choice soon… n I can guarantee tt it’s no easy feat… who? One will be there for me, one won’t… one loves me, one don’t… u might tell me, “ The ans is staring u straight in the face, u MORON! Of cos u should choose the one who loves u and cares for u…not the other one!” I know… but… I can’t choose! Emotions are weird… love is blind… although I know tt I’ll get hurt, I still wanna try… STUPID! I’ve been hurt before n still I wanna send myself into the lions’ den… to be hurt ONCE AGAIN… DUMB! WK promised not to hurt me… to protect me… yet I wanna get hurt… I don’t wanna him to hurt me, yet I’m willing to be hurt by others… IDIOT! IMBECILE!! The wound’s still fresh, the pain’s still etched in my heart and I’m going to get scarred again? INSANITY! TOTALLY OUT OF MY MIND!!! This is indeed MADNESS… WHAT AM I DOING? I don’t know and I’m sure tt u can’t comprehend… I’m so confused… Way am I this way? why? Why? WHY? Doshite… Nande… watashi… watashi no kimochi… nani?


“ I don’t wanna lose you, I don’t wanna use u,
Juz to have somebody by my side.
I don’t wanna hate u, I don’t wanna take u,
I don’t wanna be the one to cry.
Tt don’t really matter, to anyone, anymore.
And like a fool I keep losing my place,
I keep seeing u walk thru tt door.

Chorus
And there’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when u know it’s ur heart u can’t trust
There’s a reason y ppl don’t stay where they are
Baby sometimes love juz ain’t enough

I can nv change u, I don’t wanna blame u
Baby u don’t have to take the fault
Yes, I may have hurt u,
But I did not desert u
Maybe I juz wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like the rain
And like a fool who will nv see the truth
I keep thinking something’s gonna change

Chorus

And there’s no way home
When it’s late at night and u’re all alone
Are there things tt u wanted to say
Do u feel me beside u in ur bed
There beside u where I used to lay

And there’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when u know it’s ur heart they can’t touch
There’s a reason y ppl don’t stay who they are
Cos baby sometimes love juz ain’t enough
Baby sometimes love juz ain’t enough" - Sometimes Love Juz Ain't Enough (Stephanie Sun)

25/5/2003 Sunday

Hi! Today I’m stuck at home… was supposed to meet up with Nat and Diana to go to the library… but my dad didn’t allow…

Yest, I went down to Marina Sth… Was SO extra there! It was supposed to be 4E5’s class gathering… not mine… n I appeared there to meet up with Diana… haha… lame… I was mad yest… I made Diana totally worried and angry… I knew tt she was tired and all and yet I could juz make her angry… tt’s so horrible of me…

I had been thinking a lot these couple of days… a lot on the rlsp… on friendship… and other stuff… I shouldn’t be thinking abt all these but I can’t help it… I figured tt practising the ‘policy of isolationism’ might be a good way to help me sort out my thots and feelings without hurting ppl… I keep hurting the ppl who care abt me the most…n I know tt I didn’t wanna do tt on purpose… I juz… subconsciously did it…

Man… do I suck… I can’t handle stuff the way I used to… I can’t think straight… I’ve been so numb by hurt and pain tt I don’t really feel the pinch anymore… But I guess tt at present, I really can’t lose Diana… yest when I made her upset, she told me tt she don’t wanna care abt me anymore… I know tt she’s telling me so much cos she cares… cos she don’t wanna anything bad to happen to me… I know she’s tired of scolding me… of telling me to wake up… of worrying for me… I know… I understand… but sometimes, thots juz fill my mind… to the extent tt I can’t think straight n end up hurting everyone around me including myself… STUPID…

I dunno if I should say this… I know tt if WK reads this, he’ll be VERY upset… but… I don’t wanna lie to him… and most importantly… myself. I still like someone else… dumb? Yes… but true… I’d nv stopped liking him… n I only found out recently… Probably tt ’s the root of my frustrations… but I really dunno… I can’t put my finger on what I’m thinking…

Nat and Desmond seem very compatible… I can see… but I don’t think I’ll comment so much… I don’t even think I’ll tell her what I feel… cos I don’t wanna her feelings to be based on my deductions… I don’t wanna ruin her future or in this case, her rlsp.

I dunno what else to write… I’m SO tired… I feel like slping… yawn… and it’s only like 3.45pm! (*-*) Seeing stars… (-_-) Zzz I guess I’ll go take a short nap… then I’ll be able to study later… :)

Hey! It’s been a long time since I’ve came online to write in my blog… cos of the bills… stupid bills… the phone line came up to $160/- … do u believe it? It actually costs so much for some dumb Internet bills! Then again, it’s not very easy to do without the Internet esp. in the present society.

I’ve found out tt my blog’s addie has been leaked out… wonderful… now more ppl know… and the worst thing is… I’m not the one who gave it to the person… tt person gain access to my blog through someone… I know who tt dumb ass is… k… I know tt it’s a crude word but I don’t care! Privacy ppl!!! Tt idiot… sigh…

I’ve juz taken my A maths paper 1 mock today… guess what? I don’t think u’ll need to… it’s SO hard!!! A deduction of 39 marks already… y? Cos I didn’t do the qns… tt’s y… it’s a confirm fail… Though I studied hard into the night… I think the studying had a part to play in my results… @ least I know how to do a couple of qns.

We were given a topic to talk on for CME today. My group chose the topic ‘Stress’. An extremely adequate topic for life in XMS. Stress… Kiasuism… teachers are ‘competing’ against each other to see who can load us with the most amt of work; students are studying like mad idiots… I know tt the word is redundant but it does serve to enforce the fact tt it’s pressurising! Stress… I mean it’s like I’m studying a total of 8 subj. One’s a combined, the rest are seemingly ‘pure’ subj. I study things like differentiation, integration, sets, indices, surds and logarithm… relative velocity… I don’t see any practical usage for them… then y bother study?!? But… tt’s Spore’s education system… very pragmatic… having the paper qualifications means tt u’re one head above the others… Ur future would be paved out… sux… true… but we’re all living in this kinda stressful, realistic, competitive environment… tt’s y we’ve need for an Institute of Mental Health. Sooner or later, we’ll need 2… it’s juz a matter of time…

Smtg’s wrong with me… smtg’s VERY wrong… I dunno… I’m feeling very confused… Diana said tt I ‘ding xin’ not enough… basically means tt I’m not determined enough… I know tt it’s my problem but I don’t think tt it’s a fault on my part… if only I hadn’t been hurt so badly before… if only… had it not been for tt time, I wouldn’t be this way now… I won’t be in a dilemma… I’ve premonitions tt smtg’s gonna happen soon… n it might be sooner than I had expected… I won’t say what it is… cos I don’t wanna cause unnecessary worries or problems to arise…

I… sigh… I don’t wanna hurt ppl… I don’t wanna say tt someone’s being an obstruction or someone else is a bother or a nuisance… don’t worry… tt’s not how I feel… @ least not yet… I’ll update u when I’m starting to feel this way… come to think of it… how many ppl have access to my blog? Dear, Nat, Kiat, Hawa, Marcus, Diana, um… Kareen n the one who found out… tt’s 8 ppl… k… I think I’ll tryta keep it low… not very gd to let many know abt my stuff… esp. the deepest stuff… I’m feeling pain… numb… I think I’m losing feeling… I can’t even be sure of my own feelings now… I keep thinking a lot nowadays… Random thots… many things juz flash through my mind… either one event @ a time, or numerous… I can be eating halfway, having lessons and even in the midst of my paper! Can’t seem to be able to control my trail of thots… I found out tt I’ve been thinking VERY fast in recent days… I was doing the topic today and my thots juz flowed on… if I didn’t pen my thots down, they’ll soon be lost… I dunno if tt’s considered gd or bad… guess it has its pros and cons…

I guess I’ll stop here… b4 my thots flow on… cya again soon…

Hi! I've been banned fron using the internet for 1 mth... imagine! 1 whole mth! Why? Cos the bill chalked up to a large sum of money... $162 for internet bills... cool rite?

I'm starting to feel stressed... over many things... school,home, and yes, the rlsp... I'm frustrated... dunno why... I feel tt way... I just feel so strangled... everyone wants a part of my time... teachers, family... I'm already struggling... Later today's my Emaths's Paper 1... I'm not prepared enough... time... I've already limited time... I'd divided them nicely... Diana's, Nat's, family's, sch's, his... I can't do more! He asked me to spend more time with Diana... y? cos she's my dear? No... cos he doesn't want her 'eating' into his time... I dunno what's it supposed to mean... Is he too possessive? He told me tt he's not...

We seem to be silent... ppl call to talk... our 'conversation' is the breathing of the other... when asked what's he's thinking of, he would say, 'nothing' or 'I don't wanna say' or something of the like. I asked if he was feeling stressed... abt sch, hw and the rlsp... guess what he said? "I don't wanna ans this qns." What a nice reply... At tt pt we talked abt mtg this sat, he said tt he hoped I would be free cos I always have things cropping up at the last minute... tt he would be disappointed if I could not make it. I know I'm usually busy and tt it's difficult to fit into my schedule... I know tt he's trying very hard and I appreciate the effort... I really do... but... things juz happen! I can't do anything abt it can I?

I'm trying very hard not to feel this way... I feel like he's trying to possess me... let me be his and his only... I dunno what to do... if I conpel, I'll feel caged... if I don't, I'll feel bad... I really dunno what to do... I feel helpless... I feel tt I've lost my sense of direction... I don't wanna get hurt again... am I holding back? If so, from what? I'm not easy to comprehend eithere... even I dunno what I'm thinking of... I'm so tired... I really am... I dunno where to find strength to carry on... It's already 3.05am... I better stop writing...

It has been quite some time since I’ve written in my blog… those ‘loyal followers’ might have noticed by now… Well… I was boggled down with Chinese Prelims and exhaustion… so I didn’t have the time. This morning, Diana told me the latest news on her condition. She isn’t doing very well… in fact, she had a splitting headache when I saw her during lunch and the sight of her being like tt breaks my heart. She can’t take it anymore… but I hope tt she’ll strive on… there’re many things I can’t write… cos the consequences would be dire… I can’t even say them… I’m quite a horrible person… selfish… I know tt she can’t take it, yet I want her to go on… why? Cos I don’t wanna lose her… I can’t lose her… I’m afraid… I don’t wanna get hurt again… cos the pain in unbearable and it eats me from the inside…

Diana said tt she’s ‘my problem’ … is she really a problem to me? I will know why he’ll make such a deduction… cos he doesn’t wanna see me upset… to see me worry abt Diana. But I cannot NOT worry abt her! She’s too close… she’s more than juz a friend, a or in tt sense a good friend, she’s a dear… she’s half of me… the other half is his… k… now u might say tt I’m being biased, being unfair to him… I’m not! I’m really not… As I’ve probably said a million times, I love the both of them… they’re both very important ppl to me… both cannot be replaced or substituted by each other, much less by others… they’re indispensable.

I ran my 2.4 today… man was I slow! 15.49! There goes my A… Dreaded… Nvm… I think it’s a B or C… then my score will be 26 or 27… sigh… nvm… I feel like seeing him now…. But I can’t depend on him to solve my problems can I? Wait… what problems do I have? I can’t depend on him to make me feel better if anything were to happen rite? Ok… I can but I shouldn’t be over reliant… I can’t rely on Diana… she should be relying on me now… he already has his own set of problems… I shouldn’t tax him with mine… then again, I keep asking him to pour out his difficulties to me… if I don’t say anything, the scales will be tipped in my direction… not tt I mind but he would. He wouldn’t want me to bear the load myself… My mind’s drifting… like a sail moving aimlessly on the sea, I seem to be drifting further away from the shore… waiting for someone to help me, or for the waves to push me back… to dependent… guess I’m not ready to lift the sail and move with the wind… or make use of the wind to my advantage… I’ll need to learn soon… I must try… I must!

10/5/2003
Hi! It’s 3.09am the time I’m typing this to be entered sometime later today or tmr… I’m SO tired! I’ve juz finished my chi “thousand word table” and going on to the idioms. My eyelids are shutting… I don’t know how long more I can last… I need to rest… If not I won’t be able to concentrate on my chi mock later today! Die… then y am I wasting time writing this!?! Well… I find it a need to…

Today, I mean yesterday, my class angered Mr Pah… seriously, he’s a great and wonderful teacher… most of the class, and I’m totally ashamed to say tt I was one of them had our Chinese on our tables… some of them were even doing it! The sight agitated Mr Pah and he stormed out of the class without waiting for the period to end or for the class to ‘send’ him off. I guess this anger was accumulated over the last yr and today (yest) was the last straw… He juz couldn’t withstand it anymore… he juz blew… the whole class went to apologise to him aft Chem as we did not have self- study today. Then he said tt he wished tt we had not gone to apologise as if we did not, he would have the clear picture tt he’s not needed or wanted in the class. I guess he was VERY upset and extremely disappointed with my class… when he was making his ‘speech’ with us aft sch, he seemed to be directing everything at me cos he kept looking at me when he was making comments. Aft the ‘speech’ he sent my whole class back as he said tt he did not wanna cry in front of us. My class stayed solemnly in the classroom when few girls started tearing. Mr Choo came in a little later and was surprised at his find. A whole class of ‘statues’ staring at one thing or another with a few crying… then he started talking… aft he finished, the whole bunch of girls were in tears… including me. We (I) was so upset… although Mr Pah came in later and said tt he forgives us, I still feel VERY bad… I shouldn’t have done tt… I shouldn’t… sigh then y did I??? Seriously… I dunno… I really don’t…

I met him yest as well… it was quite ok… actually I was procrastinating if I should ask him cos, I wasn’t exactly in a good mood… but I was glad he turned up… I really feel like sleeping now… so I’ll stop here… still have at least 5 pages of my idiom study table…

Hi! Back again... well... I'm a little late today... I was supposed to come online at like 8 or 8.30... but it's 9.34 now. I was too tired... totally exhausted so I fell asleep... I had thought of resting for only a while... until 7... but guess what? I dozed off... and slept like a log till around 9. Then, I didn't have dinner as my mum thought tt I had already eaten and didn't keep anything for me... nvm abt tt... didn't really liked eating in the first place... I dunno if tt's what u call anorexia... but it's highly possible...

I have to get started on my chinese... having Mock this Sat... and I'm only like 3 1/2 pages into the "Thousand Word Table" (literal translation of qian zi biao) die... we're supposed to learn 23 pages... and I'm so far behind time! Tt's y I slept... I'm trying to see if I can stay awake tonight... rush through what I can... learn as much as possible. At least I slept for abt 2 hrs... should be enough to last me for a while...

My bro fractured his arm. A greenstick fracture on his left radius to be exact... for those who do not understand "Medical" language... it's basically a small or incomplete crack on the lower arm bone tt is linked to the thumb. In my bro's case it's a hairline crack... sigh... dunno how come he's so careless... he quitted band and wanted to join computer club.... then due to peer pressure, he decided against it as his friend said tt it was BORING... so, under the influence of his friend, he decided to join table tennis... today was his first day of training... and he's so badly injured... not tt he sustained internal injuries or anything but... it's a fracture on the arm... good thing it's on the left arm... if not... I'm not sure how he's going to write... now tt exams are around the corner... he has to be in a cast for 3 wks... given MC for 2 days and excused frm 3 wks of vigorous activities... NAFA fail... sigh... nvm... still have next yr...

Today I had my chinese test... guess what? I studied the wrong pages... die... all the words look french to me... can't do many things... I also got back my chinese test paper... 66.5... wow... tt's a drastic drop! I took tt test on the day when Diana went back... when I found out abt her condition... my friend asked me why am I so affected by her absence... how would I know?!? I'm either an IS or SI... those are character traits... a person with a strong S (like me) has a great fear... my greatest fear is a sense of insecurity... loneliness... I dunno what to do... I don't seem to be abt to do anything abt it... it's part of my character.

I wanna cry... but I can't... at least at the point I'm writing this I can't... y? Probably cos I'm in sch... in class... I can't and I won't show my weak side... but it's hurting a lot... I can't stop the pain... no painkillers can 'kill' this pain... nothing's gonna work... only her presence... his presence might curb the part on insecurity but I guess it's different altogether... they're both playing different parts in my life. They're both impt ppl but it's different... I'm not able to see him in sch everyday... not able to even see him... Diana on the other hand is in the same sch as I am... not being able to see her is upsetting... devasting... tt's why I keep going down to 4E5... I need to see her... to know tt she's there... to let her know tt I'm here... it's no prob for her to find me...but I can't find her else where but in sch.

I'll be meeting him later but by the time I type this and when u read this, it would have already been past... I dunno what I'll do... probably juz look for a place... sit down, hug him and cry my heart out... I need her... I need him... I need the both of them! Selfish... yes, I agree... but what can you do abt it? Diana's MY dear, he's MY stead... it's therefore logical tt I feel this way, tt I want and need them the way I do... I still wanna cry... I'm getting more fragile by the moment... and I really can't afford to be... I can't...

I've met him... and I certainly am glad tt I didn't cry... I mustn't be so fragile... nope... I can't afford to go back to the old person tt I am... I detest my former self... too weak... too helpless... I can't be like tt... I can't...

I found out tt many ppl know abt me n him... My dear Diana knows, kor, nat, KS, his friends (Nip, desmond, his grp), Diana Koh, Joy, Rena, Cheng2, Mei Hui, Marcus, Alan Chow, some juniors (at least 4), Kareen, Hawa, Yvonne (Sec2), Asri, Shi Jie(Sec2), Lim Kim, Joanne(Sec2), Julia, Joanna Lim, Hui Yi, prob Marya, Kok Wei, Adrian, Vivian (4E2), Joanne's friend... tt's a lot... too many...

I juz found out tt nat told KS abt my rlsp with him... so cool... great... juz wonderful... worst still... without my knowledge... I'm hurting... y? Cos she told him? How would I know?!? It's like even I don't talk abt it... I try as much as possible NOT to publicise my rlsp... in other words, to keep it under wraps... but she... what and who gives her the right to do so? I certainly did not! I'm trying to keep cool... more than enough ppl know... I can't take it...

I'm crying... I haven't cried in a while... but I am... I dunno y... I juz am... the tears juz keep falling like raindrops. The sky doesn't seem to be able to sustain the weight of the water droplets and juz let them flow freely... I'm hurting... I feel as though a part of me has been ripped off...

Diana told me to talk to him abt it... yah... I will... but when? Diana has msged him to tell him... I think he'll try to get to me at all costs tmr... although I won't be back so early...

Today, I had Physics remedial b4 I went down to compasspt to meet him... then we proceeded down to J8 to meet Diana, n tt's where we saw Rena and gang. Aft "lunch" at Kopitiam, we went our seperate ways... WK and I went to Marine Parade... Diana went home. We went there n walked to Siglap for dinner, then we took a bus to Pasir Ris to change a bus home.

I feel so weak in his arms... I can't be strong... I juz can't resist... He said tt it's gd... I'm not sure if I can agree to tt... I can't risk myself getting feeble or too delicate... I'll probably cease to exist... When we were abt to part, I didn't wanna go... I didn't want him to go... I felt like juz holding on... let time freeze us as we were n let us relish the moment... but I know tt it isn't possible... we all know tt there's no such thing as freezing time...

I'm feeling so tired now... not so much of physically but more of mentally... I feel like fainting... like blacking out... not sleeping... I'm going to study for Monday's Chi test aft I'm done with this. I feel numb... probably due to the fact tt I blacked out when I stood up juz now... I can't even feel my nose! *sigh* Doesn't make much of a diff now... I feel so light... like I'm drifting away into some endless space, unable to grab hold onto some steady object...

Diana... dear... I love u a lot! Yah... I'm serious... whoever else is reading this... I'm (we're) not les or anything... n if u wanna think tt way I juz couldn't be bothered... I love her a lot n nothing's gonna change tt... I love him a lot as well... I can't live without the both of them... no... I'll be in a loss if lost either one of them... I can't... I really can't live without them in my life... I'm juz lost without them...

My parents came to talk to me today... abt our finiancial condition... keep repeating to me tt we need the money... we need the money... the house's only worth at most $390k (which is not a lot) n tt my dad needs the $$... what do u want me to do? I'm not worth tt much! I can go out on the road and welcome any incoming car and it'll still be not enough... I can close BOTH my bank accounts and it's still not enough... what else can I do? Rob a bank? Kidnap someone? Blackmail ppl? Kill? Definitely not! I'm not tt stupid to risk my life for $... but I can't juz be a sitting duck can I?!? Y don't I have a well-paying job? Y? How come? Doshite? Nande?

Today's Labour Day... yest was one month into our rlsp and I feel tt we're getting closer... we kinda have a mutual agreement tt we both can't do without the other... his letters are so sweet... they're filled with promises... hopes for the future... the 1st few (letters) were rather disturbing cos they contained his feelings... his views towards this rlsp tt we're having... tt our rlsp was on the rocks. The 2nd last letter he sent was on the 27th of April... tt's y I was so upset tt day... his letter showed his disappointment, his helplessness, his pain and despair... my reply to the previous letter which, he received on the 29th was written on 27th's aftnn... b4 he told me how he felt. He then told me tt he felt very guilty for doubting me... for making me upset. I replied to his letter... passed it to him yest. Aft reading it, he went, "I feel so bad for misunderstanding ur intentions... I'm so sorry..." I guess tt's juz part and parcel of a rlsp. Every rlsp has it's ups and downs and I'm not trying to boast or say tt "Hey! I've a perfect rlsp going on right now..." It's a must... a need to know the ppl around u better... esp when they're ur partners... He can tell me tt I'm the best and all... but there's bound to be rm for improvement...

I met Diana today... she looked great and it has been sometime since I've seen her this way... her condition's stagnant at the moment... not really improving but it's gd tt it's not detioriating in any sense. She said tt it was rather hard to teach him... cos he's rather slow... reaction slow...(which I agree) a bit silly... then he was like saying tt I'm describing an idiot... haha... he probably is... liking someone like me is no easy feat... I know... I'm not exactly the 'perfect half' tt guys dream of... I'm sociable... the interactive type... I'm steady in my friendships... and now... I'm committed... to this rlsp which I'm in. Feels tt we're getting closer yah? :) Takes time and effort... but with a strong foundation, I think all things will be more smooth going in future...

I can't live without him... neither can I without Diana... they're like my hands... part of my life... myself... without one and I'll cease to function... I love them too much! Esp. him... I can't let go...nope... I can't. Sounds silly but I hope tt our rlsp can last... who doesn't hope for theirs to? But there's still a long way to go... the religion thingy is quite a trying matter... both our parents n Nat's dad and my godsis can't know abt this or else I'll be dead! This is tough... but... as long as we're together... it's not going to be a prob...

God... pls help me... I really want him to believe... but... I know tt it's not up to me... it's up to u... Diana too... bring her to u too... pls... U know how much they mean to me... u placed them in my life for a purpose... pls, Father... open their hearts... administer to them...