Ok... I've nt written for a long time... fine... Many things happened... I dunno where to start... somethings cannot be written here I guess... cos they're rather personal... n I've no idea who in the world has access to my blog... so... I'll write what I think I can write...


I'm tired... yes... I know... I've been saying many times tt I'm tired... I'm tired... so what's the implication this time rite? Wrong... I really am tired... sick n tired of living life this way... if it seems to u tt I've changed a lot... then congrats... u've found the new me... yah... maybe I'm more short-tempered... maybe more emotional... maybe more easily affected... then again... I might be a little more cold... more stone... nt affected a bit by what u said... I dunno... I've no idea what in the world I've turned into... bt it's nt all tt gd I guess... I'm nt gd in the 1st plc... so who cares? I dun really care what I turn into... so y should I care abt how ppl see me?


Ok... results... totally sux... extremely... guess what? L1R5... 23... haha... there goes man... no more 3 mths JC... nvm... can work for 6 mths... anyway I've gotta work for 6 mths if I'm going to take up tt job... what am I saying? I've already gotten the job!!!


Oooo... this yr, we're going to have grad nite... u know... high table dinner over at Oriental Hotel... Hmmm... what to wear? Then again... do I have the capital to pay??? The dinner itself is already $55... I had to search high n low for money n even ended up borrowing money to pay for it... how n where can I find money for my apparel??? Maybe I'll borrow the clothes... else I'll borrow money... I dunno... tt's a lot of money to return nxt yr... man... this is juz great man... y didn't FA subsidise for us... yah... I guess it'll be unfair... cos nt everyone will get to use... yah... so we had to pay ourselves... I'll think abt aft 'O's... mine will end on the 19th Nov... high table's on 26th... tt's 2 mths frm now... frm today... today's 2 mths aft my b'day... haha... so easy to rmb... 80 days... it's 80 days now... yeah... 20 more days to 100... y am I counting? Sigh... I dunno... I really dun...

So I haven't written for 3 days... ok... face it, I had stuff to do ok...


On Sat, Di n I had a maths session where we spent our time doing maths... then on Sun which was yest, we went to help the guys... rather... she went to help the guys... I went there to rot... then I went to her grandma's plc where her aunt cooked spaghetti... yummy... :)


Ok... so today's image course was quite gd... gt to learn a little on interview skills... I think tt will be rather applicable later in life... Yeah... then it was back to lessons... sigh... so I'll be having self-study tmr... sigh... self-study again... tt means more practicals... although practicals r rather fun... then we'll have xtra eng, maths n whatever lesson tt will take over the chi periods... boring... nvm... 47 days... to 'D' day... muz put in more effort...

He's going to have an islandwide cycling 'expedition' tmr... I'm nt sure if it's at nite or in the morning... bt I hope tt he'll take care of himself...


Ok... so I gt back almost all of my results today... only left with physics... guess what? I did "great"... I was so "GOOD" tt I gt 23 for my L1R5... wow... n I put in 3 wks of study... what in the world happened to it?!?


I was so disappointed tt I had to hold back my tears... sigh... let's nt brood too much abt it... the more I write, the worst it becomes...


I guess I'll end today's short entry with a poem...


"I got your back
You got mine,
I'll help you out
Anytime.


To see you hurt
To see you cry,
Makes me weep
And wanna die.


And if you agree
To never fight,
It wouldn't matter
Who's wrong or right.


If a broken heart
Needs a mend,
I'll be right there
To the end.


If your cheeks are wet
From drops of tears,
Don't you worry,
Let go of your fears.


Hand in hand
Love is sent,
We'll be friends
Till the end " (taken frm email)

I reached hm at abt 2300 aft tuition... haha... today's tuition rm was v cold esp aft most of the ppl left... there were only 4 of us left in the end... I was sitting directly in front of the aircon n literally shivering... my hands were shaking... my teeth were chattering n I was feeling cold inside... So aft lessons, Di n I went to Mac to grab a cup of tea... cos nth I did was able to help me keep warm...


Today's the last day of prelims... finished my chi paper... ok... I've gt back a couple of results... n wow... my results r totally atrocious... extremely... I've gt nth else to say bt... "well done" I did HORRIBLY!!! sigh... I dunno what to do...

Ok... I had Chem pract... totally messy... cos there was this qns where u're supposed to add aq NaOH and aq NH3 to this soln P to find what the metal oxide... they gave us CaO, Al2O3 or ZnO2... many of us gt different ans... I gt Al2O3... En Wei n Eng Choon gt the same as me... then many gt ZnO2... Diana gt CaO... haha... so I went to ask Mrs Teo... n she said tt the ans is ZnO2... great... so I've minus one mark... nvm... there's oso this particular qns which involves the metal oxide... n it's 3 mks I think... great... hope there's ecf... else really die...


Dear didn't go to sch today... she woke up and felt unwell... she won't be going to sch tmr either... Sigh... tmr's the start of lessons... Juz found out tt we WON'T be having study leave... ok... 1 wk... at most... I mean... what in the world can we do in sch? Isn't it better tt we study at home? U can save time travelling... n it's like... we aren't having anymore lessons! Even if we do... how many ppl actually pay attn to what the tchr is saying? I dunno... I really dun... Y can't we juz have study leave? The few batches b4 us did... Is it cos we've a change of principals tt's y we dun have? I think so... I really think so... this sux man... sux big time...


I think our prelim results r totally atrocious... cos the tchrs all have knitted eyebrows, serious expressions... sigh... whatever... I didn't consider going for the first 3 mths of JC anyway... no... I nv considered JC! Cos if I did... I'll have to do smtg abt my job... cos I've gotta work for 6 mths to get tt job...


I've gt lotsa things on my mind now... A lot... so much tt I dunno what in the world I'm thinking abt... it's getting more n more obvious tt I need slp... tt I'm lack of slp... bt I juz can't slp well... what can I do? I haven't been able to slp well for the past 70 days... yah... it has been tt long... my eye bags are getting v obvious... my dark eye rings r forming... I can't help bt keep yawning... my eyes r tired... a hundred n one things r running in my mind... n I'm unable to clear them... I juz wanna have a gd rest... is it too much to ask for? How can I get one?

So I met Edwin today... yeah... aft sch, I went home, then dear asked me to go down to Kovan to meet her... so I did... then she msged me when I was almost reaching n told me tt Edwin was there as well... then I was like.. Wow... n I didn't know... So I juz went... n when I saw him, I was like... Oh my gdness... dear then said... remain frenz better... remain as frenz... guess how bad it was?


I managed to study my Sec 4 chi syllabus... then I was a "tutor" for Darren's frenz... yeah... was helping them with their physics... the Fleming's Right Hand rule... Generator... yah... so I think they should understand... or so I hope...


I didn't slp till 3+ this morning... cos I can't slp... I really cannot... I'm tired bt I juz cannot slp... this sux...


Today's physics pract was a mess... electricity n general physics (mass n density) I didn't know how to do!!! Haha... tt's juz great...


I'll be able to go to sch a little later tmr... cos pract starts at 10 n I only have to report at 9... so I can slp till 7.30, latest 8... :)

I went down to Toa Payoh to meet dear n darren then she helped him with his studies... then I kept repeating a song in her discman... nice song... nt bad...


I'm tired of thinking... I dun feel like thinking anymore... I really dunno... I dun like Darren!!! Bt if she's happy... then anything... I'm fine with it... I really am... I only want her to be happy...


Tt day, she went a little mad... I was frightened by her... bt nt to tt extent... I started crying... I msged him... yeah I did... n he didn't reply... I guess he totally forgot abt me... yah... with her... ok... so I'm unimpt... I know tt... I really do... I'm nt impt at all... to him... ok... fine... I cried cos I felt useless... w/o him... w/o her... I'm useless... I can't stand up on my own... like I'm putting up a false front... to show others tt I'm strong... to show him tt I can go on... stupid... v stupid...


Ok... so they quarrelled... big, fat, hairy deal... bt they're ok now... they're fine... they're a couple... they're meant to be together... God... help me... I'm nt as impt to him as he is to me... he can choose nt to care abt me bt I cannot nt care abt him... cannot... forget it...

Ok... I've gotta be fast... cos I'm supposed to be offline in another 5 mins time...


I stayed over at dear's plc last nite... nt tt bad I guess... bt I didn't really slp... in fact... I think tt the both of us didn't really slp... cos I was tossing n turning... n whenever I moved, she would wake up... yah... so in a way I kept the both of us up...


This morning, we went to Woodgrove for their Affirmation ceremony... ok... nt tt bad... although it was a small-scale event, it was v well planned... n formal as well... aft the ceremony, we went to Sembawang Park for quite some time... then I had to go for my youth grp mtg...


Today's mtg was a combined mtg... n it's a talk on homosexuality... It has been a long time since I went for mtg... like the 3rd in the whole yr! Sigh... nt committed enough... n saying tt I've 'O's is nt justified cos many Sec 4s were regular... Nt prioritising correctly... what's this... sigh... muz put more emphasis on God now... I'm drifting away... n I still have the cheek to tell ppl to pray more to prevent backsliding... what a hypocrite...

I've been into stars a couple of days ago... cos I find tt stars, like life are different... stars sparkle... shimmer... they do nt last long... the older stars fall and are replced by the younger newer ones... like life, this happens... Oh... yah... anyway... the pic attached is my constellation star... leo.. nice huh... :) Stars... bright at times... dim at others... bt there're there... even if u can't see them... Stars light up the dark sky... Stars... the best enjoyed with the one u love...


I'll be going out soon... n I won't be back till tmr cos I'll be going over to dear's plc to stay... I hope I'll be able to slp... well... tata...

This yr's my first yr "celebrating" the mooncake festival having tuition...


I was awaken today by the ringing of the hp... Dear called me at 9 n told me to meet at 10 at J8 cos we're going to meet her youngest sis' stead... I was like... What? I'm nt even awake yet! Bt I still gt myself out of the bed n rushed to make it down on time... I was on time bt her sis' stead didn't turn up! Y in the world did I rush?!? Whatever... so we had breakfast... dear, cheryl (her sis) n joven (her cousin)... then we went to take neoprint... n played arcade games for a while... then we went back to her plc to take a bath b4 going out again.


Dear n I went down to White Sands (again) to get a little smtg for a fren whose b'day's coming up... it was a silver bracelet with tt person's name engraved on it... it's v nice... n the cost was $10.90 for the bracelet, $5 for the name, $3 for the box... so tt's a total of 18.90... nt cheap huh... for a person's present... well... tt person liked it so I guess it paid off...


Then, we went for tuition... we had thot of skipping tuition or leaving half-way bt cos the weather wasn't all tt gd, we decided to forgo tt thot... Nth much to do anyway... so we stayed on for tuition...


Tt Kenneth is really getting on my nerves... he's SO EXTREMELY IRRITATING!!! Talking non-stop during tuition class... I almost slapped him... bt... I'm nt tt violent so I didn't... Dear n Darren oso had difficulty trying to keep their cool...


I guess I'll stop here...

I went to study chi today... did only one paper... as in finished one paper...


They're quarrelling again... sigh... what's the matter with them?!? Her nick's "iF sumtiMes it seEms to u tt im cLingiNg on to the pAst, it's mostLy coz i caN't yet accept, our loVe didNt last..." His is " tings wil nv b e same..... u nv noe wats on my mind..... guess i wil nv c my dream cum true.... *sigh*"


What's his dream? What does he hope will come true? Who nv know what's on whose mind? Why? Can't the both of them juz sit down n talk abt it? A major flaw of a rlsp is the inability to communicate... y can't they juz communicate? Talking can solve things... In a way it can... y? I know tt I can't do anything... it's their prob... I really can't do anything abt it... bt... aft giving up on so much juz for them n now they're in this state, I really can't help bt feel frustrated n dismayed... I mean... who wouldn't?!? I dun get it... I really dun... she's impt to him... he's impt to her... then y can't they juz sit down n sort out their differences? If u want things to happen ur way, u've gotta do it urself... u want someone to understand u, u've gotta show tt person... let the person know... dun expect tt tt person will know what u're thinking of... cos tt person's nt u... if u're nt willing to show, tt person will nv know...


I dun wanna bother... I dun wanna care... bt somehow I feel attached to the prob... cos of him... cos of her... cos it's indirectly related to me... tt's y... tt's y... y can't I juz forget? I know tt it's hard to forget a person esp when the feeling's deep... when it's etched in ur heart... I'm nt hoping to forget... I juz... I... dun even know what I want... I dun even know what to do... I've been living the past 64 days like this... juz living a day at a time... praying for strength to carry on... tt God will grant me more strength each day cos the feeling gets stronger... tt God will help me...


A walk to rmb is a nice show... I hope tt I can have the faith tt Jamie Sullivan has... she's suffering... yet her faith is so strong... she said, " I dun need a reason to be angry with God..." yes... what have I been doing? I've nt been trusting God... I keep asking Him y He planned this... y let me go thru all this pain... y... y... Y??? I've nt quieten myself n ask y I'm asking God y... y do I want God to ans my qns... Does God need to justify His actions to me? What am I?!? Nth as compared to Him... God... I'm sorry... pls forgive me...

I was out the whole day today... yah... practically...


I went out at abt 9 in the morning to meet dear at 1030 at white sands for breakfast... then we went looking for some accessories... we bought a pair of rings... yah... guess tt to a certain extent we're committing ourselves to each other... my mum kinda freaked out when she saw tt I was wearing a ring... esp when it was on my right hand's fourth finger... then I took it out to let her have a look at it... then when she saw dear's name engraved in it, she was like... u be careful... dun become les or smtg... I told her tt both of us are straight... I wanted to say... "Mummy... pls have more trust in ur daughter ok... I'm straight... We both are... We like guys... n b'cos of tt we gt hurt... so we juz decided nt to get involved in bgr anymore..."


So aft tt, I went over to dear's plc where we stayed for the rest of the time... yeah... wanted to go out aft her mum came back.. bt we didn't... so... nvm... I reached home at abt 8+... I had 4 missed calls n 1 msg received haha... n I didn't notice... haha... only found out when I reached for the hp when I wanted to go home... else I wouldn't even know...


I found out tt I can't really slp... no... seriously... I really can't... I feel like I'm lack of smtg... I feel kinda lonely... although I'm sharing a rm with my 2 sis, I feel tt I'm alone in the rm... or worst... in the house... I know tt God's there... I know tt He won't leave me... guess I haven't been trusting Him a lot... I muz trust Him... cos w/o Him... I really can't slp... I feel as though my world's so empty... like as though I'm the only one left... tt there's no one there... Tt's known as the sense of insecurity... the EXTREME end of it...


Today's past 2 mths... yeah... 2 mths... seems like a long time has past... bt the hurt's still present... I dun feel the pain... bt I know tt it's still existant... yah... it's there all rite... cos if it's nt, I won't feel insecure... truthfully speaking, I get more insecure as the days pass... yah... soon I'll get insomnia... sigh... whatever...

Ok... I'm finally able to log on the net to do what I want... all bcos my bro of mine was using the com...


I was v tired n so I slept a long time yest... no... serious... I slept frm 4+ in the aftnn n woke up only at 11.30pm... I was like tt tired... bt I couldn't slp aft tt... only went back to slp at abt 5+ in the morning n had to wake up at 7 to go to sch... sigh...


I spoke to Michael on Sat nite... he said tt my nicks are all weird... 1st was a jap nick... now it's so sentimental tt ppl who dunno me will think tt I've gt some kinda rlsp prob... I'm like ok... I AM having rlsp probs... so... it directly implies tt he doesn't know me v well... haha... nvm...


So I went out with Di today... with Joven, Brenda n Cheryl... went to Hougang Plaza to have Suki Sushi... I ate TOO much... I almost vomitted everything out... Thankfully I didn't... Else I would have wasted my money paying... Nt cheap... bt cheaper than Sakae...


Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea

whatsoever? Or fell for you're best friend in the entire world, and

then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else?


Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of

rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are

afraid.... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will

think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time

we tell a lie...the thing we fear grows stronger.


Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when

they are right beside you and yet you can never have them...when the

moment you can't feel them under your fingertips you miss them?


Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and

wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess

the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be

afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break

your heart ... but if you don't, you might break theirs.


Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so

afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart

decides who it likes and who it doesn't. You can't tell your heart

what to do. It does it on its own... when you least suspect it, or

even when you don't want it to.


Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but

that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay

walled because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that

the other person does not care as much, or that all Life is all

about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has

to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have had.


No one waits forever...


When the tears just won't


Stop falling down*


I'll be there*


So you see I'll be there until the end*


This is a promise I can make*


If you ever need me*


Just give me a call and.*


I'll be there...* (Taken frm email)

I'm finally able to login! Aft so long! I think blogger was renovating or smtg... tt's y I can't login to my blog... Now tt I am finally able to login, my dad is asking me to log off the net cos I've gotta go to church later... Ok... see ya later... bye

I've FINALLY finished my prelims today. YAY!!!


I've been slacking for the whole day... n I can tell u tt it feels great... I've nt felt so relaxed... ;)


I've been trying to impersonate a pig as my slacking module bt I think I failed... cos I couldn't really slp... I mean tt I'm lying down with my eyes shut bt I keep thinking... n I can't stop myself frm thinking...


Thinking... everyday, every hour, every minute, every secondm even down to every milisecond! I juz can't stop myself frm thinking! I'm tired... v tired... altho I've tried to clear my thots b4 I go to slp, I still think... I've been thinking too much... frm the time I wake up till the time I slp... even when I'm asleep I keep thinking... I wanna stop... I dun wanna think... bt I can't help it... I really can't...


Dear's out with Darren... watching movie over at amk... the Tale of 2 sis... I dunno how I should be feeling now... I'm nt jealous... I really am nt... bt I feel tt I have smtg against Darren... dunno what... dunno y... dun wanna care... dun wanna think...

I had my A Maths n SS papers today... tmr will be the last papers... aft tt will be chi n pract. then no more till O lvls... or so I hope... I didn't know tt prelims could be so tiring... I'm so drained tt I dunno what to do now... I'm juz so tired... I wanna slp... bt the prob is tt I can't slp well... I haven't been able to slp well... I've been like this for the past coming to 2 mths... I'm so tired... physically, mentally n emotionally... I'm totally sapped of energy... I feel horrible...


I dunno... I feel tt I've nth much else to write... in the past, I could write abt my thots n feelings... now... I can't even define what my feelings r... cos I dun really feel anything now...


This story is a reflection on our lives...


Many of us live for the expectations of our parents, teachers and
friends when we were young. We seldom get to do the things that we
really like or love. It is under so much pressure and stress that
by our early 20s, we get tired and decide to dump this load....and
enjoy life. Being free of the stress and pressure, we work
enthusiastically and dream ambitious dreams.


But by the time we reach our 40s, we start to lose our vision and
along with that, our dreams and goal in life. We began to feel
unsatisfied and start to complain and criticize. We live life in
misery as we are never satisfied.


Reaching 60, we realize that we have little time left for
complaining and we began to walk the final episode in peace and
calmness. We think that there is nothing left that could disappoint
us, only to realize that we cannot rest in peace because we have an
unfulfilled dream.....a dream we abandoned about 60 plus years
ago......


So what is your dream? ......Keep them alive....Follow your dreams
so that you will not live with regrets ......and you will have
stories to share with your loved ones.


"Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what wld
shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wldn't
fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all,seasons
change. So do cities. Pple come into ur life and pple go. But it's
comforting to know the ones u love are always in ur heart. And if
u're very lucky, a plane ride away..." - (taken frm email)


Yeah... I've changed... my style of writing has also changed... I'm nt using my heart to write... cos feeling is as alien a word as love... logic n pessimism is closer to me... the same as pain, sorrow n agony...


What do u know? If I were to say tt I suck, do u think ppl will believe me? I think they would... I really think they will... I was once again irritated by Kenneth... he wanted to cut my hair... idiot... who does he think he is?!? Said tt my hair's irritating him... hello, for gdness sake, the hair's growing on MY head, nt his!!! What gives him the rite to cut my hair away??? Idiot... pig...


God... help me to go thru this... help me... help me to help myself... I dunno how I can... bt pls... help me...

Today was physics prelim... atrocious... I didn't know how to do many qns...


I went out late on mon nite. Yah... I was supposed to be home... yet I went out... cos I was lonely... I didn't wanna go home for some reason... n no one was there to accompany me... So I gt a little mad n went down to Yishun... thankfully, EH went down n accompanied me. We went to a rather secluded plc deep in Yishun... n I saw stars! U might wonder what in the world is so significant abt stars... well... they juz are... n I saw a shooting star... v nice... :) The plc faced a 'sea'... I think it's a reservoir if I've nt mistaken... I reached home @ abt 10.30pm...


Yest was Hist paper. I guess I'm getting real drained out... it's like I can even feel like dozing off while doing a paper! I almost did tt today! During my Physics paper! What's more, tmr is my A maths paper... die... dunno how to do... n I'll oso be having SS paper tmr... so tt kinda explains y I haven't been updating my blog... hehe... getting more bz... so my blog has to be "chucked" aside till I've the time to write... I dunno what else to write... now I'm like so bz with nth else bt sch n prelims... everything seems to revolve only ard here... prelims... prelims... prelims... ARGH!!! I'm nt the only one who's going berserk rite? I guess everyone is getting a little mad... cos of prelims and what other stuff tt's happening...


I'm starting to go crazy... n a little weird... I'm starting to have "withdrawal" symptoms... yah... withdrawal frm guys... interesting huh... I dunno... I feel more n more detached frm them... somehow I dun feel anymore... hm... tt's bad... real bad... muz do smtg to stimulate my feelings... bt then again, it might be a gd thing nt to stimulate them... juz let them remain the way they r... let God do the rest... My mum was telling me yest, when u're a wife... u muz know ur priorities... muz submit to ur husband... then I stood up n said... Mummy, no pt telling me now... I'm nt going to get married... yes... I know... loneliness n all... then I muttered to myself (bt I know tt loneliness won't be as bad as hurt)... I'll think abt it as n when I get married (if I'm even going to get another bf tt is)... Whatever it is, the main priority now is to study... give my best in my academics... leave my future into God's hands... He'll do the planning for me... I know tt He'll choose the best way for me...