Politics..
totally SUCKS..

I dunno if knowing the committee is a gd thin..
or if it's bad..
cos there seems to be advantages
and disadvantages..

Well..
there're 2 sides to a coin..
likewise..
2 sides to any situation..

I dunno what's going on..
bt..
yah..
Leave it in God's hands..

Today.. was a horrible day..

1stly..
I had to reach expo at 7 for sm briefing..
which..
didn't happen..

Then..
gotta wait 1/2 hr for amanda to come back to "teach" us how to set up the coffee dispenser cos she became an "expert" at it aft working at it for 1/2 hr..
Shu Min n I gt it up n working within 5 mins..

Later..
she gt the few of us to set aside 1,500 bottles of water..
which we had to carry on to the trolley..
n bring to the expo hall..
b4 unpacking it..
n lining them up on the table..
to give out to the speakers n delegates..

We had brunch..
then went to help up at the luncheon area..

Like SO BZ..
we're nt paid..
so we're literally treated as free labour...

ARGH..
what in the world..

Went to sch today..

Went for dinner..

Came home..

Sounds boring huh..

Talked to Xing today...

Kinda touched on the topic of him..
he said tt I'm still falling..
well..
I'm trying..
he said tt I'm trying to make him great when he's putting me down..
tt ppl r tired of listening to me talk abt him..
bt they're still ard..

Thx for sticking up for me when Colinn started criticising me cos of y I'm still like tt..
U've no idea how much it means to me..
Really..
Thx a lot..

Dar..
I'm sorry I couldn't acc u today..
In the end..
I didn't really eat much there too..
was worried for u..
I'm really sorry..

For today's sermon.. we had Ptr Thomas Chong preaching.. He's a ptr frm some other church..

He preached abt Hannah's plight.. and drew some applications frm it..

God's answers to BIG probs might come in small ways..

So true..

He oso quoted frm 1 Cor 10:13.. The verse which I quoted to Gladys..
"There hath no temptation taken us but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

Today..
I found out a new phenomenon..
In the train..
it's the older ppl tt rush to snatch the seats instead of the younger ones..
Interesting..
Haha..

The briefing..
was totally LAME..
waste of time..

Gotta go down to expo on tue n wed..
Tue - 0730 - 1800
Wed - 1300 - 1800

So I'm like "booked" for those 2 days..

Watched "Over the Hedge" today..
Nice.. :)

Being jealous means tt u're concerned abt tt person?
Means tt u're immature?

It means different things I guess..

I know u're jealous..
Ok..
All of u are jealous in one way or another I guess..
yah..
bt I dun belong to either of u..
so..
u all will prob get v tired of being jealous..
I wun get into another rlsp so soon..
Tt..
I know..

Dar's back!
Thank God..
Dar..
Hope u're feeling better..

U sound like me in someways..
or I sound like u..
whatever..
we juz influenced each other when we were..
now it's her..

Dar.. U're the only one.. who understands me the way u do.. I dunno what I can do w/o u..

All along..
u've been there for me all along..
Ever since I knew u..
6 yrs back..

U've been thru my every break up..
my highs..
n lows..

U're the most impt person to me..

My sis..
My encouragement..
U always looked out for me..
took care of me..
helped me in ways I didn't know..
supported me..
sacrificed a lot for me..

I know u love me..
Dar..
I love u too..

Gal..
Dun juz keep telling me nth..
I know there're a thousand n one things going thru ur mind..

I know how it is to shut urself up..
to shut ppl out..
to keep urself inside..
juz cos it apparently feels "safer"..

I know..
been there..
done tt..

Was abt to go there again..
then so many things happened..
so I gotta force myself out..

I'm here..
I can help u..
only if u allow me to..

All I can do now is to throw in the rope..
offer the hand..
n hope n pray tt u'll grab on to it..

I can walk this road with u..

Dar..
u too..
dun keep me out..
I know u're tired..
I juz want u to know..
I'll always be here for u..

Love u..

Gt this...
Totally love it..

K N O W L E D G E = 96 %
H A R D W O R K = 98 %

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100 %
It is our attitude and not aptitude that determines our altitude in life.
True isn't it ?

I dunno how much longer I can carry on like tt..

Carry on..
Be strong..
Cannot fall..
Cannot cry..
Be a strong support..

I NEED ppl to need me..
No..
I dun function well with want..

Dar..
I know how impt he is to u..
I know how much u want her to be a part of ur life..
I've been reading ur blog..
I know how much they mean to u..
how u yearn to be there for the both of them..

I dunno if I'll allow myself to fall..
I dun think I'll let myself crack..
I'm stronger than I seem..
I've gotta continue like tt..

God will give me strength..
He'll help me..
I know He will..

N I'll be there for u..
for as long as u need me..
I love u..

Went to Gong Gong, Popo's plc today..
Haven't seen them in a LONG time.. miss them a lot..

Went for supper aft tt..

N tt kinda sums up my day..

Haha..

Actually didn't wanna go out cos I was quite tired..
bt gt dragged outta the house..
so...
yah..

Haha..

For the 1st time in my life.. I finished a report in 2 1/2 hrs.. ok.. credit given to wendy for her info.. n asri for helping..

At least it's only a 2 pg report..

I'm like so tired now..

Today's Grace's bday! Guess what I gave her?

A bouquet of roses! 11 white 1 red.. :)
She was so shocked.. cos it's quite a big bouquet.. n she had to walk ard with it.. Haha!!!
At least she liked it..

I'm glad she's happy.. at least I brought happiness to someone..

Dar.. I'll wait for u to come back..
Love u..

Did a quiz.. n here are the results...

You cry because you have had your heart broken by someone you loved. This has made you vow not to be hurt like that ever again and you have become distant so that it never will. Because of this you feel sad and lonely. You cry tears of emptyness. You dream of being loved and cared for. To find someone who will take the pain away, to understand you. But it can't happen if your scared of being hurt.
Take this quiz!

I was v upset today.. really upset..

I dunno y I'm so affected..

U gave me attitude..
I returned the act..

Ok..
Maybe I was the immature one..
I was the one who didn't say anything..
I like to keep things in..
so u dunno anything..

U're jealous..
I cant ask u nt to be..
bt can only tell u dun think so much..

Dun be so close to me..
then there wun be so many problems..

Dinner today was great..
had NZ rib eye steak at amk's Jack's Place with dar..
has american cheese cake for dessert..

Even if u cant see..
even if u cant rmb me..
whatever happens to u..
I'll still be by ur side..
Promise..

I dunno y..

Talking to Xing on msn now..
abt him..
n me..
then was telling him abt how he asked my dad for permission to be with me n all..
said abt how serious we WERE..
tt we did plan of getting married n all..
bt tt's nt how it ended..

When I was talking abt this..
Tears welled up..
n juz flowed freely..

I dunno y..
maybe it was cos of the song..
Unbelievable by Craig David..
maybe it's cos of the topic..
maybe it's cos I was alr feeling upset today..
maybe I juz needed to let it out..

I dunno..

U no longer feel hurt when I cry..
do u?
U prob wun bother too..
Cos in ur eyes..
there's only her..
n no one else..

Nvm..
it's ok..
I'm alr used to it..

Juz let me continue building..
I'll be fine..
n this is the way I remain strong..

Dance was great.. learnt new steps..

The thing abt dance is..
I can submerge myself into a world where there isn't any stress..
cos when I dance..
the only thing tt I hear is the music..
the only thing tt moves is me..
my mind only on the steps..

I LOVE DANCE!

It's a passion..

Thx for joining cos I wanted to..
now u're throwing me there..
bt.. nvm..
u are free to join other ccas..
it's ur life anyway..

u know tt it's so hard alr..
I dun wanna make it any worst..

Pls...
I really dun wanna hurt u..
n I oso dun wanna get hurt..

Did the colour test again.. n.. guess what.. the ans are totally DIFFERENT..

At this time you are feeling 'uptight' and you are urgently in need of rest and relaxation; but perhaps even more than that you need to overcome that feeling that you have been 'hard done by' and treated with a complete lack of consideration. Maybe you have, but whatever may have been the cause of your inherent anxiety, you regard the situation as intolerable. Your are, however, sufficiently competent to turn that situation around - you have overcome similar problems in the past, and really this one isn't too different.

You are looking for something different. Your imagination has been working overtime and you are seeking adventure - and you'd like to share that adventure, the new experience, with someone like yourself: Imaginative, Enthusiastic and Sensitive.

At times all of us would like to be like the ostrich - to be able to bury our heads in the sand and let the rest of the world go by, but unfortunately you can't do just that - you have to face up to reality. A little peace and quiet would be most acceptable at this time but if only one could turn a blind eye to the problems of the day! Tomorrow is another day and who knows, it could be 'today' (not tomorrow) that could be the first day of the rest of your life!

You are presently experiencing excessive stress as a result of self-restraint. You act and think differently from the common herd and you want to be liked and admired for yourself and to associate with people who feel and act as you do. Because of this need to be self-reliant and to break away from mediocrity, you are finding this situation most uncomfortable and you are experiencing considerable anxiety - perhaps even more than you feel the capacity to cope with. You need to find a 'soul mate', someone whose standards are as high as your own - but where? Keep on searching... The situation is uncomfortable and you would like to break away from it, but you refuse to compromise with your opinions. You are unable to resolve the situation because you are continually postponing the making of necessary decisions. You are stubborn but this is no deterrent to a happy life, so why drop your standards. Think positively, everything will work out. It has worked out successfully for you in the past and it will again in the future.

The tensions and stresses that you have experienced of late have been the result of trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond your capabilities. You feel completely inadequate to cope with the situation and you would like nothing better to escape from it all and to be able to relax in a problem and pressure free environment where you can do your thing.

Well... maybe this is how I'm feeling now...

Today's the 2nd mth for the both of u..

I dun even know y I'm rmbing the dates.. bt..
yah..
Happy 2nd mth anniversary to the both of u..

May u 2 remain happy always..

Ppl r nv simple..

Usually..
when ppl r jealous..
or when they cant get what they want..
they'll end up poisoning the ppl ard u..

Else..
they'll insult u..
make ur frenz turn against u..

What should u do?
Dun think so much..

If ur frenz r true frenz..
they'll stand by u..
n nt for the rumors..

n u..
I really dunno what to say..
juz.. dun.. be like this..

It'd be gd if we could keep a distance..
everyone's talking abt it..
I dun want it to affect u..

U know the probs..
I know u're stubborn..
U know I'm stubborn too..
U know the implications..

Although I keep telling u nt to think so much..
I know tt u're still thinking..
I trust tt u know what to do..
nt to make things worst..

~let ur mind go.. set ur mind free.. dun let shit block your magical way.. dun let shit conquer ur life..it's not gone away..~ (thx xing)

Listening to FOC Radio now.. real nice.. :) Prob cos it's "home-made".. haha..

Didn't do much today..
Thot of a lot of things..

ni zhen de hen hao..
wo xi wang ni neng zhao duo yi ge..
yin wei wo zhen de bu shi he ni..

N u might nt understand whatever's written..
bt u should know..

Today's been some day..
Did a lot of thinking..

Dedicated a song!
So Sick by Ne-Yo..
My current favourite.. haha..

So Sick - Ne Yo

Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah

Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore
(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just
(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this
(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be

That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?

(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone
(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio

Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)

And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin' you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?
(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?

Instructions: Go to your music player of choice and put it on shuffle. Say the following questions aloud, and press play. Use the song title as the answer to the question. NO CHEATING.


How does the world see me? Gareth Gates - Too Serious Too Soon
Well.. Maybe..
Will I have a happy life? McFly - Obviously
Yay!!!! :)
What do my friends really think of me? Stephanie Sun - Yu Jian
Hmmm???
Do people secretly lust after me? Chen Wei Lian - Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin
Rite.....
How can I make myself happy? Il Divo - The Man You Love
Ok... is tt a hint?
What should I do with my life? Westlife - If Your Heart's Not In It
Yah.. and???
Will I ever have children? Train - Drops of Jupiter
No link!!!
What is some good advice for me? Jay Zhou - Jian Dan Ai
Um... to love simply?
What is my signature dancing song? Lin Jun Jie - Dou Jiang You Tiao
You can hardly even dance to it!!!
What do I think my current theme song is? Jacky Cheung - Wo Zhen De Shou Shang Le
Quite true..
What does everyone else think my current theme song is? Dana Glover - It is You (I have love)
In some way I guess..
What song will play at my funeral? Trademark - Only Love
This is like a wrong type of sad song...
What type of men/women do I like? Stephanie Sun - Yu Jian
Maybe.. meet ppl.. haha
What is my day going to be like? Corrinne May - Let it Go
of the day? haha..

Weird answers.. bt.. haha.. it's juz smtg I decided to do cos I'm bored..

Cheryl.. congrats.. cherish him.. n I hope he'll tc of u.. :)

Gladys.. try nt to think so much.. I know it's hard.. bt it's also been so long ago.. If I can do it.. u can do it too.. I have faith tt u can do it..

Dar.. I'll always be here for u.. even if he doesn't care for u.. I still will.. u're nv alone..
I'm sorry if I neglect u in anyway.. I'll try to spend more time with u..

As for u..
I really dunno what to do with u..

Trust my heart?
Trust my mind?
Nah...
Trust in God..

At Cheng Yan's plc now.. nope.. nt slping yet..

The bunch of them are talking outside.. Greg, Zhi Kai, Yin Xue, QQ, Daniel, Eileen, Cheng Yan n Hannah..
Dar's resting..

I know tt it's hard for u to rest..
I know it's def much ezier to say than to do..
U can tell me to move on..
bt when it comes to applying it to ur life..
it's def nt so ez..
Tt's y..
talk is cheap..

Although they say tt there's a limit to what a person can do..
I'm trying to push myself beyond tt limit..
cos if u put a limit there..
u'll always hit it..

Saw him at the atrium yest..
he walked over..
put his bag n stuff down in front of me n asked us (gladys, dar n I) to look aft his things for a while..
then he walked off..
when he came back.. I was alone at the table..
He juz took his things n left..
walking over to the original table he was sitting at..
then she came..
n the both of them were lovey-dovey..
Gd for them..
at least they are happy..

I often feel tt I'm alone..
bt tt feeling makes me stronger..

Maybe it'll cause me to become a little more cold..
prob push me back to where I began..

U know what u want..
u juz dunno how to phrase it to me..
u're afraid of losing me..
u do nt express ur feelings to me in the face bt indirectly..
u're acting as though u dun care..
bt if u really dun..
u wun act this way..
n u know what I'll say..
u know what I'll ask..

I really dunno what else I can do..
dunno what else I can say..

I'm going thru things tt many ppl dun..
she's going thru a lot of things too..
n if I have the choice..
I would rather nt let anyone go thru whatever I am..

Today..
I felt as though I've let go of him.. for once.. I didn't think of him.. my mind didn't cloud with thoughts of him or what happened..
I didn't cry.. or feel like crying cos of him..
Even songs tt used to bring tears to my eyes dun have tt effect on me anymore..

Maybe it's because of what my friend told me..

N I too know..
it's time to let go..

For one..
I do nt have the time for this..
No pt holding on to smtg like this..
Love means letting him go..
Means letting him have his happiness..
knowing tt I'm no longer part of his life..
bt yet be happy for him..
N tt..
I'm able to do..

I cant cry for him anymore..
n I wun do it anymore..

Aft tt day..
everything is history..
History = Past tense..

I thank God for u in my life..
u taught me things..
bt what I really learnt..
wasn't taught in the course of our rlsp together..
it was more of the break-up n healing process..

The reason y I'm nt going into another rlsp..
isn't cos there's no one aft me..
I admit tt part of the reason WAS bcos of u..
bt no longer..

My reason now..
I want to take my time..
wait for God to show me..
n nt rush into another rlsp..

Being single..
is gd..
I'm into dance now..
I've gt more time..
I'm capable of spreading my love to more ppl..

N I'm seriously considering on remaining this way..
cos there're so many more things u can do when u're single as compared to when u're attached or married (in future)..

Living life as a single isn't all tt bad..

The loneliness might creep in..
bt as long as u know how to handle..
it's ok..

Well..
at least for now..
I've gt no time for a rlsp..

What if u suddenly found out tt ur whole life's incomplete..
tt ppl u've known ur whole life have hidden some extremely impt details frm u..

What if u suddenly found the missing piece in ur life..
only to find out tt u can no longer have it?

What if u lost a part of u..
a half tt u didn't know existed?

How would u feel?

I cant say tt I can identify with it.. cos till date.. I've nt been thru this..

U asked..
Y are gd things always singular..
bt when bad things happen..
it seems tt they always come together..

I know..
it always seems tt way doesn't it..
n tt's the exact way tt I'm feeling..

The only verse I could think of was Romans 8:28..
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose."
N this is the verse I used (and am still using) to comfort myself in all tt's happening..

I know tt reading n rmbing is different to understanding and applying..

At least.. this is a verse tt I've read n rmbed.. and understand and apply..

U will nv be alone.. God is always by ur side..
True..
Although many times it seems tt u're physically alone..
and u prob really are..
God is still ard..

Thank u for being here for me all along..
God.. thank U for putting tt person in my life..
u've done enough..
now it's my turn..

n u..
thx for what u've said..
although I might nt accept it..
it's the thot tt counts..
Thank you..

I thank God for all of u..
for putting u guys in my life..
n I know..
tt w/o the break-up..
I'd NV appreciate u guys as much as I do now..
cos I'd nv be close to many of u..
(No.. the word NV here.. is nt a distortion.. it's a fact..)

Tt's y..
even though the break-up is painful..
the healing process excruciating..
it's gd..
cos I gt to know frenz like Cheryl n Gladys..
Jeremy, Han Xiang, Guan, Jonathan..
Jolene, Evangeline..
n gt to know Asri better..

I became stronger in the process..
so tt I'm now able to withstand all tt's happening..

N no..
I didn't cry..

I wun break-down..
esp now..
cos it's now tt u need me the most..

I LOVE U

~ Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. - John 14: 27 ~

I thought of the craziest thing to do today..

I wanted to buy a bouquet of 6 blue roses for u..

Yes.. I know..
U'll feel awkward receiving flowers..
juz like on V day when I gave u tt bouquet of flowers..

I wanted to give u blue roses cos of the special meaning it has for me.. n the meaning of the colour too.. Blue roses stand for fantasies, hoping for miracles, new opportunities and possibilities.

The no. stands for smtg else too.. 6 roses stands for "I miss you"..
Was considering 18.. cos it means "I'm sorry"..

Bt..
Grace's rite..
u've alr moved on..
are alr with someone else..
and are happy with her..
giving u smtg like this..
wun do anyone any gd..

So what if I get my intention known?
will it be appreciated?

I dun really care abt all those now..

I think..
tt u'll either be upset..
or frustrated..
n she..
will def be jealous..

What's the pt then..
causing all this pain to others..
when I said tt I'd be the one to take it all..

So..
I wun do it..
If u read this..
my intentions r alr indirectly made known to u..

N I know what u'd do..
nth..
cos..
u love her..
u wun wanna hurt her..
n..
there's nth left of us for u to hold on to..

It's been a yr..

a yr ago..
it was the beginning..

a yr later..
I'll go back to where it all started..
sit there..
reminsce..

n I know..
it'll only be me..

Alone..

Today's lessons were ok.. tt's abt all I can say..

Went to the library to do my tutorial n help guan with his proj..

Was talking to Gladys n the way down the stairs.. said tt I wun see him tmr cos I only have lessons for 2 hrs.. n his lessons start later than mine..
Once I finished saying tt.. I saw him walk past the atrium.. n Gladys commented tt she didnt know if I was "fortunate" or nt to be able to see him like tt..

I dunno either..

Tmr is an impt day.. it's a date tt I'll nv forget..
A day I'll always keep in my heart..

I alr know where I'll be..
what I'll do..
maybe u know too..
bt I know u wun be there..
doing the same thing as me..

I'm sorry..
I still love u..

I've been..
n will be emo for the next few days..

Dunno what else I'll do..
Dunno what else I can do..

Dar..
I love u..
u promised tt u'll nv leave me..
pls dun..

I finally understood what loneliness means to me..

It means having many frenz..
bt nt one is free..
either cos they're on the other side of sg..
they're lost somewhere..
or they're bz..

Nt tt I blame them..
they've gt a life to live..
N I could have done other things..
could have stayed in the office n juz rotted..
or found smtg better to do..

I know u all are there for me morally..
sometimes..
it's the presence tt muz be felt..

I understand what u 2 were going thru tt time..
I'm sorry for neglecting u 2..

Dar.. I'll spend more time with u..
pls dun block me out..

N..
as for u..
maybe u dun want me to do anything else bt leave u alone..
bt if God permits..
I would really like to make it up to u..

To be or nt to be..
To do or nt to do..

Tt's the qns..

N I've gotta ans it myself..

Sometimes I juz DREAD making decisions..

I took this frm Charlene's blog..

Found it true and applicable.. so I decided to take it..

When was the last night you cried?

Or rather, when was the last time you:

-teared?
-weeped?
-sobbed?
and
-broke down till you shook with sadness?

And does it really take the occasional tears to remind us of how precious happiness is?

Unlike happiness however, you don't get used to crying.

So many times, we take happiness, laughter and smiles for granted.
That we don't reflect on how significant they are.
They come, they go, and we let them fade away.

And yet,
with tears, we remember the pain, and the reasons we cry.
And each time hurts as bad as the previous.

The next time you cry,
take a minute to bask in that moment.
I know it sounds weird,
but doesn't the saying go that only the strongest dare to cry?

So true isn't it..?

I saw u thrice today..
This morning at can 1..
Aft sch at the atrium when u walked past me..
When I was looking down frm the library n saw u walking to the atrium frm can 1..

Was feeling quite upset..
I dunno y..

On the bus to Bishan..
I cried the whole way..

wo shi zong bai tuo bu liao ni..
hai huo zai yin ying xia..

Upset..
bt still hanging on..

Will get thru it..
somehow..

On the way to sch today.. I thot..
"He should be on the next bus to sch or smtg..."
Little did I know.. he was alr in sch.. cos when I reached.. he was sitting at the table.. n had alr finished his breakfast..

Weird how I always see him nowadays..
I can rmb tt in the past..
We always had to plan to meet up..
and happened only once or twice tt we didn't have to plan..
bt now..
I seem to see him a lot..

Makes me miss him alot more than I alr do..

Today's lessons were ok..
HR bonding day was..
lame..
bt alrite overall..

Came up with a saying tt I told Laura tt day..
"In the end.. pain is the emotion tt I identify with the most.. cos the rest can be forgotten.. or fade away.. bt the more u feel pain.. the more u rmb.. n even when u try nt to think.. it can slowly creep behind ur back n take u by surprise.. choking u.."

I hope I still can feel it..
it seems to be the only prove tt I still feel..

N strength..
isn't juz to go thru shit..
take everything in..
n appear happy to the rest of the world..

It is to trust..
tt no matter how much more shit u have to take..
u can still take it..
n be a strong support to others who need u..

It is to believe..
tt God will nv leave u alone like this..
fending for urself..
cos He'll always be there..

It is a constant prayer..
tt He'll lead u all the way..
till the day u die..

The past few days have been.. ok.. I guess..

Went to ECP yest.. juz sat at the rock n stared out into the sea..
Feels so peaceful..
So nice..
So away frm everything..

Sometimes..
we should juz take our minds off everything..
enjoy creation..
relax..
rejuvenate..

It is..
in a form of it's own..
a way to escape frm everything tt's happening..

Maybe tt's y I love the sea..
the mountains..
the countryside..

Cos..
to me..
it's a way to escape..

I read gladys' blog.. n found this...
decided to repost this in mine..

Well i've learnt my lessons..
realize that the girl holding onto u..
is PERFECT in their own special way.

The way she laughs..
The way she sleeps..
The way she loves you..
The way she tries to please you...

Always remember that.
She can always walk away and up,
getting someone else who can love her more.

For all you know,
there is someone out there wooing her already,
but she is rejecting,
a maybe perfect love for her..

There might also be someone out there..
who is willing to love her more than you are loving her now,
fufill her every need and love her as much as she loves you.

Understand that.
Girls have a huge guilty concience....
imagine this, guys.
When you are holding her today...
and then you cheat on her by hugging and kissing another gal.
and then you run back to her...
and u do the same....
but you see love in her eyes...
What do you think?
Do you feel the hurt?
Can you feel the guilt?

She loves you not because you are good looking,
have money,
buy her things,
make her parents happy,
or that you have a car.

She loves you for who you are.
Your every touch,
every word you say,
everythingyou do.

Guys...
Cherish and appreciate your girl..
Don't break her fragile heart..
She is the only one who can love you that way..
You won't wanna regret letting go of that special girl you have..

For everything she has done for you,
the least you can do is to give her unconditional love as she has given to you.

I..
would like to thank u for loving me the way u did..
without complain..
although we did quarrel..
n nt end on a v nice note..
I love u for who u are..
In the past..
n I still do now..
I love u..
all of u..
bt to let u be happy..
I'll keep memories locked up..
n let them remain as memories..

~The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us; just as the same of a sunhouse does not attract the sun because it is bright, but becomes bright because the sun shines on it. - C.S. Lewis~

It's been pouring the past 2 days.. I dunno y.. bt maybe it's God's way of helping me.. cos I cant cry.. so the rain helps me..

Although it makes me think A LOT.. I prob wun be able to let go of a lot of stored up feelings if nt for the rain..

Thank you God..
U understand me the best..

I've gt ppl telling me to forget u..

I heard frm someone tt u actually talk bad abt me..

Nvm.. whatever u wanna do.. is up to u..
U can scold me for all u like..
U dun gain anything frm it either..
I only treat whatever negative things they say abt u as passing remarks..

N I'm nt backstabbing u..
I've been practicing positive propaganda..
Nt tt u really care..

It's ok..
I'll nt return evil with evil..

I dun have tt much time to care so much abt other stuff too..

Dar.. I love u.. I'll nt leave u.. promise..

N I'll remain strong.. juz for u.. n for all tt are looking to me for support..
I may nt be superwoman..
bt I'll have enough energy for u all..

No matter what happens..
wheel-bound or bed-ridden..
I'll still be there..

God will be my pillar of hope.. energy n support..

U know how I feel..
all along.. it was only him n u..
now.. he's gone..
there's only u..

U asked me..
how I'm going to live w/o u..
I..
dunno..
Really dun..
I juz hafta live life..
one day at a time..

I'm nt a goddess.. Dun make me seem like one..

It's nt ez for me to handle so many things at one go.. n still remain calm n composed.. dun ask for more than tt..

I know u all want me to be happy.. to remain strong..
I'm trying.. dun push me..

I know U want me to acc her..
I'm trying too..

Dun keep forcing me! I'm am still human aft all.. there's a limit to what one can take.. esp when there's no one to share the load with..

I can juz take everything in.. n nt let it come out..
bt I'll prob break down in the end..

N everyone seem to be leaving me..

God..
U're the only one who's still here..
Pls..
help me..

No.. I'm nt at home..

Yest wasn't exactly the best day.. found out smtg tt affected me A LOT..

Dar.. I'm so sorry for nt spending much time with u.. I'll try harder..

When I saw u n him talking at the bus stop.. It pains my heart.. he's alr no longer by my side.. n u.. r leaving me for another plc..
The love of my life.. n the companion n best fren of my life.. together.. at the bus stop.. could actually be a heart-warming sight.. bt.. to me.. it was a heart-rending sight..

Dar n I went for dinner at amk Jubilee's bubble tea house.. Nat n Guan Zhi came down.. then she went home..

Dar asked me to recite Psalms 23 to her..
Nt tt I cant rmb it by heart.. juz tt the thot of it.. send tears to my eyes.. choking back the words..
then she requested for this particular verse to be repeated over n over again..
"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."

He said tt it's different to read n rmb.. different to understand.. different to practice..
I know tt it's different..
He said tt there's a path tt everyone muz take.. n this is one tt she has to take on her own..
I know tt there's a path.. it's juz hard to accept..

And what else can I do..
bt to hope..
pray..
try to be happy..
take care of myself..
think for myself..
and most imptly..
TRUST in God..

U start ignoring me..

I know..
I've hurt u badly by saying what I did..
Although I didn't say it directly to u..
Bt used MSN.. n wrote it here..
I know it still hurts..
I'm sorry..

I know it's too direct..
I'm sorry..
I juz dun want u to waste anymore time n effort on me..
I know u've been waiting for sometime alr..
Juz dun want u to keep waiting for nth..

I know u're sweet n all..
I know it hurts doubly to know tt u remind me of him..

I'm so sorry..

I know I cant lessen ur pain in anyway..
Juz pray tt God will ease the pain..

I sat outside the dance room with Gladys n cried..
I thot of him all along..
of the things he did..
n said..
of everything's tt's happened..
n is happening..
It juz tears me apart..

N u 2 will brave thru it together.. nv give up..
Rite..
Ok..

N I'll walk this path alone..
whether there's anyone by me or nt..

N I really need u by my side..
she's forgotten everything again..
n once again..
I'm a stranger in her life..
U were there with me.. for me..
the last time..
Now.. u're no longer here..

I muz be strong..
Muz hold on..
Muz move on..

It's hard..
n all I need is u by my side..
bt u're nt..
n will nt be..

God..
Help me..
I'm weak..
I'm bt mortal..
and only one..
I have limited strength..
fading hope..
lasting pain..
increasing agony..
Help me deal with it..

I would think tt there's smtg wrong with me..

Too long nv slp well.. accompanied with the fact tt I didn't slp for a few days.. now cannot wake up..
Sat at the dining table for dinner alone.. memories of diana n him sitting at the table with me came to my mind..
Tt nite.. we had steak.. mashed potato.. baked beans..
The setting is still so clear.. the feeling so strong.. the memory so vivid..

Tt's prob y I say tt I'd nv forget..
cos everything juz reminds me..
It doesn't make it impossible..
Juz makes it harder..

N I wun try harder..
cos if I do..
I'll think more..

Went to church for evening service.. b4 heading to town with Nat to meet Diana..

We went to Suki Sushi for dinner.. n we were STUFFED.. almost died eating.. was SOOO full..

B4 leaving.. I had a conversation...

I'm sorry..
Yes.. I may nt understand y u choose to do this..
to me..
I think tt it's a choice..
U chose to do it..
cos u wanna do it..
Yet..
u're telling me tt u need to do it..

I know u dun wanna give up..
I cant force u too either..

Juz..
Keep ur distance frm me..
Trust me..
it'd do the both of us gd..

I'm too popular in sch for ur gd..
if things carry on like this..
we'll prob be infamous..

Dun wanna ruin 3 yrs of ur poly life like tt..

Take it tt I'm selfish..
tt I'm juz plain dumb..
tt I dun wanna forget him..
tt I would rather hang on to memories than to choose a new path..

And I know..
tt even if I do choose a new path..
it'd nv be one with u..

Sorry..

Went for dnd last nite..

Aft tt went for supper with wedgy, jeremy, han xiang, esmond, danny, hogen, russell then gladys n guan came to join us.. danny went home n the bunch of us went to cine to catch MI3..

Walked to esplanade although I was wearing heels.. wanted to catch sunrise bt it started raining.. reached home at 7am.. slpt till 8+ pm.. the effects of nt slping for coming to 3 nitez..

DnD was ok.. emo songs were played.. I cried.. cos I thot of him.. throughout the whole nite.. and the things tt happened..

I'm sorry..
I cant accept it..
I dun want u to waste ur time on me..
No pt..
U've alr wasted enough..
There're many other gals out there..
Better ones..
N u know it's nt possible..
I dunno y u wanna try..
I still have feelings for him..
even if u give me a lot of time..
I still dun think I'll be able to do it..

Sorry..

U're really a v nice person..
It'd be gd if u can do it to someone else..
She'll really feel loved..

I on the other hand..
will be fine like tt..

Now in SU.. ALONE..

Yah.. will be staying in SU tonight.. cos gotta do the DND decor..

Yeah.. Alone..
Seems to be a word I identify with A LOT more recently..
Even among a crowd.. I can block out ppl alr..

Soon..
and everything will be complete..

I..
dunno what I'm doing..
bt no..
I'll nt be with u..
for many reasons tt u should know..

Even if I move on..
I wun be able to forget him..
or the things done..
the memories..

Even if u give me loads of time..
I still cant..

I'm sorry..

Uncle Kian Lye's lecture today seem to be like directing to me..

Change of intention.. behaviour is nt intention...

Like.. I'm jealous.. my intention is juz for him to care more abt me.. bt my behaviour.. as in the way I do things.. is to be emo..

I.. am an escapist.. I do nt like to face prob.. so when they come.. esp emotional ones.. I tend to run.. or escape..
Then.. I have to change my intention.. gotta be a little more confrontanalist..

~ There is no failure, only feedback ~

So.. whatever happens is nt a failure.. bt a learning experience..

I love MQE!!! :)

How to stop myself frm hurting..

If tt's the only way..
Should I take it?

She loves u.. n u love her..
Maybe u dunno..
Bt it makes me feel insignificant..

N we've been thru all those..
u told me u loved me
n this is all it's worth..
In the end..
all tt's left..
is scoldings..
n ur hatred for me..

I cant move on..
cos I dun wanna forget u..
I cant do it either..

I know..
it's going to take a long time..

I still believe..
tt u're nt this kinda guy..
U're prob doing it cos u want me to move on..

I dunno what to think..
All I know is..
U want me to think for myself..

I will..
I have..
I am..

Peiz..

I'm sorry I made u feel tt u're useless n a failure at being a fren..
It really isn't ur fault..

Many things r happening..
n many things have..

It's nt ur fault tt u're bz with ur own stuff..
I mean..
all of us are..

The same situation might happen to u and I'm the one who's feeling bad..

I'm nt a v gd fren either..
Bad in many ways..
Failure in many others..

I've nv really been a gd fren..
Maybe the best thing I did was to lend a listening ear..
A shoulder to cry on..
and shower hugs..

Bt tt's nt enough..
it nv is..

Went to church.. today's Ptr Lau's last day in FE.. he's alr transferred to CE..

Gt stuff for dnd..

Do u know how much u remind me of him?

The way he'd hold my hand..
The way he'd hug me..

Yest..
The stars in the sky reminded me of him..
The way he said tt he could take down the stars for me if I wanted..
N he did..

All this.. brought tears to my eyes..
N I tried hard nt to let the tears flow out..
bt I still cried last nite..
cried myself to slp yet AGAIN..

This shows tt I still feel..

I dun even know if it's gd or bad..

Declared: Single bt unavailable