So depressed..

I don't remember myself being so depressed..
except for relationships..

Can't understand why I'm feeling depressed either..

God..
Help me..
I can't carry on like this...

Today's my first day of work...

I'm feeling so depressed........

Got lost on the way here.. Don't ask me why.. I walked round the WHOLE area just to find the office..

I'm not having lunch either.. No mood to eat.. No appetite either.. Only bought a banana and a slice of dragon fruit to eat..

I'm doing data entry.. Super boring..

I'm really alone..
Can't talk to anyone while working..
No music whatsoever..
Even have to have lunch alone..
Strange environment..

Super upsetting..

Sat in the toilet and cried for a while..

Guess I'll really lose a lot of weight like that..

~I miss you a lot.. I don't want to be here..~

I'll be starting work tomorrow..

Somehow..
I don't feel like working..

I miss you..

I know I must work..
For you..
For me..

Baby..
Don't give up..
You told me not to give up..
You can't give up too..

You still have me..
I'm still here..
I'm always available for you..

I've been asking God if I should give up..
I asked Him to give me grace to hold on..

Now it seems that I have a choice..
A chance given to me..

Should I grab it?
Or should I not?

Is it even my choice to begin with?

~Trust and obey.. for there's no other way.. to be happy in Jesus.. but to trust and obey..~

I don't know why you don't want to go back..
I don't know why you seem to be avoiding me..

You don't seem to want to reply me..
You only reply with one-word replies..

It's worrying me..

~Can you sense what I'm feeling?~

Sometimes I really don't understand...

It might be my fault for not paying attention to you because I was on the phone..
but it would be nice if you would wait instead of just walking off and see if I'll follow..

What if I got lost?
What if I didn't follow you?
What if I couldn't follow you fast enough?

I don't know if you'd care if I didn't follow..
You put down every call that I made..

I know you still care for me..
I know that you're concerned..

Please don't simply ask me to find someone else..
Please do not just walk away..
Please..

Stay by me..
Now and always..

~I need you by me.. your love, care and concern.. the way you encourage me.. I need you..~

People change..

I can't believe you..
You lifted me up..
Threw me down..
and now you're literally trampling on me..

Do not think that the reason I'm not in the studio is not because I'm jealous..
or that I was feeling embarrassed..

It was because I was feeling upset..

My back has been hurting real bad..
I can't even do basics..

When I was sitting there and am unable to dance..
it's upsetting..
It's also upsetting that I'd probably be neglected because everyone is dancing..

So I decided to take a breather outside..

It hasn't been a good day for me..
I won't bother to elaborate what happened..

~Think before you speak.. You'll never know the consequences.. ~

I've not idea what guys nowadays are thinking..

Today..
On the way back from Douby Ghaut..
Baby and I took the same train as this guy..

I won't say that he's a metrosexual..
He looks more than that..
He looks every bit like a guy..
Only thing is that he puts on lip gloss..
Shaped his eye brows..
Did french nails..
and is carrying a LV sling bag..

He looks more girly than an average girl..
I won't be surprised if he had foundation on..

I'm not sure if that means that we as girls aren't dolling up enough..
or that being natural is good..

I'll believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder..

Love you baby..

Went to see the doctor today..
Took an X-ray..

Having some problem with my back..
Some spine joint wearing off thing..

Was given muscle relaxant and oil for massage..

While waiting to collect the medicine..
Baby and I saw this WOman..

He apparently was a cross-dresser..
Has long hair..
Thick spectacles lens that make his eyes seem big..
Was wearing a yellow coloured dress..
Stockings..
and 2 1/2 inch heels..
Sounds and looks every bit like a man..
Can't help but laugh..

Went to rest..
Then went to SnG to sit..
Then came home..
That's about all I did today..

My back is hurting very badly..
It has been like this for the past 3 days and it's still hurting..

I don't know what's wrong but it is really very painful..

It's been 7 months since we've been together..
I'm very glad and happy that we've got this chance to be together..

Baby..
I thank God for putting you in my life..
and I hope I've made an impact in yours..

Love you..

This song.. is very nice..

It's taken from the movie, Music and Lyrics..



Way Back Into Love

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking from someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And I you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Baby..
Thank you..

Love you..

I can't keep myself down..
I'm feeling super restless..

I don't know if it's because you're not here..
or if it's because of the things I've told you..

I don't know if it's right or wrong..

I'm glad I let it out..
but I know the consequences aren't going to be good too..

I don't expect everything to be bright and sunny..
I did prepare myself for the worst..

I'm trying not to worry..
trying to take things easy..

I'm not going for dance because you're not there..
and I don't want to go there to see them dance..
Maybe I'm selfish..
I don't know..

I know you're hurting..
I'm sorry..
I can't pretend that I'm not hurting along with you..
because I am..

I can't stop reprimanding myself..
Can't stop thinking..

Feeling giddy..
The room seems to be spinning..
Not tired..
Don't feel like sleeping..

~Tell me it's going to be ok.. don't leave me this way..~

Today's "celebration" wasn't very fantastic..

For one..
I'm quite sick of the way responsibility is pushed from one to another..

Secondly..
I don't seem to be able to fit in..
Either because I keep myself out..
or..
because of some other reason that I don't know of..

Whatever it is..
I don't really want to know..

Read this poem of sorts..
Want to post it here..
Because it tells of how I feel..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Could I have This Dance

I'll always remember the song they were playing
The first time I danced and I knew,
As we swayed to the music and held to each other,
I fell in love with you.

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?

I'll always remember that magic moment,
When I held you close to me.
'Cause we moved together, I knew forever,
You're all I'd ever need.

Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?
Would you be my partner every night?
When we're together, it feels so right.
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life?

I really do love dancing with you..
Hope that one day..
I'd be able to dance with you..
For life..
Love you baby..

Dance competition is finally over..

I guess I should have expected the results..
What I least expected..
was what he told me..
The feeling of being held up and then sent crashing down isn't the first for me..
And I guess it won't be the last as well..

Whatever it is..
it is already final..
He's decided to go his way and leave me with mine..

I suppose Clar would understand best how I feel..
but I probably got the greater extent of hopes crushed..

Though it's like this..
I have to thank baby for standing by me..
for being there when I need you to be..

I know it's not going to be easy..
I might stop dancing because of this..
but I know..
that everything is in God's hands..

I've also gotten my results..
I didn't get the results I hoped I'd get..
but at least it isn't all that bad..

I've gotten a B+ for my industrial attachment programme..
and a graduating GPA of 3.0683..
which I know..
isn't very fantastic..

Still..
I did what I could..

For you..
I hope you'll do as what you hope for in doing this..
I don't blame you for doing this to me..
Guess I'm dispensible in your sight..
Hope that you'll be able to find joy in dancing with her..

For you..
Girl.. I know you didn't do anything wrong..
I can't blame you either..
He's already hinted something in the beginning..
but you were attached then..
Hope you'll do well with him..

~Dancing is not all about results.. it's about individual growth, dignity, strength, passion and bonding as a partnership.. ~

I don't know how to handle it..
I don't know what to do..

I can't choose..
I don't want to either..

Why do you have to make things so hard for me?!?

You said that I can do it only IF I concentrate..
You ask me to stop whatever else (relationships etc.) so that I can concentrate..
Why can't I have both?

First..
you said that if I can't get into a university..
it'd be my fault for not being hardworking enough to get good results to get in..

Then..
you said that if I were to carry on with my relationship, I'd be unable to graduate from uni (if I even get in in the first place)

Why does things have to go the way you want it to?
Why do you have to dictate my life?
Do I even have a say?

NO..
and why not?!?
All because "it's written in the Bible to 'Honour your father and your mother'."

So can I honour..
yet do what I want?

Can't I go to uni..
have my relationship..
carry on with dance..
and still graduate?

Why force me to make choices that I can't?!?

Why are you dictating my life?!?

You wanted me to take the business studies option in poly..
I've done that..
I'm already graduating..

Now you want me to forgo uni to work..
and you CLAIMED that after working for 3 years in the industry..
I can complete my uni degree in a year..

No..
I don't want to be disobedient,,

Yes..
I know that I'm rebellious..
I know I want things my way..
but why force me?

Dar said she'll support me..
She asked me to go for it..
to not let you dictate my life..
Because it's my life..

If I do that..
is it considered as being rebellious?

I don't want to choose..
It's tearing me apart..

Baby..
will you wait for me?
will you not give up?

~Who can see the pain I'm going through.. who can understand the hurt I'm feeling.. None but You, Lord.. (but why do You seem so far away.. cause I'm doing wrong?)~

Things have came to a point when it's no longer you and me..
It somehow isn't us..
It isn't you nor me..

Quarrels arises..
Disagreements..
Hurt..
Pain..

You're no longer expecting anything..
You're tired..
You feel like a substitute..
You feel like I'm not giving you the attention you hope to get..

I..
on the other hand..
no longer have any idea of what to do with you..
I cannot understand you..
I do not want to be screaming at you..

You say you're tired of trying..
That you do not want to be bothered with me anymore..

I do not want to give up..
but maybe I'm just trying too hard..

Is it all that difficult?

Two people in love........
Does things really have to end this way?

~I don't know what you want anymore..~

Problems seem to be never ending..

The one thing that I've heard that is dear to my heart..
was something you said yesterday..

I might not be good at giving equal attention to the both of you at the same time..
but I do give you the attention..
Probably it's not enough..
I'm sorry..

~Without you.. I'm incomplete.. it's only with you that I'm complete and whole..~

I'm tired..
I'm stressed..
I'm worn out..
I don't know how much more I can take..

I've in some way seem to have outlasted what I could..
I used to be able to take everything in my stride..
Used to be able to do anything and everything..

Guess I've backslided..
No..
I definitely have..

Couldn't handle what I used to be able to..

No..
I won't admit it's a result of age..
I've seen and know people who can do more than me despite their age..

Sigh..

I don't know what to do..
I keep making you angry..
I keep complaining..

But do you see my pain?
Do you see my stress?
You see me everyday..
But do you understand me?
Do you know what I'm going through?

I might not be in your shoes..
But I try to understand..
You don't tell me anything..
But I try to guess..

Communication..
Understanding..
That's important..
Hope you'll understand..

I've had a wonderful Valentine's Day..

This would be the first time I'm spending Valentine's Day attached.. Although Valentine's day is over-commercialised, I would have to say that I really enjoyed myself..

I spent more than half the day at home..

After his final paper, he came to fetch me..
and he gave me..
a bouquet of sunflowers..
6 stalks..

It's the first time I'm ever receiving sunflowers.. because all along, I've only received roses..

Dinner was at toa payoh's kfc..
Haha..
Rather..
It's the same building as toa payoh's kfc..
We had Sizzler..

After that, we went down to clar's place and stayed there till early morning..

I would like to thank all who have made this possible..
Dar.. thanks for collecting the flowers (that's what you claimed you only did.. I'm sure you had some part in the planning..)
Baby.. thanks for making the day special..

The both of you..
you two really are special..
You light up my day..

Thank you..
Love you two..

It's really been ages since I last blogged..

I've ended my attachment a week ago..
and I can say that I really do miss my colleagues..

I've been to school and back the past week..
have had lots of things to settle..

Many things have happened..

Suddenly it seems as though you've changed..
The way you react..
Maybe you were feeling upset..
Maybe you are feeling lonely..

I apologise for being useless..
I'm sorry for not being able to help..

Maybe I'm thinking too much..
Or maybe it's my fault..

Sorry...