Happy

The last week was a roller coaster ride..
from being totally upset and crying
to being happy (and wanting to cry maybe?)

Just 2 days ago he suggested a staycation when I get back..
and he suggested going to Raintr33 hotel..
a place where he had nightmares about because of the past..
somewhere where he'd get PTSD about..

I hope that means that he is gradually letting go of the past and that somehow he has forgiven me..
that maybe there's hope for the future..
and that we'd be stronger..
and happier..

Baby steps..
but it's a step in the right direction.

I'm stoked!
And I am definitely very happy!

"In my life

There is someone who touches my life

Waiting near
Waiting here

A heart full of love"

It's me again

Hey.... am back again.

Today is India's Independence Day.. I'm having a public holiday and am sitting in the hotel room...... thinking of..............

So am distracting myself with work, games, couple of Korean drama episodes...

Yet am mindful that he's ignoring me.
不管是刻意的，还是无意的，事实是他是在避开我
Messages have gotten significantly lesser.. replies are short and curt (if any).

I've got 2 weeks to get over this.. I'll be fine in 2 weeks..

Went to office yesterday.. everyone was dancing around me cos they somehow could see that I was not happy and not looking well..

I need to buck up and not wear my feelings on my sleeves..
Should only breakdown when I'm alone..

Need to school my emotions, expressions and thoughts.

If only it were that easy.....

"Nobody said it was easy.. Nobody said it'd be that hard..."


*Post post notes: He said he was very busy and tired the last couple of days hence not really able to respond.

Back again

今天外头的天气反映了`我心里的感觉。。。阴深深，下着大雨。。
心里一阵阵的痛。。。已经好久没这样的感觉了。。。

This blog has obviously been left unused for long periods of time... only for me to come and jot down major periods of time in my life.

That might be good too... for me to put down somewhere..

I had the love of my life come all the way to Chennai to visit me though it was only 1 day (sad but true). He flew all the way though he's terrified of flying.. stayed for less than 24 hrs.. but it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

We had a wonderful time together until he went thru my phone and saw some past messages that I had with some guys that used me in the past. So he got upset.. and angry..
And he left upset....

They always say... 床头吵，床尾和.. never go to bed angry..
I think he didn't manage to sleep.. and I took a long time to sleep as well..

I know how much it all hurts him.. but I didn't have any intention on cheating on him.

I do not have unfinished business with anyone else either.

From the looks of things.. I don't know if we'd ever fall back in place..
Maybe we might.. Maybe we won't..

But if we don't.. then I guess my original plans "worked" out..
He'd be rid of me.. can find someone more suitable and compatible..
Someone who'd make him happier and can love him the way he deserves.

And maybe it's all a self-fulfilling prophecy..
Fairytales never exist in reality..
Good things never last.

真是的。。早知如此，又何必当初。。。
I never thought it would have been possible for someone like me..
To be able to have something like this..
No matter the duration..
至少我曾经拥有过

Writing this in tears (I'm not supposed to be crying cos going for eye op this week) but can't help it..
I could see the pain radiating off him yesterday.. and I could feel it..
I can feel my pain from it as well..

I suppose it's true..
Trust once broken is hard to mend..
No matter the intention, the thought process behind it.

I don't regret starting this journey with him.
I regret how it started out.

But at the end of this journey..
if it doesn't have a happy ending, at least I know that I had a period (albeit short) of time in my life that I was truly loved, cared for and wanted.

And then I can close up and keep my final promise to him..

I'm sorry.
Maybe I'm really just a very lousy person and not worthy of your love.

我真应该当个尼姑，远离世间红尘。。这样对大家都好些
心好痛。。。真的很痛。。。
但也都是我的错，所以我活该，也是我应得的。

I wish I can take away your pain.. 1 person in pain is better than 2 people in pain.
If only I could......

It's been a long while

It's been a long time since I've written..

I think I'm a bit rusty in my writing. I decided that this is something I should consider writing about because it's one of my greatest struggle ..

I haven't been the best professing Christian.. I have strayed many times.. Ignored many advice and  did many things that I know is wrong..

As a result of that, I sank further. I became depressed, bitter, angry with God.. Many times I wonder why would God put me thru all this?!? But now, looking back.. I put myself into all this.. It's all my fault.. Had I been more faithful to begin with, I would not have to go thru all this pain.

Now at the crossroads of my life.. Someone who fits my prayer came back into my life but in less than desirable circumstances.. I don't think that God would put me thru these kind of temptation if He means for him to be in my life as my life partner..

But I do know.. That from his point of view, if I cannot take him at his lowest now.. To walk thru this tough road with him.. To slough it out with him.. That there will be no future with him.

He's a great guy.. One with a long history with me. A good friend. A nice guy. A sweet boyfriend and a potentially wonderful husband.
One that I would want to have for life. One who would fight for me even if I give up on myself. One who would fight against me for me if he thinks that that is the best for me.

Now here.. People will be thinking.. "What is this crazy woman up to?!? Such a great catch! And she's going to let him go???"
Yeah.. Well.. Things aren't as simple as they seem..

He's married.. Albeit he'll be going thru divorce soon.. He's still out of reach..

He wants me there to go thru the period of divorce  with him.. To be his partner.. His support.
While I can be his support, his listening ear, his shoulder to cry on.. That is not what he's looking for.

I struggle with my spirituality and his.. I don't want to condemn the both of us.. While everything he's proposed and said sounds logical and appeals to my rational self, I can't help but think.. What of the future? Would God bless such a union?

The divorce is based on logical grounds.. Self-preservation I'll call it.. Though it is logical. Having loved the person.. And been thru a marriage it WILL hurt..

I'm sorry I've hurt him so badly in one way or another. I'm not perfect.. Actually I'm way from perfect.. But he still somehow sees some good in me and is willing to fight for me.. And for that.. I'm thankful for God to put him in my life.

Thanks for everything darling.. I pray that God will give you strength thru this.. I want to, will and can be here for you in my capacity if you would allow me to.. But if not, I pray that God will grant you peace and grace in this trying period.

As I make the decision to not be his partner.. My heart breaks.. But I know it's in God's hands.. That I'm leaving him, myself and our future (or lack of) into God's hands.. And may His Will be done.

I really hope that I'm making the right choice..
But I think.. If it is really in God's plans for us to be together.. He'll show us.. He'll lead us back together somehow.. In the right circumstances..

And then we can safely say and will be assured that this is what God meant for us.

I feel like I'm standing at the border of bothering and being nonchalant..

I feel like I'm between closing myself up and not..

I've not felt like this in a long time.. I don't even know what started this..

But now.. I feel pain.. Like this numbing pain sensation is running thru every fibre of my body.. Trying to take hold of whatever it can get to..

And now I'm left wondering.. Should I fight it or just let go..

It's been a long time since I've last blogged..
I've actually stopped posting a long time ago..
So there might not even be readers..
But a blog being a blog is a place to air thoughts and feelings..
So I'll just type whatever I want..

Jealousy, envy..
Never nice feelings to experience..
The only reason I can think of is that people will only feel that way if they compared themselves to others.

So if I don't compare..
I won't feel that way?

Life has never been easy..

Broken up and trying to move on..
Not easy..

But with work and school..
It helps me not to think..

The weekends,
the places we've been to however..
Don't help at all..

It takes time..
Lots of time..

But I'll get there somehow..
With Your help..
With Your guidance..
With Your strength..

Help me also..
With my work..
It's STRESSFUL..
Everyone's leaving..
I feel like going too..
But I can't 'cos I don't have another job that will allow me the hours I have here..

Thank You..
For being here..
For him..
For them..
And also for him..
Learnt a lot..
from all of them..

Keep me..
Help me concentrate..

Forgive me of my sins..

In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen.

I have recently found certain songs very nice..
It's probably just a phase..
like usually..
I'll like those songs especially if they speak to my feelings..

I've not blogged for a long time..
I'll try to update as and when..

As for me now..
I've cram packed my schedule cos of my classes..
the presentation and report submission timings are SOOO closed to each other..
they are only a week apart..
I'm so tired..

Sigh..............

~When will rest come...?~

What do you make of a relationship?
What do you think it is?

A couple being together?
A couple learning things together?
Accepting each other - warts and all?

I would hope that we're like that..
and not like this..

Yes..
I know..
It's been ages since I last blogged..
Just to inform..
I've changed my job..
again..
Just started today..
Info-overload..

Anyway..
Nat sent me this paragraph that I feel is very true..

Most of our suffering is caused by emotions. These emotions may become unbearable by identifying with them and often may cause negative results if we follow their urge. It's important to know the difference between emotions and feelings. A feeling is an authentic sensation arising in the present moment such as love. An emotion is a reliving of a previously imprinted condition. For example because we have been hurt in the past we are acting in the present moment not out of love but out of jealousy or fear. Whenever we are emoting, we are in the past; whenever we are feeling, we are in the present.

Baby and I are doing very well..
I am very happy with him..
:)

I really don't know what You're doing..
I never knew..

You said that if we were to trust..
Things will be fine..
We did..
But look how things are..

I don't want to say..
don't want to comment..
Just hope to find out where this is leading us..
because it seems..
trust and faith is not enough..

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

"When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound.
When a window shatters,
a table leg breaks,
or a picture falls off the wall,
it makes a noise.
But as for your heart,
when that breaks, it's completely silent.
You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell.
But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain.

If there is a noise,
it's internal.
It screams and no one can hear it but you.
It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches.
It thrashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea,
it roars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken.
That's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like,
a thrashing,
panicking,
trapped,
great big beast,
roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions.
But that's the thing about love;
no one is untouchable.
It's as wild as that,
as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water,
but when it actually breaks,
it's silent,
you're just screaming on the inside but no one can hear it."
~ Cecelia Ahern, If You Could See Me Now

I Evol uoy erom naht ouy kniht i od..

Yes..
I know..
I haven't been blogging for ages..

I've been busy with work..
and school..

So here's a quick summary of all that's happened (at least most of it..)

Baby and I went to the Singapore Science Centre to catch the Da Vinci exhibition that's currently up..
This is like my first time there after an extremely long time (I think the last time I went there was in Secondary 2..)
It was really fun.. Very nice..
and the best thing was..
I got to go there with Baby..
So that made it very special..

We also went for Fiona's 21st birthday party that was held at Temasek Club..
The food was ok..
Games were... hmmm..
But it was fun over all..
lots of laughter.. :)

Yesterday,
Baby and I went out for dinner..
We were at Douby Exchange and had dinner at Just Acia..
then he told me that he wanted to go to the toilet..
and he came back with a walnut brownie from POsh..
So sweet of him.. :)

I love my baby..
*muacks*

The last 2 days has been wonderful!

Baby booked out on Sat morning cos he had duty on May Day..
Then he came over to my place to give me a surprise and fetch me over to his place..
:)

We went out with his friends to watch Wolverine..
Which is very nice..

Sunday was sweet too..
Had dinner with him..

If only everyday was like this..
mmmm..

Need I say more?
:)

You might not be able to understand this..
But somehow..
I think..
Maybe..
You feel this way..

不，完美 - 李玖哲

你常常说 我很完美
没人能取代 我给的一切
我就以为 我努力更完美
我们 就会永远
完美并不美 我们多虚伪
你让我的好 变成一种罪
完美并不美 当你爱了谁
我的完美也只是 不完美

后来你说 我太完美
值得更好的 陪在我身边
你不是我 你怎么能体会
你有 多么珍贵
完美并不美 我们多虚伪
你让我的好 变成一种罪
完美并不美 当你爱了谁
我的完美也只是 不完美

完美并不美 我们多虚伪
你让我的好 变成一种罪
完美并不美 当你爱了谁
我的完美成了 罪

完美并不美 我们多虚伪
你让我的好 变成一种罪
完美并不美 当你爱了谁
我的完美也只是 不完美

I lost my handphone chain..
Very upset about it..
Literally cried the whole night..
Soaked the pillow..
Woke up with swollen goldfish eyes..

Baby was very nice about it..
Didn't scold me..
Didn't blame me..
actually consoled me..
coaxed me to go to sleep..
asked me to rest..

Thank you so much baby..
*hugz*

This song is nice..
And I think the music video is very sweet..

Love Story - Taylor Swift





We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes and the flashback starts
I'm standing there on a balcony in summer air
See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
See you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase, begging you please don't go
And I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes, let's leave this town for a little while
Oh, oh

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me, I was begging you please don't go
And I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story, baby just say yes

Romeo save me they're tryna tell me how to feel
this love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story, baby just say yes

I got tired of waiting wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town
And I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I'll keep waiting for you, but you never come
Is this in my head, I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said

Marry me Juliet you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad you'll pick out a white dress
It's a love story, baby just say yes
Oh, oh, oh

We were both young when I first saw you

I really have no idea what's going on..
Whether you're like this because I did something I shouldn't have,
or didn't do something I should have,
or because you're feeling insecure,
or because of some other reason..

Whatever it is..
I'm feeling figidty..

I really want to know what's happening..
What's going on..
What's wrong..

But you just don't seem to want to tell me...
You don't seem to want to talk to me..

What should I do...

WARNING!!!
Angry words ahead.. read at your own risk!

I really am going to let it out..
I'm not going to hold it back..
and there's nothing you can do about it..
You won't even get to read this ANYWAY..

I don't care who you are to me..
But you should care who I am to you..

I am your girlfriend's BEST FRIEND..
Get this into that thick skull of yours..
IF you have any intention of marrying her..
(which you say you do)
You better get into her good friends good books..
Else it's out the window for you..

And congratulations..
I think I can foresee you falling out soon..

Even if you were only a friend..
That is something that you shouldn't do..
You PROMISED to transfer the money to me..
and you KNEW that that was the last $20 I have..
But I passed it to her because you promised to transfer $20 to me once you knock off..

In the end..
You decided to use $10 to top up your ezlink card..
and keep $10 for yourself so that you can eat..

How SELFISH can you get?
Where in the world are your ethics?!?
Or did you even have them in the first place?!?
YOU GAVE YOUR WORD!!!

And I heard every word you said..
You asked..
"If I were to give her the $20 then what am I going to survive on? What will I eat?"

COME ON!!!
I'm not that unreasonable!
If you don't have that amount to transfer to me..
then don't say that you will do it in the first place!
I trusted that you will do it!
and you ate off my livelihood!!!

As a guy, you SHOULD provide for the girl..
but you don't...
You complain when you pay for things..
but everytime when you ask her to pay for something..
It's more expensive than whatever you paid for her added up..

You keep saying that things should be settled as a couple..
But you don't react in that way..

When she said that she is feeling insecure..
You said that you will handle the money part..
When she said that you don't even have a basic salary..
You said that as long as she has a basic salary..
that's enough..
Your salary is purely commission-based..
No sales means no money..
Yet you push the blame on her to say that the reason that you're not getting sales is because of her..

HELLO?!?
How in the world is YOUR incapability to get sales her fault?
IF you want results,
WORK to get the results yourself..
Blaming your incompetence on someone else will not get you results..
It will get you NO WHERE..

What are you?
Some guy who relies on the girl to provide for his needs?
Are you EVEN a guy?

I would like to say that I don't despise you..
But I can't..

You have A LOT of redemption to do..
Not only to me..
but to dar..
and to her as well..