I know I haven't been blogging for a long while..

I've decided to blog today because it's 5 months!

Yeah..
We've been thru ups and downs..
Quarrelled..
Disagreed..
Cried..
Laughed..
I thank God that we're still together..

At times it may hurt..
At times it may seem like everything done is for nought..
But I'm glad God helped us to tide thru it all..

It hasn't been easy..
It never is..

Many times we feel lonely..
Lost..
Confused..
But we're still holding on..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you all have the chance..
Do watch the chinese show - Yesterday once more..
Acted by Andy Lau and Sammi Cheng..
That..
Is a classic example of love..
and I cried till my eyes almost dropped out..

Will write a summary of it if I can..
When I can..

Have been too choked by the workload to the extent that I don't have time to breathe..
much less blog..

Picked up a few nice quotes along the way....

~To give and not expect return, that is what lies at the heart of love. - Oscar Wilde ~
~ I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love. - Mother Theresa ~

How would you like it if someone gave you hopes and shattered it..
How would you take it if someone keeps you hanging on a thread..

I definitely won't like it..

I'm sorry if I've done it to anyone of you before..
especially to you, baby..
I really don't mean it..

As for you..
I know this isn't your first time doing it..
I've seen it happen more than once now and I can say that I hate what you've done..

You SHOULD NOT play with a person's feelings..
You SHOULD NOT play mind games..
Please..
If in any case..
You should have been straight forward of the whole matter..
Whatever it is regarding..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You..
I have no idea what happened..
and in a way I think that it's good that I don't know..

If it is as what I've heard,
you only have yourself to blame for the current situation..
DON'T expect me to clean up the mess for you..
You created this..
You clean it up YOURSELF..
Not that I expect you to do anything about it..
You'll probably end up influencing other people in attempt to get them to do whatever you want them to..
Just as you have done before..

Be thankful that I decided not to make things worst by telling those involved what you told me about them..
I'm not like you..

Do not be so cowardly and use your "authority" on the few of us because you view us to have the ability to outshine you..
IF you have what it takes..
Show it..
If you don't..
Just shut up and do as you're given..

There're times you make me feel like I'm the diamond in the rough..
Or likened to a pearl in your hand..
Precious..
Unique..
To be treasured..

Sometimes..
You render me helpless..
Make me feel useless..
Inapt..
Unable..

You tell me you don't trust me fully..
That you've got doubts..
That your dreams feel so real..

I can't blame you for having the fear of losing me..
but to the extent that you've got doubt in me.....
I find that terrifying..

Don't worry so much..
Don't think so much..
Although you claim that it gives you "preparation",
in being "prepared" for it might actually let it happen..

I don't blame you for being unable to trust my guy friends..
Afterall, you don't know them..
But at least have that trust for me..
And most importantly..
Trust in God..
In being so doubtful,
You're actually doubting God most..

Baby..
You're special..
You're important..
and maybe you don't know how much you mean to me..
You really mean A LOT..

NOTHING happens by chance..
There's no such thing as "Just so happened"..
You didn't "happen" to be there when I needed someone..
You didn't "happen" to give that extra care and concern..
God placed you there..
God made you care..

I thank God for you..
and I thank you for all you've done..

Baby..
You don't have to do more..
What you've done..
and given..
is enough..

If..
you see me as a diamond..
Don't let go..
Don't doubt that one day you'll drop the diamond..
Don't push the diamond away..

Back after a LONG break..

I'm sorry for not blogging.. the internet was down due to the Taiwan earthquake.. only got it back on Fri.. then I was out till today.. yup..

Spent new year's eve having a barbeque with Clar, baby, Brian, Desmond, Kelvin and Marc.. then, baby, Clar, Brian and I went to esplanade at around 1+ and stay there till 6+ in the morning to catch a bus back.

New year's day was spent having a steamboat over at one of the steamboat houses in bugis to celebrate Brenda's birthday.. after that, we went down to Bungalow to have a drink and some side dishes..

Yest was spent with baby, Clar, Brian and one of Brian's friends, Angeline.. We had "tea" at Ding Tai Fung.. then dinner at Billy Bombers..

Had a fun filled time these few days.. Thanks to all..

On the early morning of New Year's day, down at esplanade.. the 4 of us saw this person (we don't know if it's a man/woman cos he/she's wearing a mask) swimming in the Singapore River in a long sleeved shirt and pants..
We supposed that that person (most probably a guy if we judge from the dressing) was dared by "his" peers because we heard cheering when "he" was returning to shore..

First of all, I do not understand why some one would want to endanger his life like that..
the river..
although not shark-infested might be home to other meat-eating sea creatures..
besides, it was quite badly littered that night cause of all the celebrations that were happening in that area.

Secondly, I would not consider that bunch of people who dared "him" to go swimming as friends
because friends would not ask "him" to do something as dangerous as that..
They might have been drunk or high on alcohol but still, life is not something to be played around with.

If they were trying to attract attention..
Congratulations..
You've gotten a few short paragraphs of write-up on my blog..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When something's lost..
should you read into it?

I would have to say that I haven't really been very fervent..
I haven't been reading the bible a lot..
but the church issue at hand really affects me a lot..

A difference in view can actually tear 2 sister churches apart although we share the same belief..

If it can happen to 2 churches who have been together for numerous years..
A difference in view can tear couples apart too..
Can't it..

Whenever prayed,
"Thy will be done"..
It's not to be meant..
I know what you want BUT..
It's to be meant..
Do unto me what You think is best for me..

No..
I do not want to give up..
Yes..
We're facing problems..
in different sizes..
various intensity..
Maybe..
it's cos we're nt ready..
or of other reasons we have no idea of..
but I won't give up so soon..
I'll fight on..
until I'm suppose to stop..

~ I lost my heart.. is it supposed to mean something? ~

Dear all,

I apologise for not updating for the past few weeks.

For the past 2 weeks, the heavens have been pouring all their sorrow out, causing floods in common and even in areas unthought of. Who would have thought of Lornie Road/ Thomson Road (MacRitchie Reservior) being flooded to the extent that a Bangladesh man would go "fishing" on the road! (I'm not being racist in any way.. it was reported in the newspaper)

Christmas day was yesterday. I had the chance to spend time with Nat n dear and baby.. Lunch was a bomb.. but the food was very nice. If you have the chance, do go down to United Square, the restaurant right at the end from the outside. The name of the restaurant is Bungalow - great food, soothing music, nice bar. It's a wonderful place to chill and have a meal.

For all who have given me gifts during this season.. Thank you so much..
This year, I've received the most number of gifts.. and very meaningful ones too..

Tas, thanks for the cushion.. it's very comfy..
Clar & Brian.. thanks for the glasses.. they're very nice..
Dar & Dear.. thanks for the love charm.. I've never received anything like this before in my life.. I will cherish it..
Nat.. thanks for the gift.. for going to church and also for spending time with us on Christmas..

My colleagues
Malar.. for the sweet gerbera..
Michelle.. for the chocolates..
Shalena.. for the hand-made paper bag to put the magnets and paper clip..
Lavinia.. for the cute cat decoration..
Pei Chuen.. for the handphone chain..
Cheryl.. for the whole set of Colour Workshop Lip gloss..
Christine.. for the rock chocolates from Spain..

Church friends
Christine.. for the designed magnet..
Hannah.. for the exquisite bookmark..

And for anyone else who I'd forgotten..
Thank you..

I will definitely not forget you baby..
You gave my family practical presents..
and you gave me the most expensive thing I've received..
You saved me from my dilemma..
but you spent so much..
Thank you so much..
really love the gown a lot..
because you hand-picked it..

Love you too..

It's no good....

I'm no good...

No..
I'm not trying to short-sell myself..
I'm stating facts..

Although I know that hurt and pain are both part and parcel of a relationship I shouldn't be the one who inflicts it..

Baby..
If you change your mind about me..
tell me..
I'll understand..

Thank you for loving me the way you did..
and still do..
Thank you for caring..
I still thank God for you every waking day..
and even before I sleep..

I know you must be hurting terribly now..
I'm sorry..
I don't feel much better..

Maybe you don't see it..
Maybe you don't wanna see it..
Maybe you think they're just excuses..

Now I know how it feels..
to give so much..

Probably it's me..
Maybe I'm just not giving enough..

I'm sorry..

"A new feeling I cannot comprehend but I'm slowly getting used to it.. Shall not put my hopes too high as disappointment sets in"

I would hope to say.. don't get use to it..

But..
I know I'm useless in that aspect..
No matter what I do..
No matter how I try..
I still fail..
and I'm still trying..
and I'm still holding on..
and I still want to carry on..

But do you?

~I can see your heart aching.. I can hear your heart breaking.. But do you feel mine? ~

Brian..

I guess you're right..
or at least your friend's right..
But it really is hard..
The things around that's happening makes it even more so..

Baby..
Maybe I'm starting to rely on you too much..
I hope that you'll always be there..
I wish that you'll not let go..
But the past few days felt so different..
I know I'm in the wrong somehow..

I shouldn't have walked away..
I felt like crying but should have stayed in sight so that you won't worry..
Sorry I fainted yesterday..
Sorry that I couldn't wake up..
Sorry to make you freak out..
Sorry.....

I'm trying..

Maybe it's just me......
Maybe I'm just thinking too much.....

~Don't think for the other party.. He has not given up till he has given up.. Don't be too discouraged and give up before he does.. ~
~ Life's a journey.. Some people travel with us for just a while.. Others longer.. Who knows where the road ends? - No one but You, God.. ~

The cold look in your eyes scares me..
They tell me to leave you alone..

The tone in your voice says that you're disappointed..
It hints to stay away from you..

I know..
I'm sorry..

If you want me to leave you alone..
I will..
If you want me to stay away..
I will..
If you don't want to see me..
You won't..

All I can do now..
is to grant your wish..

~I'm a genie in a bottle baby..~

My previous posts seem to be a cause for concern..

No worries people..
We're doing fine..

I would have to say that no one really knows the problems that a couple faces until they're open about it..
but then again..
most couples prefer to sweep things under the carpet and not hang their dirty linen in public..
I think that that is perfectly fine..
only IF..
they solve their problems..

I was once an escapist..
I never did like the idea of facing problems because I know that the chances of them paving the way to a quarrel are high..
The simplest way it seemed by to keep everything under the sheets..
and it did solve the problem..
for a while...
When the bulge in the sheets become prominent..
Everything will resurface again..
and it's then that there'll be little chance of salvaging..

I still preserve my view of having no quarrels..
because I don't see how quarrelling can solve problems..
Quarrels actually make things worst..
With anger in your head..
Everything comes out wrong..
Amicable discussions can be carried out in place of heated arguments..

Being brought up in a family in which my parents are peaceful people..
Loving.. (yeah.. my dad gets my mum to sit on his lap and kisses her in front of us - only at home)
No vulgarities hurled at each other..
Only arguments heard are those among my siblings.. (no one said that it'd be peaceful with siblings running around..)
I believe that that can be sought within couples..

That..
is the optimum..
the zen status..
and condition that all couples should be working towards..
less the disargeements between siblings would definitely be much better..

To quote Brian..
"just resolve every issue that comes straight away, ensure there's no "broken bits" lying ard each time.."
Do that..
Persevere..
Hang on..
Don't let go..

She sees him as important..
He views her as essential..
Somehow they complete each other in the most miraculous way..

Yet..
the underlying problems are there..

He shows her care and concern in his very own way..
but many a time he feels pushed away by her..
in due time..
he became reluctant to try..
and on the verge of giving up..

She knows he cares..
the pockets of love he gives, warms her once cold heart..
She knows that at times her tonality or deeds seem to portray that she doesn't need that form of care from him but deep inside she really appreciates him showing it..

Whenever there seems to be a problem surfacing,
she would try her best to resolve it and work at it to prevent it from resurfacing..
He would rather sleep it through..

It hurts her to see him stare at her with icy eyes..
The embraces that lose their warmth..
The kisses that lack of passion..
The words so stale..
The pain so real..

He hurt when she walks away..
He feels as though he's been treated as a servant..
Used when needed..
Thrown aside when not..

They both have varying views...
Where do they meet..........?

She tries hard to let him see her point..

"You're gorgeous.. You really are handsome you know?"
"No.. I'm ugly.."

She hopes to let him walk out of his loneliness by putting people into his life..
She tried to introduce her best friends to him..
She encourages him to open himself up a little more at a time..
but it seems that he still ends up in square one all over again..

He tries hard to get used to the new feeling of loneliness when she's not around..
He faces a pain that he has never felt before..
He attempts to understand her in ways he never had to do with others..
Yet it seems that she seems to be pushing him back..
it feels as though he's transparent when not needed..

She feels unappreciated at times when she needs..
He keeps himself in..

Both parties need the love that comes from the other..
He needs her to fill the inner loneliness and gap that he's had for his whole life..
She needs him to cover the cracks and scars left by her past..
They need the joy that they can derive from being together..

She's changed a lot for him..
from the once "always right" princess
to one that makes an effort to go out of the way to find him..

He's done a lot for her..
from one who has never done such things before..
to one that tries to find ways and means to make her happy..

Everyone says they're a lovey-dovey couple..
but how right is "everyone"?

Yes..
they love..
they care..
they laugh together..
cry together..
but........

How far would it go?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Commitment..
to some it's a fantasy..
to others..
it's a dreaded word..

No longer thinking of..
"I'll be able to find another if anything happens..", "break-up" or "divorce"..
but of how to make things work and stay together..

It's a big 10 letter word..
that involves a person's heart and soul..

10..
it's a perfect number..
to be perfectly kept between 2..
and 2 only..
as how the word is formed..
using 2 words..
"commit" and "ment"..

~ There must be trust in a relationship.. at the end of the day.. as long as he's there to hold your hand, hug you and say that he loves you.. the rest doesn't really matter.. ~

He is all she ever needed..
She is all he ever hoped for..

They started out in a fantasy..
a fairy-like love that bloomed out of something least expected..

They met in the simplest way..
It was her charisma that attracted him to her..
It was his concern that drew her to him..

Their fairytale lasted for a while..
Then..
Problems occured..

He felt neglected by her..
that her pace was too fast hence leaving him behind most of the time..
She felt she needed to do more..
that he wasn't happy with her..

Soon they began to see that there existed many differences between them..

There were times their relationship felt strained..

The nights that ended on a bad note felt long...
Mornings after that felt wrong..

Uncertainty and insecurity seemed to be the main things left..

Yet they're still holding on...................

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happiness comes with a certain degree of pain and sadness as well..
There's no such thing as "only happiness"..
but in the pain and sorrow..
if you are willing to work things out..
by the grace of God..
things will work out..

Hold on to the love..
work out the differences..

~ Nobody said it was easy...~

How do someone define who needs you more?

I remember him telling me..
My ex needs me more than you do..
You're strong..
You can do it without me..
She can't..
and he left me to get back together with her..

I never meant to do this to you..
I don't want to leave you..
If I had the choice..

But if I am the only one who can make a difference in her life..
I have to..
because she really needs me..

In this case..
under the circumstances..
I would have to say that she needs me more than another else does..

Baby..
I'm not trying to tell you that all along you play second fiddle to her because you do not..
Neither am I trying to say that you do not need me because I know you do..
but baby..
I hope you'll understand and see my plight..
Much as I do not want to leave..
If I really have to..
I must..
I won't be far though..
I'll always be by your side..
the way you'll always be by mine..

And if there comes a day that you doubt my love..
I'll wait till you find someone who can love you more than I can..
Then I'll leave you..

Baby..

Do not for once think that you're stupid..
Because you're not..

You're an extremely intelligent person..
I'm serious..

Everyone is unique..
No 2 are alike even if they're identical twins..
and you..
have the patience for me..

I know I'm nowhere near perfect..
I know that I have many flaws..
that I've made you upset so many times..

Although you tell me that I'm good, I still feel lacking..
Probably that's how the both of us feel..
In some way,
we're lack of the confidence that we can be good enough for each other..

Maybe to you,
you feel that there are other better guys out there..
that you're not good because you make me upset..
that you cannot and are not doing good enough..
But that's not true...

I also did things that made you upset..
I also think that there're better girls out there..

I guess all that matters is that we try hard..
Pray hard..
and leave it to God..

Of no fault of your own things became like this...........

I know that I'm not good enough..
that somehow or other I don't seem to be able to give you what you need..

You are a simple guy..
wanting basic things..
probably I'm too complex..
thinking along the lines of giving "more than what is expected"
but missing out on the day to day things that you are looking for.

I won't attempt to sell myself in anyway because whatever I've done is nothing as compared to yours..
You ignored your horrible day in school..
the feeling of loneliness because you do not know anyone in your class and probably found it hard to interact with them in many ways..
to make a long trip down to Vivocity to get the tickets for us..
then made your way to my work place to fetch me..

You accompanied her..
took care of her..

Yet when you wanted me there to just be by your side..
I was on the phone..
I won't even bother to explain why was I on the phone..
Guess that wouldn't really matter anyway..

You don't like me to be on the phone when I'm with you..
Maybe it's because you want me to be yours alone..
Maybe you just needed me to affirm that I need you there and that you're important to me..

If all that I've done before or am doing does not show you in anyway that you mean a lot to me..
then I guess I've been doing everything wrong..

You constantly need encouragement and acknowledgement..
You feel insecure and lonely..
Probably I haven't been showing you your importance..
Or I've not been giving you the encouragement you need..
Maybe I'm the source of your insecurity..
Or maybe the one who intensifies your loneliness instead of minimising it..

Today..
you did not send me home..
instead,
you said that you'd take the straight bus home instead and left me to take the train back..

If it were me in the past,
I'd turn and walk away,
switch off my phone and not even bother to sms you..
but today,
I took the train and changed a bus to go to your place,
sat at the bus stop to wait for your return.

I can't even remembered how long I've waited..
or how long I've cried..
it doesn't matter as long as I got to see you..

I'm afraid..
I really am..
afraid of losing you..
afraid of making you angry..
afraid of making you upset..
afraid of you walking away..
that you'd give up somehow..

I know you care..
when you told me to stay indoors..
that some stairs act as wind tunnels than shelters and asked me to avoid those stairs..
I felt happy..
and yet I cried..

My inability has rendered me more human than others..
A limit I could surpass only if I broke that barrier..
and I said that you had a barrier..
maybe I had one too..

Perhaps yours is easier to break..
but hard to maintain because you'd build it up again..
Yet it seems that mine has always been there..

Today..
I felt empty once again..

I swore I could hear her singing with me..
as in it really was her..
I could feel her beside me..
but I know her thoughts are all about him..
I know that I'm not as important as he is..
and I wish I could allevate her pain..
but I can't..

When you walked off..
when you took the bus..
I didn't know I felt the hurt..
but I know that I felt empty..

And I've tried..
and am trying..
and I don't want to stop..
but I don't know what's the limit..
and I fear that once I reach that limit..
I'll just breakdown..

I'm afraid......
I really am..

~ My heart can't possibly break, when it hasn't been whole to start with.. ~
~ You promised you'd always be with me.. maybe in someways you still are.. but I miss you so much.. ~

Went to Tan Tock Seng for my review yesterday..

The doctor was very nice.. :) Friendly too.. Well... I finally found out the name of my condition..

It's known as Vasovagal Syncope (for more infomation click here)

I'll update later when I have more time..

Loads of work coming in now.........

This is how I view things would end..

You walking in front with me tagging behind..
knowing that I hurt so much but I can't seem to do anything and you don't seem to care or you don't want to bother anymore..

OR

Me walking in front trying to walk away from the pain with you walking behind wondering why it came to this..

OR

The both of us walking in different directions, confused and hurt yet not knowing what else to do..

I know that it is not good to talk about things like that especially when we have just started out not so long ago but I really feel this way..
and I don't want to..
but the last 2 days felt that way..

I know I made you angry when I didn't take my lozanges..
I know that I made you upset when I couldn't make it to meet you..
I'm sorry...

But I hope that you'll still bother..
I hope that you'll still care..
at the end of the day..
I hope you'll still be mine..

And I don't want to talk about compromising..
I feel that it should be natural..
I know that you have been real nice and all..
I don't want you to feel alone again..
EVER..
but no matter how I try..
No matter what I do..
I feel that it's not enough..
Because in the end you still tell me that you're used to it..
That it's good to be alone..

It feels like my efforts are futile..
that my love cannot pass those walls built by you..

When you stare at me with those cold eyes that tell me you don't care,
I don't know how to react..
When your voice sounds so icy and distant..
I don't know what to do..

And you say that you're used to it..
that you've been like that in the past..
that you've been like that for your whole life..

Am I that hard to be with?

I feel that I've been very submissive..
I don't really put on a fight whenever you ask me to do things..
And it's not because you force me to do things..
But I do it willingly..
I've never been so submissive to anyone..
Not even to those before you..
And even I rebel against authority at times..

I'm no goody two shoes..
Step on my tail and you'll see what you'll get..
I'm not one who can be pushed around as you like..

Yet..
In front of you..
I'm like a docile lamb,
a gentle dove,
a fragile piece of glass..

I thank you for your constant encouragement..
for your care and concern..
for your love..
for the many things that you've unknowingly gave..
Thank you..
and if you feel that I'm not giving enough..
or that I'm not good enough..
please tell me..

I just hope.....
that you can step out of your loneliness..
that you will not keep rebuilding the wall around you..
that you will walk out and see that there are many people around you who love you..
that you are not ugly and detestable..
that you are worthy to be loved..
that you are intelligent..
that you are wonderful..
that YOU ARE SPECIAL..

And to quote what you told me..
the things that the gifted people make have flaws and holes in them but they're still beautiful..
and so are you..

Baby..
This is dedicated to you..
Love you..




~I'm proud of you baby.. really am..~
~I give my love to you~

Had lunch with Nat over at the teahouse..
It was very nice considering the fact that I haven't seen her in a LONG time..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This song was sung by Daphne yesterday as one of the ending items of NRA Danzation..
It really is extremely nice..
Anyone with the song please tell me..
I would like to have it too..

Do I Make You Proud - Taylor Hicks

I've never been the one to raise my hand
That was not me, and now that's who I am
Because of you, I am standing tall

My heart is full of endless gratitude
You were the one, the one to guide me through
Now I can see and I believe
It's only just beginning

[CHORUS:]

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?

I guess I've learned, to question is to grow
That you still have faith, is all I need to know
I've learned to love, myself in spite of me
And I've learned to walk, the road that I believe

[CHORUS:]

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?

Everybody needs to rise up
Everybody needs to be loved
To be loved

[CHORUS:]

This is what we dream about
But the only question with me now
Is do I make you, do I make you proud?
There ain't no question, just do I make you proud?
Stronger than I've ever been now
Never been afraid of standing out
But do I make you proud?
Do I make you proud?