Today's sermon by Ptr Kortering was really v gd..

It's titled, "Looking at Things Unseen"..

All of us will know what it is to look at the seen.. ppl.. the things ard us.. basically our surroundings.. the things tt our physical eyes can pick up..
Things tt our physical eyes cant pick up can only be seen by faith..

Afflictions.. are physical, emotional n spiritual pain.. they're all feelings tt I'm sure we're able to identify with in one way or another..

We're to.. look at ourselves frm the scope.. the analogy given was a patient in the hospital.. the doctors n the nurses only look at the monitor which shows the patient's heart.. tt's the scope.. cos only in looking at the scope can u be able to see n learn of the present condition..

I've gotta admit.. I didn't manage to do it.. I didn't.. n wasn't doing it..
2 Cor 4:16 states tt the outward man faints while the inward man is renewed day by day..
Yet for my case.. the inward man was fainting as well.. cos I couldn't handle whatever's happening.. n I wanted to give up.. on life itself..

On fri.. aft tt mtg.. I was v upset.. I juz walked out of the office.. I sat in the bus.. n cried all the way frm the pt I gt up.. till the pt I gt down.. I held a pen knife in my hand.. and was very tempted to slit my wrist.. bt thankfully.. I had timon on the phone with me.. N diana who accompanied me thru the nite..

Sat.. I told Lee Hwee to press a spot on his shoulder when she was massaging for him.. n tt left him GLARING at me.. I know u dun like ppl to press tt spot.. bt it's the only spot tt releases tension frm ur shoulders.. I'm sorry..

And all these..
Only shows tt I was giving up on life..

Aft listening to the sermon.. I.. can't say tt I'll give up on him.. cos I'll nv do tt.. bt I know y I'm going thru this..
Sometimes.. in life.. God takes away the ppl.. tt He knows stand a higher position in our lifes.. so tt we'll humble ourselves to His will..
All the pain tt I was going thru.. will still remain.. n I'll still go thru it.. bt I wun concentrate on the pain/affliction tt I'm going thru.. rather.. I'll try to look at the bigger picture..

I'll prob try to close all avenues of getting hurt.. so tt I'll nt focus on the pain tt he's causing or will cause me.. bt direct my attention more towards how I can be there for him..
N I'll still be there for u, my dear..
n for the rest of my frenz..

I sincerely pray for a 2nd chance..
bt if God doesn't grant me..
I pray tt He'll give me the strength.. n courage to accept His will..
tt in all of this..
I'll know tt He's doing it for my good..
for me to learn..

Father..
Help me to understand Ur will..
help me see the path U've planned..
help me to be content..
Father..
pls direct my attn to U.. and nt at my afflictions..
Take away this pain if U will..
bt if nt..
grant me grace to bear it..
tt I might be able to go thru this period of time..
Father, Lord..
U know how much he means to me..
U know how much I love him..
U know how much I need him..
If it's Ur will Father..
tt we can't get back together..
help me to understand.. and nt blame U..
I'm sorry Lord..
for nt trusting in U..
for being so weak..
Help me grow..
Father..
forgive us of our sins..
Wash us in Jesus' precious blood..
In Jesus' Name..
AMEN.

The thing abt ppl..
is tt the closer u r with them..
the more u'll take them for granted..

The closer..
be it in distance..
or age..
or intimacy..
the closer to someone..
the higher the chance..

Maybe it's in-borne..
part of our depraved nature..
tt although.. u know tt tt person is actually impt to u..
u'll still..
in one form or another ignore or nt care abt tt person as much as u're supposed to..

My dear..
I'm sorry..

N for the rest who I've once or will subsequently ignore..
I'm sorry too..

I will try to give u all more attention..

Dear..
I miss u..

I was talking to Timon online this morning..

Know what I found out?
Tt our prob.. didn't only exist between the both of us.. cos many couples face it too.. juz tt ours ended on such a sour note..

Many.. n I repeat.. MANY gals prefer to run away frm the problems than to face them.. it's juz a part of us tt isn't ready to face the problems as yet.. hence "escaping" frm them seemed to be the best alternative.. maybe it's a short-sighted view.. bt most gals do tt..

Enough of comparison.. now down to the actual thing.. I found tt I'm able to relate whatever tt's happened to help others.. I know.. I might nt be of any great help.. bt at least.. I can listen.. n try to give comments (I wun call them advice cos.. they aren't "words of wisdom" or so to speak)

The guys would say tt all they're looking for.. is for their gfs to pay a little more attn to them.. yet the gals dun seem to be giving enough attn..
Guys.. I know u'll get tired giving n giving.. cos it juz seems like she doesn't care n wun give u what u really need and hope to have.. then u all feel empty.. like u no longer know y u're giving so much.. I know... cant expect too much frm u all too.. cos no one is a bottomless well.. tt u can keep giving n nt receive.. all I can say.. is this.. if u really love her.. juz do it.. dun regret nt doing it..
Gals.. as a gal myself.. I know how most of u feel.. we all LOVE to have someone there who'll shower love, care n concern on us 24/7.. bt many times.. all we do is to receive frm them.. thinking tt it's NECESSARY for them to do so.. well.. as ur guy.. they're supposed to do so.. bt it's nt a necessity.. so pls.. appreciate.. n do smtg to show tt u actually do care..

No one can survive on juz knowing tt the other party loves u.. bt isn't doing anything to show tt he/she really loves u.. cos aft trying for a period of time.. the person might start to doubt.. n even if the person doesn't.. he/she might n will eventually get v tired of everything..

Don't.. push things to tt extent.. cos in the end.. u're nt the only one who'll get hurt.. the one u love will get hurt too..
I do nt want to.. or hope to see any other couple end up like the both of us..
cos somewhere within the both of us.. we know tt we still love each other..
juz tt things.. n the time.. isn't rite for the both of us..
at least..
nt now..

N tt.. is all pure guessing.. maybe u no longer love me..
maybe it's wishful thinking on my part..
bt smtg.. juz tells me tt..
n I'm going to hold on to tt hope..
n nt let go..

Unless smtg bad happens later tt changes my mind..
I'm quite sure I wun do what I had planned..
at least nt now..
nt yet..

~No one can survive w/o another person's love.. n w/o loving someone.. ~

Christine used a v interesting analogy.. tt problems are like pimples.. u can squeeze them or leave them alone..
If u leave them alone.. they might boil up n get totally irritating.. else some might disappear on their own..
If u squeeze them.. u muz use the right equipment else u might end up scarring urself..

Maybe tt's what I did.. leave the pimples alone.. cos I hoped they'd disappear.. bt they grew bigger.. n became irritating.. so I went to squeeze.. bt I left scars cos I used the wrong method..

We're like.. carbon tt's gotta be put under tremendous pressure and heat b4 we can become shiny n precious diamonds.. even diamonds have differing grades.. the more u're tried.. the more precious u will be.. each of us are still precious in our own way.. we're all unique..

Like small lights in a world of darkness..
Stars in the dark sky..
Candle in the wind..

Flickering flame?
or burning fire?

Snuff out the light?
or continue burning?

I miss u...

U should have had a great time today.. singing n all.. miss hearing u sing..

Didn't do much today.. was supposed to study.. bt ended up slacking for almost the whole day.. maybe it's cos I was thinking of u.. or some other things.. bt I juz didn't have the mood to study.. holiday mood alr...

Tmr.. morning paper.. 9-11am.. then mtg at 5pm..
Prob going out for a movie in between..
Nt sure...

I juz hope tt I can go thru tmr's paper...

Richard.. u're real nice u know..
thx...
it'll be gd if u can give the attention to someone else who's more worthy of it..
thx for being such a great fren..

Thx guys.. all those who've read n commented..

Thx dar.. Junius.. Peix.. Gaurov.. Richard.. Chris.. Timon.. Meiling.. thx for all ur concern..

Maybe I'm being stupid.. maybe I'm thinking too much.. I know.. life is made up of choices.. MY choices..

I know tt u guys dun n wun help me.. cos it's my prob aft all.. I cant blame u guys.. u're his frenz as well.. u've gotta respect his decisions too.. thx for putting in the effort though.. Thx to Gu, Grace n Kenneth..

I've written letters in case..
I'm still planning to see what I'm going to do on fri..
If everything works out well..

I dunno..

Thank God for Christine's results.. she did well.. for the rest tt didn't do as well.. dun worry k... zhaoz.. u can retake the exams aft ur NS.. else u can consider the poly route..

If I die..
will u all rmb me?

I hope..
tt u'll only rmb the gd times..
n nt my mistakes..
tt u'll rmb the happiness I gave..
n nt the sorrow..

I'm a person who walks into ppl's lives.. hoping to be a blessing.. yet I end up being more of a "curse" to some..
I'm sorry..

I saw Grace's frenz today..
A couple.. together for 3 yrs alr..
Bt they've been apart for 2 yrs in between..
think there's any chance tt we'll be like tt?

If I dun give up on life..
if u dun give up on me..
if God permits..

Should I?
Tt plc holds many memories..
it'll be nice to stay there..
and juz.. remain there..
knowing tt tt's the plc we loved n used to frequent..

The clear sky..
the cool breeze..
the wonderful memories..

And I know..
tt if I chose to do it..
I'll die loving u..

Tt's enough for me..

Bt I'll be giving up on my chance of living..

Something juz tells me to do it.. to do smtg.. tt smtg juz has to be done.. bt I dunno what..
maybe everything will unravel on fri..
maybe...

~ This is nt the freedom I seek for.. I can only find freedom.. in the ropes tt bind me to u.. ~

I dunno how many more posts I can post..

Either it's making me feel v emotional.. or I really dun see the pt to post anymore..

I dun think u're reading it anymore either..
U seem rather set on nt staying as frenz.. much less getting back together..
Maybe.. even if I die.. u wun bother..

And what happened to the love..
I didn't betray ur love..
I wasn't in any other rlsp when I was with u..
they were..
"by name"..
n nt in actual fact..
Wan Hong wanted someone there as a "support"..
Charles needed a "stand-in" to get his bro to get smtg for him..
So what we had were terms..
bt all along..
there was only u..

Nvm..
no matter what I say..
u wun believe me again..
u wun look at me..
wun listen to me..
wun be with me..

Maybe I'm pessimistic..
bt only this fri will tell..

If..
u dun see me on sat..
u'll know what happened..

I learnt this frm a cartoon today..

Frenz.. accept u for u who are.. no matter what mistakes u commit.. no matter whatever u've done against them..
Ppl who really love u.. will choose to oversee all this.. n continue loving u..

Maybe it's cos he really doesn't love me anymore..
or maybe I've really committed too many mistakes..
or maybe it's juz in him to be hard to forgive..

Bt whatever it is..
I love u..
I still do..

Forgive n forget....

Ez to say.. hard to do..
I know one person who isn't going to do tt..

Dear..
I know it's going to be hard for u to forgive me..
although I hope u'll do so..

Self-inflicting of pain can be so fun.. cos it takes away emotional pain.. n u dun really feel it.. bt where does it take u..
Taking of slping tablets can be relaxing.. combined with beer or alcohol n the effect doubles..

The crazy things I can think of..

N I would choose to shut myself up again..

I love u..
U changed me..
I gave u all I could..
now u dun want me..
what else can I do..

All of us..
have broken hearts..
broken lives..

I can accept..
y cant u..

Slitting wrists..
Cutting throat..
Getting banged by a moving vehicle..
Jumping off the building..

Which of this sounds like a feasible method?

Crying myself to slp..
crying in my slp..
n I still cant slp..

Slping tablets dun work..
Alcohol isn't an alternative..

What else can I try?

Prayer..
doesn't send me to slp..

I miss u..
I think of u..
I need u..

Bt u dun want me..
u dun need me..
u despise me..
dislike me..
hate me..
ignore me..

What else can I do...

I'll continue loving u..

~ Shattered hopes.. lost dreams.. broken heart.. fragmented life.. tt's all I have for u.. if u want me.. I'll piece everything back.. all I need is ur love.. ~

I'm sorry.. didn't mean to rant like tt.. juz wanted to let it out..

I wanna share this song with u all..
It's a meaningful song tt has helped me thru a lot.. it helped me accept myself.. even when the past didn't seem gd for me..

Who am I - Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

Chorus:I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

U were my fren.. someone I trusted..
Now I know how it really feels to be lied to by someone u really trust..

U led me into believing tt smtgs tt happened in the past really happened when in actual fact.. it didn't..
This led to me telling him "truths" tt I thot were truths..
N u have the cheek to come n tell me now???

OK.. at LEAST u have the conscience to finally admit to me tt whatever I was forced into believing tt time isn't real.. bt do u know how much it actually affected me? I had a hard time putting it behind me.. n I had to dig it up yest to tell him.. n now u come n tell me tt it didn't happen?!?

All cos u were jealous..
How many times do I have to tell u tt there was NTH going on btwn me n him? I didn't like him AT ALL..

This "revengeful" act of urs has caused me lots of trauma.. n now.. caused me to lose my chance with the one I love..
N u can gloat cos I'm losing someone I love..?
It's nt retribution on my part cos I didn't snatch him away frm u..
N I cant totally blame u either.. cos there're faults tt I've made in this rlsp..

So we're even ok..
U're still my fren.. although I'm really upset abt it.. at least u bothered to tell me the truth..
Dun worry.. ur identity is safe with me.. I wun tell on u..

I juz hope....
tt if he's ever reading this..
tt he'll really forgive n accept me..

I can say tt I didn't really slp last nite.. actually I didn't slp at all.. juz lay on my bed.. staring at the plank.. (cos I'm slping in a double-decked bed)

Today's sermon.. was on heavenly wisdom.. one.. tt all of us lack..

Smtg really spoke to me today.. the wisdom of conduct - meekness..
Meekness is accepting God's will and bearing the injuries of others esp when u've done no wrong..
It's to forgive others who has injured u be it physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually or in any other way..
It is to bear with the injuries inflicted..
To repay gd for the evil done..

It's nt ez.. I know.. cos I used to blame God for whatever's happened.. bt.. it's nt His fault is it..
I've gt 2 choices.. Continue blaming God.. or work at it..
N I've chosen to work at it.. even if it's going to be hard..

Dear..
There were smtgs abt me tt I nv told u.. cos at tt pt in time I didn't trust u enough..... n when it was over.. I didn't see the pt in telling u anymore..

U told me tt the past wasn't impt.. now u cannot accept the truth of my past.. it's nt ez for me to put my past behind me.. n I dug it all up for u.. cos I really didn't want to hide it frm u.. cos I hoped.. tt if I were really truthful abt everything.. tt u'll give me another chance.. n now.. I see things working the other way..

I cannot express how deeply sorry I am for letting it in on u this way.. I cannot tell u how horrible I feel.. bt I know u feel terrible too..
I told u.. cos I saw a future for us.. I still do.. if u'll accept me again..
Bt somehow.. u told me tt we're no longer frenz.. n tt it's no longer possible..

I know it's hard to accept.. I took a long time to accept it too..
I'm nt blaming u..
I juz hope tt u can understand what I'm going thru cos I know what u're going thru..
I hope for another chance.. n I can promise tt I'll nv lie to u again..

I gave u the truth.. n it's too much to bear..
Who would wanna tell the truth this way?
When one capitalised on it.. n the other.. the one u truely love.. keep u at arm's length?

This..
is a wound..
Permanent..
Nv to heal again..

I'm sorry dear..
I really do love u..
bt I suppose it doesn't matter to u anymore..
although it still does to me..

~Words can NV express how I feel.. the feelings to be kept deep inside.. hidden in the depths of my broken heart.. nv to unfold again.. ~

How do u know if a person really loves u..

It's nt by the duration the person knows u.. it's in the things he/she does..
It's nt justified only by his/her actions.. it's the way u feel..
It's nt how much the person know u.. it's nt how much the person is willing to change for u.. it's in how much u're willing to change for tt person..
N how much effort u're willing to put in..

Loving someone..
Means accepting the person for who he/she is.. strengths, flaws n all..
the person's past becomes insignificant cos what matters is the present.. n the future u 2 are going to have together..

If u keep rmbing the past.. of whatever bad tt has happened to u.. or whatever the person did to u.. how r u going to have any future?
Is tt considered loving tt person???

If u really love someone..
can u give up on tt person so ezily?
Dun give me all the crap tt guys r able to get over it ezier cos they're made tt way or cos they juz can..
Cos I dun believe in it..

Ok.. maybe..
Maybe gals r more emotional.. God made us tt way.. we're supposed to be weaker.. n more emotional..
Bt tt doesn't mean tt guys aren't emotional..

Everyone is asking me to give up..
is it cos I'm getting irritating?
or cos ppl think I'm trying too hard?
or they think tt there's no pt in me trying?
or cos there really isn't any pt in my trying?

I know what I want.. what I hope for.. bt I wun be able to get it..
All I can do..
is to hope.. n pray..
N to wait on Him..
tt in His time.. He'll show me what's best..

Richard.. thx for the pic.. really nice.. feels like the song "tong hua"..
U r rite in saying tt I feel insecure..
maybe u're nt the only one who feel tt way frm my writing..
bt the pic is really nice.. I like it a lot..
Thx for dedicating this pic to me.. it kinda tells of what I hope for..
To be safe.. n secure in the plc where I belong..

All the best in ur portfolio.. :)

Trial camp is frm 18th to 23rd Mar..
Actual camp is frm 8th to 14th Apr..

IBSM will fall in between them.. ard the 27th to 7th..

Preparation for IBSM would be 9th, 10th, 13th, 14th, 17th, 20th-22nd Mar..
Briefing on 24th Mar..

Tt means.. I'll be MIA frm trial camp for a while.. haha.. ok.. hope they wun miss me.. :P
Besides.. there's Sham who can help me with the post for a while.. nt v long.. juz 9am - 5pm only.. haha..

U're gorgeous.. did u know?
I nv told u tt did I...
I'm sorry..

The truth is..
although judging by outward looks.. u might nt be considered "gd-looking" by many.. bt who's to judge?
They always say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder"..
N u..
my dear..
are really handsome and attractive..
tt's y u've gt other gals liking u as well..

I was the most impt gal in ur life sometime back..
maybe I'll nv get the chance to ever be again..
bt tt time..
was really the best time of my life..
cos no one loved me the way u did..

U didn't ask me to change for u..
when others would think tt I dunno how to dress.. u took me as I was..
when I wasn't matured enough.. u took it upon urself to lead me..

U were.. a leader in my life..
the rope I could hold on to..
the hand tt would carry me..

Somehow or rather..
I've lost everything now..

Once again fallen into the dark pits..
Or is still falling..

Doesn't matter how it's going to turn out..
cos I'll still try..
I'll still love u..

~There is only one happiness in life.. to love.. and to be loved..~

Managed to do some studying today..

Might nt be coming online for the next few days.. nt so much cos of studying.. bt cos my adaptor's wire burnt.. so.. I've gotta either change my adaptor.. or find some way to do smtg abt it..

Lloyd's been criticising my MSN nicks.. saying tt they're AA..
ok.. maybe they are.. bt they're juz saying what I really feel.. is anything wrong with tt?

I'm feeling a little better today.. at least I'm nt so unstable.. guess the writing really helps.. Thx Chris.. :)
I'll continue writing.. n I'm sure.. at the end of the 11 1/4 yr mark.. I'll def be ok.. else.. I dunno what else I can do.. haha..

Ok.. I think tt's all I can write..
Cos.. my batt's dying..
Haha..

Love u..

~Tell me u love me.. n I'll nv leave u.. again.. really..~

Ok..

This wk isn't gd.. really..

I'm really losing control of myself..
Losing control of my feelings..
Dun feel happy..
Dun feel rite..

If this is what I'm going to have to go thru..
Then this is it..

Today's lesson..
Wait on the Lord..
Although it's hard to do so.. it's a muz..

It might long wait..
It might be yes in the end..
Or no..

N I'm crying again..

I cant seem to control myself..

I'm trying..

I love u..
I really do..
n I'm trying to see if things will get better..

If loving u requires me to let u go..
I dunno how I'm going to do it..
bt try..

I dun want to let u go..
I really don't..

It hurts so much..

What is the world coming to?

Jacky Wu's tv show.. "My Sassy GF".. where the guys bring their gfs on tv to tell of all the bad tt they've did..
One gal used a ash tray to throw at the bf's head n made him kneel before her in front of all his frenz.. n the real reason? Cos he was out for 1 day 1 nite n didn't go home.. so she in a fit of anger, she threw the ash tray at him.. she gt him to kneel in front of her.. cos he begged for her forgiveness..
Another threw dog faeces at her bf cos he angered her by nt agreeing to take care of her dog for her when she wanted to go back to the village and she asked him to put his hand into the public toilet to dig out her hp cos she accidentally dropped her hp into it..
Guess what was the "punishment"? A fit gal came out n wrestled with each of the gfs..

A rlsp is between 2 ppl.. y did they have to dig out such things? Y cant they juz forgive n forget? Y cant they solve the matter btwn the both of them? Did they have to resort to using such humiliating methods? This would become a scar in their rlsps.. n would def be a recurring topic in subsequent quarrels.. is it needed???

2 days ago, a man was killed at Sgoon ave 4.. shot 6 times..
Yest, a pregnant woman was stabbed in the heart with a 46cm long knife..

This would prob be signs tt Jesus is coming back soon..
This world isn't as tolerant n loving as before.. tt's y we needa spread the word.. spread the love..

I would tone down a little on my approach.. exams are round the corner.. I dun want him to be distracted cos of me.. I know I can be a major distrubance.. I dun want things to work against me aft the effort I put in..

I know I miss him.. I know I feel restless n all cos of nt talking to him or seeing him.. bt I guess.. I've gotta live with it for now..

And hope.. n pray.. tt it's only for now..

Really cant seem to concentrate.. my whole mind filled with thots of u, my dear..

I'm trying.. to concentrate on studying.. bt it doesn't seem to work.. maybe blogging it out would..

I miss u like crazy today.. even aft writing it out.. it still doesn't make me feel better..
I dunno y.. bt I'm restless today..

U'll be having test later at 9am..
Then mtg up with grace, gu they all..
U dun even seem to have time for me..
Nt tt I'm worth the time..
bt I juz hope.. n am hoping tt u'd have a little time for me..

I dunno when u'll read this..

I would like to spend some time with u on mon..
if it's possible..

I know it's the exam period.. n u wanna study..
it's all up to u..

Somehow.. I cannot nt think..

Love isn't abt making up for the mistakes.. it's abt forgiving each others' mistakes..

I've forgiven his crudeness.. the way he insulted me n all.. it's all part of the past.. the fact tt he couldn't trust me..
bt he couldn't forgive me..

Maybe nt yet..

How can we ever get back.. if either one isn't willing to change.. or put more effort into the rlsp?
I know tt the last time was my fault.. so I'm going to put in more effort..
bt if he's nt going to be like last time.. put in effort.. n going to remain a lifeless corpse..
then what's the pt..

I guess tt's y we're nt back now..
maybe..
if in time.. we can trust each other fully..
and we really love each other..
with God's blessings..
we'll be together again..

I hope for tt day..

I hope tt u'll forgive me my dear.. I really hope so..

I miss him a lot..

Took an online test on "Is it true love".. guess I should have taken it earlier.. bt it's different now..

He'll be having his tests tmr n fri.. then finals on 26th Feb n 2nd Mar..

I'm really feeling tired.. I dunno y.. it's prob due to the fact tt I stress myself out a lot.. bt then again as compared to him.. he prob slps lesser than me..

Exams r coming.. so I'm going to take my mind off this rlsp issue for a while.. nt totally.. bt at least a little..

Although I wun be v free aft exams.. I'll still make time for him.. there's always time.. it's only up to me to see when I can make it.. n him to see if he wanna see me or nt..

~ And between now & then.. till I see u again.. I'll be loving u.. love me..~

Today was filled with highs n lows..

Dozed off aft finally finishing of the preparations for today.. so I was LATE!

He called me at 10 to tell me tt he juz woke up.. n tt he had to reach sch by 12.. so I had no time..

I rushed down to collect the flowers.. met nat at the bus stop opposite the mrt station n passed her her V day pressie..

Then gave him his 1st set of present.. a set of 5 candles.. heart shaped with a rose on top of each.. scented too..

Went to sch.. n gave him the rest.. a bouquet of 3 blue roses, chocolates n a hand-made card.. a jacket which was a little small for him bt the biggest size they have alr.. n a home-made tiramisu cake..

He criticized n insulted either the cake or me.. haha..
N treated me as though I were a piece of glass..
I was hurt.. bt adament tt I wun cry..
Lotsa ppl could see tt I was hurt.. maybe he could too..

Bt later.. he thanked me for it.. at least he likes it..

Diana n I exchanged gifts.. I gave her her rose stand n she gave me a bouquet of 3 champange roses.. so nice.. :)

Thx a lot dar..

We went to orchard to change ak's prezzie.. then headed to bishan for dinner - KFC..

Overall..
I learnt tt it doesn't take much to make a person's day.. a simple rose can make Grace n nat happy..
spending time with dar can make her happy..
putting effort to come up with stuff n spending time with him isn't all tt much effort too..

Found a long lost item a few days back.. his necklace and the puzzle ring..
Is this a gd sign tt we'll have a chance to get back together cos it's been lost a long while n yet I'm still able to find it?
Or does it mean things lost can be found.. bt love lost is gone?

I'll still keep trying..

It's Valentine's day!!!

Happy Valentine's to all! :)

I gave him a little smtg yest.. a heart container with 3 roses in the centre and xiang si dou surrounding it.. n a little card..
Dunno if he liked it.. hope he did..

I'll be giving him some other stuff later..

Nt hoping for much.. juz tt he likes it.. n is happy..

Pls.. do nt criticise him..
U all might do so cos u all might think it's unfair for me.. bt it's nt..
I'm doing all this willingly..
He didn't force me..

Wan Hong.. u alr have a gf.. dun keep asking me y I'm nt doing for u the things I'm doing for him.. u want someone to cook for u n make cakes for u.. ask her.. nt me.. dun expect me to do it.. cos I wun..

Alan.. thx for ur concern.. n although u wun be reading this.. I really dun need nor want what u're offering..

Later..
what I aim to achieve is to bring happiness to him..
I dun mind doing everything..
only to make him happy..
then I'll be..

I've nv spent V day attached..
at least I spent the last b'day attached..
memorable one..
memories of tt I'll always keep..

Thx dear..
Hope tt u'll gain some joy in whatever I'll be doing later..

Frm this..
I learnt..
tt there's more joy in making other ppl happy than to try to be happy urself..
tt only with u, can I really smile with real joy..

Learnt a lot in church today..

Tt love.. is nt lust.. I mean.. tt's common knowledge..
bt love isn't love till there's God in it.. meaning if u cant trust ur rlsp to God.. u cant pray abt it to Him.. it isn't love.. can I do tt abt mine? I'm sure I did..

I'm surprised tt during lessons.. when asked to comment.. I could give informational, heart-felt n gd comments n examples..
Things like..
Pride is a characteristic of the heart tt is hard to control..
tt many times we take matters into our own hands n follow our wants n desires.. is a form of being proud cos we dun trust in God's plan n providence..

Ok.....

What would u do if..
He'll nv change for u again..
He'll nv stop smoking although he knows tt u dun like smoke.. n dun like him to..
He'll nv treat u like b4..

Would u still try???

I am..
cos I believe he still loves me..
cos I hope tt he would change for me again.. n treat me like b4..

Bt then again..
I've gt no rite to demand for anything..

He nv fully trusted in me when we were together.. prob due to the fact tt I nv told him everything..
N now..
He def doesn't trust me..

It's all in the heart n mind..

N for all I know..
My feelings n deductions might be wrong..
He might be dead to me alr..

Bt I still choose to believe..
N try..

Cos..
I dun wanna regret nt trying..
If we can get back together.. it'd mean tt he's the one..
I'll cherish him more..
I'll work hard for it..

Cos..
I still have what it takes to do it.. to try..
To give everything..
Although I might be hurt badly in the end..

Cos..
I know tt no other guy can n will be as impt as him in my life..

Cos..
I still love him..
N no..
It's nt lust..
Cos I can pray abt it..
I can leave it to God..

Leaving it to God doesn't mean I'll stand here.. arms folded.. nt doing anything..
It means.. I'll accept whatever ending God gives.. while working at it now..

My analogy of the situation is..

He's built a thick wall.. (n is still at it)
n I'm dashing straight against it head 1st..
which is totally dumb..
cos I'll DIE b4 reaching him..

Now I'm trying a softer approach..
checking the wall for a "loose brick" or smtg..
taking picks n chisels to dig out the cement at the joints..
trying to pry open any cracks along the lines..
if he continues building..
I'll still DIE b4 reaching him..

What can I do..

I can only hope n pray tt while I'm doing whatever I am..
he wun continue building..
I know u're frm Building n Estate Management.. so u'll be able to build faster than I can tear down..
bt I'm trying my best..
till I get to u..
or till I'm totally brutalized..

Till I know tt it's no longer possible..
I'll try..

I still pray for u..
like I've did b4 we were together..
when we were together..
more so now than b4..

U can be unappreciative of whatever I've done or am doing..
it's all up to u..

In the end..
u're the one making the choice..

Nt me...

I saw him yest.. and gt VERY upset.. I cant exactly rmb y.. bt I was v upset.. we had a little "tiff" using sms.. n I dun wanna think abt y we had it too.. it muz have been bcos of my irritating qns again..

Today was worst.. I seemed to have made diana angry.. cos of how I am..
Bt.. I gt to talk to him.. as in really talk.. he said tt it's hard for us to get back together again.. n I totally understand y.. it's the heart tt doesn't feel.. n the mind tt keeps repeating.. "It might happen again".. although he said tt he isn't like b4.. tt he would nv be tt romantic guy again.. he was warm n gentle today..

During tbc.. he was close to Claire.. I've gotta admit.. she looks gd.. pretty.. great figure.. n I'm really v jealous.. I look at the way she talk to him.. the way she flirts n all.. I've gt nth to say.. really.. n we're on longer together.. it'd def be much worst when we were together n he was the one facing it..

And I've learnt smtg today..

Tt I wasn't looking all along.. I was following either my "feelings" or "desires" n I didn't see the other path/s tt God has put in front of me..

Now.. I've made a decision.. I'm nt going to run for union next yr.. yes.. this means tt there won't be any experienced yr 3 nxt yr.. bt it's a choice I've gotta make.. it's the choice of responsibility against what I really gain..

This yr.. I've lost more than what I've gained.. I gt into SU.. bt in the end.. I lost him cos I didn't have enough time.. I was spending time on other stuff like union stuff n things like poly forum.. which.. w/o it.. might nt have sparked off a whole series of quarrels.. which led to this..

Then again.. if I didn't go thru this.. I wun have learnt so many things rite?

Tt's prob what it means by God has His plans.. tt everything has it's plc in time.. everything's alr planned by God..

Arh.. another thing learnt.. or re-learnt..

I'm going to try.. I'm going to put my heart n soul into it.. to make u trust me again..

Although God gave us choices.. we've gotta work at it.. and nt juz let it go like tt.. like opportunities, it doesn't come twice..
There are ppl who say tt things tt are meant to be urs would be urs.. what's nt would nt be.. bt then again.. if u dun try.. if u dun work at it.. how would u know?

Life.. u've gotta learn n improve..

Sent amanda off to auckland at the airport.. the crowd tt gathered was really BIG.. unlike Charles'.. aft he boasted tt there would be many ppl coming to send him off.. guess tt's the difference between church and nt going to church.. he had less than 10 ppl.. she had abt 35.. vast difference huh..

Had the chance of seeing him today.. though I only caught a glimpse.. bt I knew it was him.. it's a kinda charm tt only he could exude.. he was with 2 gals.. n it's weird.. although I knew tt they were his classmates.. I couldn't help bt feel jealous.. maybe it's cos they've got more chance to be with him, around him than I do.. and I nv felt jealous when I was together with him..

I called him using "official" business as an "excuse".. cos I had to know.. and I really miss hearing his voice.. although we only conversed for abt 1 over min.. it was great hearing his voice again..

And I'm happy today.. n I finally know y.. it's nt only cos of tt glimpse or his voice.. bt oso cos of excitment..
I wun tell u all what it's all abt..
Wait n see.. wait n see..

Today's day 2 of my "stunts"..

It juz basically means tt it's day 2 of my "burning midnite oil"..

Last morning slept at 8+, 9am n woke up at ard 11.. I was surprised I actually managed to stay awake.. actually.. I was rather awake the whole day.. only felt fatigue creeping in in the evening.. I came home.. went to slp immediately.. had 4 hrs of slp.. n now I'm on my 2nd day of "nt slping"..

I dun exactly think I can keep up with this for long..

Exams are round the corner..

25th Feb (Sat) - FMGT
27th Feb (Mon) - BLAW
1st Mar (Wed) - HRM
3rd Mar (Fri) - CMA

It's every alt day.. sigh.. meaning I've gotta start studying like real soon..

Tired...

Diana knocked some sense into me yest.. she said tt the end of a rlsp isn't the end of the world.. it's the beginning of a new chpt..

Tt's looking at things in a more positive light..

She told me things tt struck me..

In every rlsp.. u learn frm each other.. and at the end of it.. u muz look back and find out what the other party has taught..
I agree with tt.. in my rlsp with him.. I learnt a lot..
Even with the break up.. I'm still learning..

I've learnt how to love.. our love for each other might have been shown in different ways.. bt we still loved each other..
I've learnt tt a rlsp muz and can only be worked out with both parties.. cos it'll nv work out with one party trying hard.. and the other party nt trying as hard..
I've learnt tt quality time doesn't mean quantity time.. an hr or 2 together can be better than spending the whole day together..
I've learnt tt although I'm a gal.. n would prefer guys to take the lead n make the decisions, I cant juz go saying I dunno..
I've learnt tt it's v impt to voice out whenever there's a prob.. nt to wait.. or keep it inside.. cos at the end of the day.. it's the rlsp tt suffers..
I've learnt.. the hard way.. to nt take for granted the ppl tt are most impt to me..
I've learnt tt u can nv have the best of both worlds.. u have to give n take..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've learnt tt regret is nv the cure.. u seldom/nv have the 2nd chance to voice it.. u juz gotta do it right the 1st time..
I've learnt tt tears.. somehow.. will nv run dry when u still have feelings.. it only dries up when u dun feel anymore..
I've learnt tt turning back.. is nv a choice.. cos many a times.. there isn't this choice.. or road tt u can choose..

Thru this...
I've also rediscovered..
tt loving someone is the simplest.. yet the hardest thing to do..
tt I knew things like.. in simplicity, there's complexity.. n in complexity, simplicity..
tt although God dictates.. we're given choices.. n chances..
tt to learn.. I've gotta face it, accept it.. n then move on..

It's nt ez.. I know..
Cos..

When no one was able to find me.. u found me.. u found the me tt I nv dared to show anyone else bt u..
U made the effort to search for the one I truely am.. n nt the one I portray myself to be..
U helped me to nt be afraid to show u who I am..
U gave me the confidence tt u'll love me for who I am n nt who I show myself to be..

U...

Woke up extremely early in the morning.. went down to KAP n gt me their v 1st set of hotcakes.. sent it down to sch for me.. n I was still slping..

Ate a tub of ice cream with me.. Haagen Daaz Macademia Brittle.. at my void deck though it was pouring cos I had the craving for it..

Came back frm ur trip to aussie n bought me a necklace.. giving it to me in the most special way.. with me lying down.. a scented candle on each my left n my right.. the box in the centre..

Made a pt to ask my dad for permission.. talked to my dad n really listened to what he said..

Knelt in front of so many ppl in public n put a ring on my finger.. for our 1st mth..

Asked me which star in the sky I wanted.. caught it.. n gave it to me..

Carefully crafted a wax heart from melting the blueberry scented candle n burnt ur fingers cos of it..

Bothered to make my b'day a memorable day for me.. 2 bouquets of roses.. another glass one.. the candles on the car park deck.. n the lighting of the candles all the way up frm the 5th lvl to the deck where u carefully arranged the words, "Happy B'day dear".. n u.. n the earrings tt u specially chose to fit the occasion..

Bought me a miniature bottle of my favourite perfume..

Cautiously placed tea candles outside SU with zaid to light the way.. on our 7th mth.. cos we had it in sch..

Prob u're the only guy tt would do all tt..

N I.. will keep all these in my heart.. I'll nv forget all of this.. n no.. I didn't have to refer anywhere for this.. I rmbed all of them.. and will continue to..

If God allows.. if He opens ur heart.. help u to believe in Him.. trust in Him.. if He opens way for us to be together again.. I'll def nt mess up like I did.. I'll cherish u better.. love u.. show more care n concern..

Bt if nt.. this.. would be the last time u'll ever see me say this..

I'm sorry.. I was too childish.. too greedy.. bt I really love u.. maybe now.. u'll treat all tt I'm saying as "bullshit".. bt all these.. are true.. are real.. are words.. frm the bottom of my broken heart..

Lao gong.. wo ke neng yi jing bu shi ni de gong zhu le.. dan zai wo xin li.. ni yi zhi dou hui shi wo de wang zi..

*Loving someone means.. nt judging him..

Loving someone means.. taking his strengths, flaws n all..

Loving someone means.. working out the differences no matter how hard..*

I'm a little phobic to blog nowadays.. like I dun have anymore privacy of which I had intended on keeping when I added a password to my blog.. which was to be GIVEN to those who I felt tt I could give.. n at least keep tt little bit of privacy to myself..

No.. I dun blame u.. bt I cant come to terms with it.. at least nt yet.. in doing so.. u're giving me the feeling like I'm being watched.. like I'm living under survellience.. which.. I'm sure no one (urself included) likes.. If u're reading this.. u'll know who u r.. there're somethings done.. tt cant be undone.. decisions made tt will affect whatever the outcome is.. n this.. is the outcome..

Charles.. if u're reading.. I juz wanna tell u to nt be angry with me.. I know.. I cant control ur feelings n emotions.. bt this is the best I can do.. let's juz remain as we are.. wait till u finish ur studies.. n IF.. u still have feelings for me.. or love me like u claim u do.. then we'll talk abt it.. 2 1/2 yrs isn't a long time.. bt neither is it short.. u can meet different ppl there.. n might prob find someone u think fits u better than me.. so I'm nt going to try to tie u down.. u can have ur freedom..

Shingo.. yest's convo really was heart-rending for me.. I'm sure u know how the words would have hurt if I was the one who said them.. bt yest, it was the other way ard.. u treated all tt I've said as "bullshit" n nt take a single word.. I would rather choose to believe tt we had tt convo cos u still cared.. n nt cos u didn't care anymore..
I know.. I've hurt u deeply.. and I really would like to do smtg to make up for it.. if only u'll permit me..

Chris told me tt if u walk thru life.. thinking tt u've missed out on the best, u'll miss out on the rest..
Bt...
if u know.. tt u've alr missed out on the best.. how do u keep moving on?

True love only comes once.. if u dun cherish it.. u'll prob nv get a chance at it again..

U all might think tt I'm a small gal.. ok.. maybe at times.. I really portray myself to be.. in my actions n words.. bt it's nt all the time tt I'm like tt..
Sometimes I know things bt I dun say.. smtimes it seems I dun think.. bt other times I think too much..
N I dun ask for a lot.. I dun require a lot..
Bt at times.. there's complexity in simplicity..
In the same way there's pain in joy.. n vice versa..

I didn't manage to slp yest.. I slept at 5+.. crying myself to slp..
Yes.. I admit.. it's going to take time for me to heal.. and then again.. I might nv heal..
I know ppl r trying to help.. Shu Hui, Chris, Grace, Diana, Nat.. n others who'd help in other ways..
Bt it's nt going to be ez.. no one said it'd be so hard..

I cant act oblivious or indifferent.. I'm too emotional for tt now..

I can only hope n pray.. asking God for His guidance n peace.. tt I'll be able to go thru this.. cos I know tt I dun have the strength to do it on my own..
Things I want.. ppl I need.. those I finally realise are impt to me.. those tt I wilfully gave up on.. those tt have been with me, for me all this while..
I pray tt God will keep them safe..
Pray tt God will show me the way..

N I know.. if God permits.. u'll be mine.. if nt.. u wun..
N all.. happens in His careful planning.. according to His time..
while I'm trying to piece my life back..

*what's urs is urs.. what isn't.. will nv be.. no matter how hard u try..*

Life seems to be a little repetitive for me recently.. Proj, test, proj, test.. n tt juz seems to be it.. unending

Went to send Charles, Louis, Matthew n the parents off yest.. Hester, Nat n Norman was there too.. aft tt, stephy sent me back in Nicholas' vehicle..

Today, went to Kai Siong's plc to visit.. his parents are still as warm as usual.. n they actually rmbed nat n I.. cool! Haha.. Kai Siong's grown a little taller.. still shorter than me.. bt taller than nat alr..

I'm still stuck at my ECD proj.. sigh..

Was given a 3 days MC for my shingles.. what's tt? It's like 2nd round of chickenpox.. it's VERY ITCHY N PAIN!!!! n there're lotsa things I cant eat cos of tt.. no seafood, nuts, dark soya sauce.. sigh..

Feeling a little tired cos of the medication.. bt it sure takes long for the medication to take effect.. cos it's supposed to stop the itch n pain.. bt it's still itchy n pain.. really feel like taking another one.. bt dun think can..

So.. I juz hafta wait.. n do my ECD.. cos gotta hand in tmr..

Today isn't a v gd day..

Kinda "quarrelled" with diana today.. she totally ignored me.. didn't have the mood to do anything.. or to go anywhere for tt matter.. sigh..

I've gt shingles.. or "snakes".. as what the older ppl call it.. it hurts.. LIKE CRAZY!!! It's itchy too.. bt I think more painful.. went to see the doc juz now.. cost me $57.. like SOOOO EX!!! Thankfully Jiawei came down to help me pay 1st.. thx man..

Nth really seems to be going rite..

In some ways.. it's my fault.. maybe.. in many ways it is..

Shingo.. Diana.. Charles..
who else..

Maybe..
in being by myself..
I wun hurt others..

Then I can learn on my own..
how to handle things..

In being alone..
I might be able to gain insights to things which I've nv known..

Maybe........

N if u're going to ignore me n nt bother abt me anymore...

I'd nv wanted to hurt anyone.. bt in this few wks.. I've hurt more ppl than I'd ever expected to..

Shingo..
I'd nv wanted to hurt u the way it turned out.. I really really love u.. I didn't break up with u cos I didn't love u anymore.. bt cos things really shouldn't carry on like tt.. the things we did.. the things we didn't.. the words we said.. those we left hanging.. maybe I was thinking too much.. maybe I didn't think enough..
In those 7 over mths u were the one who was always there for me.. beside me.. although we had many probs.. we always seemed to be able to go thru it.. together..
I.. let u go.. cos I didn't wanna fight anymore.. I didn't wanna continue quarrelling.. cos no matter what we said or did.. we'd always end up quarrelling again..
In a way.. it's gd tt we're nt quarrelling now.. although it still hurts.. u seem to be doing fine.. I would suppose time heals all pain.. bt memories still remain..
I hope.. tt u'll only rmb all the happy times tt we had.. n nt the sad n painful ones.. it's true tt ppl learn frm pain.. bt I really hope the pain remains only during the "moving phrase"..

Charles..
I dunno if u'd be reading this..
Whatever hurt I've caused.. I'm sorry.. really am.. like what u always say.. dun look at the past.. look at the present n to the future rite?
2 1/2 yrs.. isn't a long time.. bt neither is it short.. if u can do it.. y cant I?

Everything..
is nt within my control..
bt I'm the one who makes the choices..
so am I leading the life?
or am I being led?

Some decisions aren't given a turning pt.. it's either yes, or no.. no maybe..

Many times things take a turn for the worst.. bt some can turn for the better..
Who doesn't want things to turn out for good for them?

All along.. I've believed in nv making decisions tt I would regret.. in this past few mths.. I think I have made decisions tt I felt I regretted making.. bt making in all of this.. I'll nt regret a thing in the end..

Junius told me and reminded me of Romans 8:28
"For all things work together for good to them who love Him, to them who are the called according to His purpose."

A "mistake" or "regret" on my part might nt be one in His sight.. n it's probably a choice or a path tt I have to take in learning.. in growing up to be more like Him..

I might have regretted in letting him go.. bt it's all part and parcel of learning..
Maybe in time I'll see y it's like this now..
Maybe this is to teach me how to cherish ppl better..

I know who I cannot lose.. I know y I cant lose tt person.. cos tt person has ALWAYS been there for me.. has nv despised or gave up on me no matter how many mistakes I've committed.. no matter what I've done to upset tt person..

I thank God for u.. I thank God for putting u in my life.. to support me when I'm down n out.. to be with me when I'm happy.. for the past few yrs u'll always been by me.. nv leaving me..
I thank God for giving u someone u love.. someone who'll hopefully stand by u for the rest of ur life.. I cannot give u what he can..

And thru all this.. we learn how to be stronger..

I am.. like what most guys call me.. a xiao mei mei..
Cant think for myself.. or rather.. would choose nt to think..
N in the course of nt thinking..
Hurt many others.. n myself..

Shingo.. I've gotta admit.. I really.. like to say I dunno.. many a times nt cos I really dunno.. bt cos I juz dun wanna think so much.. I've caused u pain.. and sorrow.. bt I hope I left happy memories too..

Charles.. in this past few wks.. I know I haven't been totally truthful to u.. I'm sorry.. Maybe saying sorry will nv make up for it.. bt I really am..

Whatever's done's done.. whatever can be changed will take it's course in time..
No one knows what will happen in the future..
Bt yes..
I'll wait..

Haven't been able to blog for sometime.. passed my lan card to MEL to get it exchanged.. and I can only get it back today..

The past few days was bad.. it feels like he's losing feeling for me.. everything.. feels different..

What can I expect.. it's my fault.. I cant expect tt he come back to me.. or tt he'll give me another chance at it anyway..

I'm trying.. I dun even know if I'm trying to forget.. or trying to get him back..

I still love him.. I really still do..

He's losing the warmth in his hugs.. the spark in his eyes..
Even when I wanna hug him.. I dunno if I still should.. cos his hugs feel different..

I would rather...
rmb the way he used to hug me n look at me..
the warmth he used to give me..
the love, care n concern tt he used to provide..
the security tt he willingly n selflessly gave..
I miss all those..

Many a times ppl only miss things or ppl when they're gone..
This..
1 of the 2 things tt I regret doing..
Giving him up..

I...
hope it's still not too late for regrets..

A rlsp is like a piece of paper.. fragile in ways.. bt it can also be written on.. all the happenings can be written on tt piece of paper.. and if God allows.. it can become a book..
Crumpled paper can be ironed out.. although there'll be creases here and there.. it shows how much a couple's been thru..

If I'm still worth it.. tell me..
If I'm nt.. I'll walk out of ur life.. n sincerely hope and pray tt u'll find someone better than me.. someone who u'll love more than me.. n someone who'll love u more than me..

ceng jing you yi duan zhi zhen de ai qing fang zai wo mian qian dan wo mei zhen xi, deng dao shi qu de shi hou cai hou hui mou ji.
ren shi jian zui tong ku de shi mo guo yu ci, ru guo you tian ke yi duo gei wo yi ci ji hui de hua, wo hui dui ni suo san ge zi: wo ai ni.
ru guo yi ding yao zai zhe fen ai jia yi ge qi xian, wo xi wang shi yi wan nian.

It'd be 8 mths.. if I had nt been so dumb..

I do hope tt there would be a 2nd chance.. bt I might nt get it cos I juz ruined it..

Whatever it is.. I thank God for u dear.. thank u for everything u've done too..

Even if u dun hug me back.. I'm thankful that I'll be able to hug u.. :)

Love u..

Regret.. is nt enough to describe how I'm feeling..

I'm back..

Alone..

N it's all my fault..

I let go of someone who loved me with his all..
Juz cos I said smtg..

Yah.. I'm still a small gal.. I'm nt strong enough.. n I'm losing everything..

Him.. my family's many probs.. a lot of other stuff..

God.. I'm sorry.. I know I've said this a thousand times.. and it seems.. tt it's always at this kinda situations tt I'll really know..
What matters.. who matters.. y they matter..
Bt everytime.. it's too late..
This time.. it took longer.. more time.. more memories.. more pain I've caused..

I'd be lying to say tt I've dried up.. cos I've nt..
I'm still crying..

Yah.. no use crying over spilt milk.. esp when I'm the one who spilt it myself..

The mistake has always been with me.. it's always my fault..
N even if I know where went wrong..
What went wrong..
Everything is going to remain wrong..
Cos there's NTH tt I can do..

Bt to sit..
stare..
think..
reminsce..
n see him be happy with someone else..
when tt could have been my plc..

The stupid things I've done..
I'm so dumb..

I would suppose tt it's normal for a person to be jealous.. if u like tt person..

What if u have no rite to be jealous.. then... what do u do?

I dun suppose I'll get over this soon.. I still have to try hard to fight back tears..

He's gt the ability to make me laugh.. n smile..
He's the only one who can make me feel the way he does..

I dun expect I can find another one like tt..

He's been happy w/o me.. he's been living happily.. he's able to..
He's told me to grow.. to be more mature..
I know what I want.. now tt I'd be unable to get it..

I've gotta learn.. n be strong on my own..

Dar.. I'm sorry.. I really am..

I saw him in sch.. was wondering whether to walk over or nt.. in the end I did..

I miss his hugs, his smell.. the way he'd whisper in my ears n tell me tt things will be fine.. the way he used to look at me.. the gentle tone in his voice..

He's moved on.. n is telling me to..

Guess tt I'm nt as strong as I'd hope I'll be.. I'm still reliant.. tt's y they say I'm still a small gal.. I'm sure I've grown thru the yrs.. bt maybe the way I am resistant to making certain decisions show tt..

I pray tt I'll grow.. in faith.. in grace.. in peace.. in God's word..
May I one day know what to do..

I dunno what's up..

Passed my CMA.. 69/100..

I'll be VERY bz this wk.. No time to go out.. gotta rush deadline.. BLAW proj nt touched.. HRM nt done.. everything's hanging..

I'm lost n confused.. I know he's alr given up..

The past wk I've been thinking abt him a lot.. the things we've done.. the plces we've gone.. the joy, laughter.. sorrow, tears.. Listening to our song brings tears to my eyes..
I know.. I've chosen to let him go.. nt cos I dun love him.. bt cos I muz..

I knew it wun be ez.. bt I didn't know it'd be tt hard.. his pic is still in my wallet.. his neoprints n photo holder is still in the office.. I'm still wearing the rings..
Maybe it's cos I haven't let go..
Maybe I juz need more time..
Bt I know.. I'll nv be the same again..
Cos everything..
is going to change..

He's no longer here..

Went out with diana n nat.. had a great time..

I'd be lying if I say tt I didn't hurt.. I hurt like crazy..
I know.. 2 wks.. I cannot guarantee tt he'll come back.. I can't be sure tt he'll nt find another gal there.. maybe I'm really blinded..

The way u put things.. the way u say it.. really cuts my heart..

I thot of u the whole day.. ask the both of them.. they know..
I looked at our neoprints.. the rings.. the plces we've been to.. n I juz feel like crying.. my heart aches with every rememberance of u..
N y do I still make this choice?
Cos I'm sick n tired of quarrelling.. I dun wanna quarrel anymore..

I'm sorry.. I wanted to put down the hp nt cos I was going to study.. the actual fact is tt I've gt no mood to study alr.. it's juz tt I dun wanna talk anymore..

I know u still care..
Thx..
I still care too..

I know I haven't been blogging.. tt's cos I haven't been home the past few days.. many things have happened this past wk...

I juz finished my FMGT test.. I did nt bother to really check my paper cos I was dozing off.. so I juz did what I could n handed in the paper..
BLAW n CMA.. was ok.. I'm juz hoping I'll pass..

Smtg happened btwn me n him.. I kinda broke up with him.. I can no longer take his temper n all.. I thot I was over it.. I thot I could be cool abt it.. nt cry.. dun really feel hurt at all.. bt I was VERY wrong.. I cried for at least a whole hr yest when I told him..

It's hard nt to have emotions esp aft we've been together for 7 over mths.. for the past 7 mths n 19 days we've had many happy times.. bt we've oso quarrelled A LOT.. what I didn't want to see is us quarrelling everyday.. n tt's what we've been doing for the past 3 mths.. it somehow seems tt no matter what I do.. even if I dun raise my voice or quarrel with him.. he still manages to do it..
I'm nt trying to ask him to keep everything to himself.. bt it's juz upsetting to quarrel..

He asked me for a 2nd chance.. I dunno.. for the past few mths I've been thinking.. Many times I see the sign.. I know what I'm supposed to do.. bt I juz press on.. hoping tt one day.. the ending would be different.. tt there'll be a rainbow aft the storm.. bt somehow.. it turns out to be the other way.. Both of us get hurt.. God's nv in the pic.. n tt's prob y it's like this now.. if He was in the pic in the beginning.. we wun even quarrel.. n we wun have today's situation..

Dear.. I'm sorry.. forgive me for being so selfish..
I cant like 2 ppl at the same time..
So I'm giving u 2 a fair chance..
I know u dun wanna give me up..
I know how impt I am to u..
bt hope n pray..
He'll always be there for u..
as I'll be..
as ur fren..

I dunno what'll happen tmr.. I dunno anything..

Juz reminds me of the song...

I dunno abt tmr
I juz live frm day to day
I dun bother 'bout the sunshine
for the sky may turn to grey
I dun worry over the future
for I know what Jesus say
many things abt tmr
for He knows what is ahead

Many things abt tmr
I dun seem to understand
Bt I know who holds tmr
n I know who hold my hand..

I cant rmb if this is the exact lyrics.. bt I'll try to find..

I FINALLY gt my lap top back.. sorry for nt blogging guys..

Things have been on the rocks for the both of us recently.. he keeps saying tt I dun have time for him.. tt I dun care.. dun bother..

Maybe it really is me.. my fault for nt having time for him.. bt still he shouldn't have said somethings he said..

We quarrelled on the hp 2 early mornings before.. it lasted for 2 over hrs.. n ended with me saying tt I wanted to go to slp.. bt the truth is far frm tt.. I couldn't slp till 6+, 7..

I was supposed to go out with Xian Xiang yest.. in the end.. I went to catch a movie with him instead.. nt tt I mind.. bt I had to let Xian Xiang find his own entertainment.. So sorry.. I was juz trying to do smtg to hopefully salvage the situation..
He's sick.. wanted to find med to bring for him.. bt couldn't find it.. so didn't go down.. Besides.. I was sick.. n I took med 1 hr before I decided to go to slp.. n he msged me to say tt I didn't care..

In all this.. I was at fault.. for nt respecting him.. for nt caring enough.. for being too bz n caught up with my stuff..
He said I've changed.. I wasn't like this b4.. I showed him due respect n all b4 this.. maybe I did.. maybe all tt's happened is a sign..

It's no longer a choice.. It's a final decision.. whether to stick thru it.. or to choose the easier.. yet harder choice.. I dun wanna think of tt as a choice..

Nth.. is fair.. U might be selfish n want what u hope to have bt nth is as simple as it seems.. U all might tell me nt to think so much.. bt prob it's juz me.. the same as him.. he totally LOVES to be pessimistic over EVERYTHING n even when I tell him otherwise.. He'll still think in tt way.. n am I to take the blame for everything? It's nt fair when ALL the blame is pushed to me in a quarrel although I know tt I do have my misgivings.. n it isn't fair tt we're quarrelling!

I guess tt there are alternatives to learning what u muz learn n to do what u muz.. n nt juz what u feel like doing.. tt's the difference between who u are.. n who u think u are..

Now.. I dunno what I want.. I dunno what is happening.. y it is.. bt I guess.. in time.. I will..

It all takes time...

Watched Chronicles of Narnia yest.. it's VERY nice..

There's a meaning behind it..

There's a part where Aslan was killed.. the meaning behind it is v significant.. it's like telling us of Jesus' death.. when He died although He was innocent.. and was resurrected.. He chose to die for us although we've sinned.. and He did it willingly..

Winter's gone.. Spring's here.. Winter means the cold hearts.. and Spring means the melting of the hearts.. shows tt with faith, the sunlight of the the heart.. it'll melt all hearts.. and can only be done by faith.. God..

U all should watch the show.. really good..

Christmas.. what's the true meaning of it?

It's nt the receiving of presents.. neither is it the giving of it.. the true meaning of it is that God gave His only Son to come and save His ppl.. it's Jesus' birth.. and the meaning behind it..
Christmas.. is nt "juz another holiday".. it's a day worth of celebrating.. nt cos it's a holiday.. bt cos of God's gift to us.. which is the best gift of all..

Dear.. hope tt u'll understand it in time..

The past wk was one hectic week.. VERY bz.. sigh..

Challengers camp was ok.. quite fun.. bt I was stuck in the Welfare room for the whole 3 days.. :(

Tai tai came.. wah.. she made the camp turn out to be quite.. hmmm.. I dunno..

She's the best.. she went flirting with guys.. (she's a les mind u..) n she actually sat on his lap.. ARGH!!!

She could order Mac in for breakfast.. and scolded the telephone operator in the course of doing it..

Ok.. I shall nt talk so much abt her..

Chalet was fun! Didn't do much bt spent some meaningful time with the bunch of them.. Dar, ak, greg, lloyd, shishi n KY.. went arcade.. bowling.. haha..
Saw Qing Nan n Kelvin there..

Today.. dear was angry with me..
Then we quarrelled in public for the 1st time.. like EVERYONE was staring.. cos he was so loud.. n although I didn't raise my voice.. ppl could see tt I was agitated..

I finally gt the internet up.. AT LAST!!! aft such a LONG time...

Wanna slp alr.. nitez!

Love u dear.. love u dar..

One of the MANY things guys shouldn't do... is to ask a gal to be ur gf.. then tell her a few days later tt the reason for u asking.. is cos u wanted ur bro to get u smtg frm overseas n he asked u to find urself a gf first..

Pls..

Tt'll hurt..
She knows tt u're nt serious abt it.. so things wasnt tt bad..
Bt imagine..
What IF...
She didn't know..
n she really liked u..

Even for this case..
she was still upset..
What did u treat her as?
How can she nt be angry?

U're one fortunate guy..
Nv in ur life have u courted a gal..
yet u've gt gfs b4..

Maybe tt's y u dunno how to treat gals..
cos u nv tried doing ANYTHING b4..
Maybe tt's y they say u're a bad bf..

Maybe..

I wun know...

Gd news n bad news.. which 1st..

Ok.. I shall start with the bad..

Whatever I'm going through.. is repeating again.. n I thot I could get rid of it once n for all..

Gd news..

I'm chosen for IBSM.. together with Greg n Diana.. :)
Bt then again.. I've gt no $$.. sigh.. can start borrowing alr..

Read "The Daily Bread" today.. title is "But God..." I found it v gd..
Sometimes.. God has alr given us the ans..
Do we...
Follow what He says in obedience?
or..
Come up with some flimsy, silly excuses to disobey Him?

I admit.. I've been doing the 2nd one..

Everytime I'm faced with TT particular decision.. I'll say.. God.. I know I should obey U.. I think U're saying this.. BUT........

God.. I'm sorry.. Pls forgive me of my constant mistake.. maybe it's cos of tt tt's y everything's repeating itself OVER n OVER again..
Help me.. teach me..
Help me trust in U.. help me to take away the big BUT frm my dictionary.. and be obedient to all U've planned.. cos U alone knows what's gd n what's nt.. what's the best for us all..

"I dun understand how U can constantly forgive me.. even when it seems I dun change...."

I'm sorry...

All For Love - Hillsong

Verse 1:
All for love a Father gave.. For only love could make a way... All for love the heavens cried.. For love was crucified.

Pre-chorus:
Oh, how many times have I broken your heart... But still you forgive if only I ask..And how many times have you heard me pray..Draw near to me..

Chorus:
Everything I need is You
My beginning and forever
Everything I need is You

Verse 2:
Let me sing all for love.. I will join the angel song. Ever Holy is the Lord, King of Glory, King of All.

Bridge:
All for love a Saviour prayer.. Abba Father have your way.. Though they know not what they do.. Let the cross draw man to you

Today's sermon was v gd.. it was "Discovering the Lord's Peace in the midst of trials"..

We'll face trials in 3 aspects.. the heart, glory and flesh.. the peace tt we look for is rooted in Christ only.. and we should live lives glorifying God..

Choir practice wasn't tt gd.. think tt they gotta have more control.. I was like a bit impatient.. God.. I'm sorry.. help me to be more patient..

Today.. almost quarrelled with dear again.. cos I was telling him abt my packed schedule during the hols.. then I asked him to go to church on Christmas n New Yr's eve.. then he gt upset.. cos he didn't wanna spend the only time he has with me at church..

Dear.. I know u wanna spend time with me.. bt I'm always bz..
U're tired of giving.. tired of trying.. tired of everything tt's happening..
N for me.. yet for me.. I'm bz.. I'm pressed for time n everything else..

If I had another chance.. I would start anew.. nt do the things tt we know is wrong.. maybe nt start so soon bt wait till we've known each other more b4 doing anything.. coming to God together to ask of His grace and will..

Maybe this is it..
Maybe we can start over..

Pray abt it...

Went out with dar today.. stayed most the time at douby ghaut..

Dar gave me a necklace! She spent a lot on it.. in return, I bought her clothes.. :)

I saw this v nice pendant at Taka jewellery.. gt 4.. wanted to get one for myself, one for diana n one for nat.. bt I gt no money.. my bank like left with $29 only.. :(

At PS, there was this grp tt was invited over frm the Philippines.. there's this gal.. who sang a solo.. I dunno the title of the song she sang. bt it's really nice.. and the lyrics are really v meaningful.. I dunno the exact lyrics.. bt she sang smtg like.. "I dunno how U keep forgiving me when I do things wrong when it seems I dun change.." and the last song they sang was So You Would Come..

The main purpose of Christmas.. it's nt only for giving.. It's nt abt Santa.. or receiving presents frm ppl.. It's abt Giving.. abt God giving His only Son for us.. although we're so sinful.. although we do things wrong.. God is so merciful to forgive us..

Had Pepper Lunch for dinner.. yah.. u all should try.. :)

Dar.. I've nt felt so peaceful for a long time.. prob it's bcos I've been going further away frm God.. the songs I've heard today totally calmed me..

So You Would Come - Hillsong United

Before the world began
You were on His mind
And every tear you cry
Is precious in His eyes
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

Today I feel more at ease.. I'm still confused.. bt cos of the letter.. n the chpts of a book tt Junius passed to me..

The title of the book - I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris.. yeah.. it was once upon a time circulated among the teens in church.. I bought one for Michael for his bday abt.. 3 yrs back.. and now.. it's coming back again.. haha.. the wonders of it all.. God works things out.. everything..

In the past 2 mths especially, I've been thinking alot abt the present rlsp.. abt what's happening.. what's going wrong.. what's wrong.. what's right.. now.. I know..

Nth's right.. I've gotta find a rlsp tt's pleasing to God.. in His eyes.. there's this sub-chpt.. The Joy of Intimacy is the Reward of Commitment.. do u think u'll commit to any rlsp tt u're in now? Can u commit fully to it? Even the one tt u THINK will be ur other half might end up NT being ur future partner.. how will u feel then? Betrayed? Torn?
"You might say that intimacy between a man and a woman is the icing on the cake of a relationship headed toward marriage. And if we look at intimacy that way, then it becomes obvious that most of our dating relationships are all icing. They usually lack a purpose or a clear destination. In most cases, especially when we're younger, dating is short term, serving the needs of the moment. We date because we want to enjoy the emotional and physical benefits of intimacy without the responsibility of real commitment." (Joshua Harris. "The Little Relationship Principle" pg 29 in I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

A rlsp tt involves too much physical contact or even the "simple" thought of having sex is wrong.. cos the thoughts are nv simple.. "God wants us to pursue purity and blamelessness in our motives, our minds, and our emotions" (Joshua Harris. "So This Is Love" pg 22 in I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

Then there comes the qns.. what is the greatest need.. what is MY greatest need..

A rlsp tt leads me away frm God isn't right.. isn't beneficial for me.. neither is it for him..

"What is true joy? It's found in God's brand of love - love founded on faitfulness, love rooted in commitment.
The joy of intimacy is the reward of commitment."

I shall leave u all with these words...

"True love isn't just expressed in passionately whispered words or an intimate kiss or an embrace; before two people are married, love is expressed in self-control, patience, even words left unsaid." (Joshua Harris. "So This Is Love" pg 20 in I Kissed Dating Goodbye)

Pray.. only then will we know what God has planned..

These few days are... I dunno..

Stressful? There seem to be many things piling.. and nth seems to get done.. I think it's the prob of having on-going projects.. and it's MANY projects..

Yest, I told Alvin smtg.. smtg tt I know I cant tell anyone in SU.. I might nt be running for SU nxt yr.. so I told him.. tt he can be the president.. and work with his own committee..
It's.. v bad.. cos.. if he becomes the president.. SU might be more recognised.. bt no one will come back to help..

What to do? I'm bz enough as it is..

Dar gt admitted into the hospital last nite.. I dunno what happened.. bt she's on the drip.. think she fainted again.. she's like getting weaker each day.. it doesn't help tt projects are so heavy and the stress is getting more and harder to take..

God.. is it cos I'm doing too many things? Or cos I dun look to U enough.. or don't I look to U at all..?
Is it cos of my past mistakes or cos I'm too bz presently..?

I really cannot carry on like tt.. I can feel life being sucked out of me..

Help me Father..

My family's back... apparently they've learnt a lot from their 3-day trip to Cameron Highlands... esp the sermon tt they've heard tt was preached by a young Bible student..

It's on Ezekial 8..

The contrast between the God of the Old Testament(OT) and the God of the New Testament(NT)... notice tt in the OT, God is always punishing the Israelites and yet in the NT, He's portrayed as the God of love.. and why is it so? The Israelites sinned against God.. so does it mean that the ppl in the NT did nt sin against God or tt God has given up on them? Neither.. God, in Jesus came to save His ppl.. in His mercy, He gave His Son to suffer for His ppl's sake.

My dad let me read Psalms 139: 1-12

Psa 139:1 O LORD, thou hast searched me, and known me.
Psa 139:2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
Psa 139:3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
Psa 139:4 For there is not a wordin my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
Psa 139:5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
Psa 139:6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
Psa 139:7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
Psa 139:8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
Psa 139:9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
Psa 139:10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
Psa 139:11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
Psa 139:12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.

Daddy asked me to read this passage in relevance to myself.. like..

O LORD, thou hast searched me, Deborah, and known me.

What I can say is that... I've really drawn apart from Him.. The devotion of the day when I opened e-Sword was this..

Once More on Continuing in the Word of His Grace

I commend you to God and to the word of His grace, which is able . . . All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. (Act_20:32 and 2Ti_3:16-17)

God's word (which is "the word of His grace") is characterized by heavenly capability: "which is able . . . and is profitable for." By God's grace at work, the scriptures can bring us increasingly into the wholeness that is ours in Christ, as well as fully equip us for service unto Christ. All of the word of God's grace is divinely inspired. "All Scripture is given by inspiration of God." Although written through the instrumentality of men, its message is what God wanted to say. Therefore, the word is able to bring great spiritual profit into our lives: "and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness." God's word "is profitable for doctrine." This involves the teaching ministry of the word, revealing to us the path of godliness. "Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path" (Psa_119:105). Also, God's word "is profitable for . . . reproof." This involves the admonishing ministry of the word, telling us when we are drifting from God's path. "Now all these things happened to them as examples, and they were written for our admonition" (1Co_10:11). Further, God's word "is profitable for . . . correction." This involves the restoring ministry of the word, calling us back to the straight and narrow path of godliness. "Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the LORD, and He will have mercy on him; and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon" (Isa_55:7). Finally, God's word "is profitable for . . . instruction in righteousness." This involves the transforming ministry of the word, moving us on down the path of Christlikeness. "But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror [the mirror of the word] the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory" (2Co_3:18).

As we allow God's word to carry on this profitable, four-fold process, His grace is bringing us into a greater experience of the wholeness that is available to us in Christ: " that the man of God may be complete." Additionally, this process is preparing us comprehensively to serve the Lord in any manner that He desires: "thoroughly equipped for every good work.

"Dear Lord, I need the word of Your grace at work in my life daily. Please impact my life by the supernatural ability of Your word. Teach me, reprove me, correct me, and instruct me in righteousness that I might walk in Your wholeness and serve for Your glory, Amen.

Hope u all will benefit frm this post.. esp dar n dear.. Love u..

Dar was over at my plc the last 2 days.. Dear came for dinner too..

The dinner for this 2 days was great.. really.. VERY nice.. :P

The 1st nite.. we had spaghetti.. sauce was done with tomatoes, minced chicken fried with garlic, button mushrooms and the bottle of sauce.. had pig's kidney n liver soup.. sparkling juice - red grape.. n I think tt's abt it..

Breakfast was.. corn flakes with milk n hot dogs!

Today's dinner was beef steak.. side dishes include broccoli, carrot, tomato, baked beans, mashed potato (with mushroom gravy), campbell's soup (cream of corn chicken mushroom).. sparkling juice - red grape/peach.. had hot dogs too..

Nice.. really nice.. it's been a long time since dar n I have cooked together.. n it's def the 1st time 3 of us are in the kitchen at the same time..

Starting to miss them.. maybe it's cos I'm all alone at home now..
Maybe it's cos of all the excitement then now quiet..
Maybe it's a gd time to think back on all tt's happened..
Reflect..
Think what went wrong where..
What I did wrong..
What we did wrong..
Nt so much on cooking.. bt on everything else..

Did express mani n pedi today.. it's nice..

Dar, Robin, Ben n dear is at my plc..

I'm trying hard.. I'm doing my best.. I cant slp.. I cant rest.. although I know tt I'm v tired.. I still cant slp.. I have to try harder.. I can't rely on med..

My body seems to be telling me tt I cant do this for much longer.. bt I'm trying to hang on..

God.. help me.. Give me the strength to go on..

I really love u.. dar.. remain happy..

I'm in sch now.. having FMGT tutorial.. dear's accompanying dar to sch.. she's slping on his shoulders.. so sweet..

Dun be mistaken now.. I'm nt jealous at all.. I'm glad.. At least they're on gd terms..

Back to tt prob..

Someone was viewed as an alien cos of the face, the hair and the eyes.. at least the person is more receptive..

My heart and stomach's been aching.. I think it's heart burn.. bt it really hurts like crazy..

God.. help me..

How can u claim to be a person's best fren if..
U dunno what ur fren likes?
U cant seem to be able to communicate well with ur fren?
U dunno what to do at all?
U dunno how to handle ur fren?

How can u claim tt u love someone when..
U dun seem to understand tt person?
U dun think in the same frequency as tt person.. or so it seems..
Ur thinking is more for urself than for the other person or the rlsp as a whole..
U dun put urself in tt person's shoes to feel how tt person feels..

If I sound judgmental..
If u think I'm wrong..
I'm irritating..
So be it..

I'm highly unstable..
Extremely emotional..
Very bz..
Potentially crazy..
Dangerously on the verge of breaking down..

All I ask for..
is ur prayers..
ALL of ur prayers..
tt God will grant me grace n strength to continue walking this road tt He has planned for me..
tt I'll know His purpose..
tt I'll be able to go thru all this.. and still trust tt it's for my gd..

My family's going to Cameron Highlands for hols today.. and I'm nt going with them.. they'll only be back on mon.. I'll miss them..

Dar.. I love u.. dun ever give up on urself.. cos I'm nt giving up on u..

Today's one of the worst days in my life.. bt when I put myself intott person's shoes, I think it's probably one of the scariest days in tt person's life..

If u woke up.. nt knowing anyone ard u.. and the ppl are juz talking to u.. how would u feel?
If no matter how hard u try.. u still cant rmb a thing..
If u hurt so much..
If u're sure tt u're going home (to glory)..
If the only ppl u rmb are ur family members..
the only things u rmb are the songs tt u've heard b4..
the ppl u once knew become strangers..

What if..
U're the one being forgotten..
U know it's nt the other party's fault..
bt u still hurt at it..
U try hard to help tt person..
bt the other party shuns u.. and it's nt tt person's fault..
U feel torn for words.. n dunno what to do..
bt u cant break down.. cos tt person needs u the most now..

God.. help us all.. help tt person.. help all of us..
Do what U see is right in Ur eyes..
Help the rest of us to know tt whatever U plan is for our good..
tt we'll be able to learn..
tt U'll guide us.. and lead us..
Help us to continually praise n glorify Ur name..
Forgive us our sins..
In Jesus' name..
Amen.

Dar.. I love u.. Diana Quah.. I really do..

I nv knew of ur temper till I gt with u.. u used to be someone with patience, who cared.. maybe it's cos of me.. cos I didn't put in effort.. or so.. u say..

I don't expect much.. I dun expect u to pay for every meal.. I dun expect u to go out with me everyday.. or every other day.. I dun really expect anything.. maybe it's cos I dun expect.. tt's y u think I dun care..

I had a last min mtg with John.. u called.. twice.. I didn't pick up.. then diana called me.. asked me to meet her in can 1.. then u called.. and asked me qns like y didn't I pick up.. what I was doing.. n didn't I know how to call back.. I know u're worried.. bt u didn't have to shout at me..

I know.. I told u tt I could acc u juz now.. bt I had to rush my presentation.. so u ended up going home instead.. I'm sorry for tt.. I really dun spend a lot of time with u.. tt's totally my fault..

I dunno if I should say this..

If u think tt I dun love u.. I've gt nth else tt I can say..
If u think tt I'm bullying u.. toying with u.. or anything of tt sort.. I can't do anything else..
If u think tt I throw tantrums unnecessarily.. or tt I'm overly unreasonable.. tell me..
Then again.. u 're sick n tired of telling me alr.. cos to u.. I dun listen..

It's nt ez to be in a rlsp.. I've learnt..
U can give.. n give.. n somehow.. it seems tt the other party doesn't seem to care..

To u.. our prob is me..

Pull the plug on it n there wun be any prob left..

Maybe I came too early.. maybe I came too late..

U said tt me wanting to solve the probs came too late.. u said tt it came when u're alr sick n tired of telling me.. when u're alr beat at trying to solve the prob..
Perhaps u tried too hard.. or nt hard enough..

I'm oso tired.. bt cos it's for US.. tt's y I'm still trying..

Many times I ask myself y am I trying so hard.. y is this so tough.. y am I struggling like this.. sometimes I think I found the ans.. bt maybe it's nt what I want to hear.. or know.. tt's y I keep trying..

I used to say tt I can do it.. Yes.. I still believe tt I can do everything thru Christ who strengthens me.. bt really.. aft sloughing so hard since sec sch till now.. I really cannot take it anymore.. I dun even know how else could I have survived the rest if nt for God..

U always tell me nt to pull God into our probs.. bt maybe tt's the BIGGEST prob.. God's nt the center of our rlsp.. He's nt a common goal.. tt's y the longer we are together.. the more friction we face.. the more struggles n probs we have.. the more tired we get..

Dear.. u always complain tt I dun tell u things.. I dun.. cos telling it straight in a person's face will hurt more than writing it out.. I'm nt gd with words.. cos I can't sugar-coat them.. They'll juz come out blunt.. n it'll cut..

Dear.. I pray tt one day.. u'll find God.. tt hopefully.. one day.. u'll believe..

I read dar's blog.. Dar.. I'm thankful to God tt He's brought u back to Him thru ak.. I know tt u've been thru a lot.. n the way ppl treat u.. including me.. isn't all tt gd.. I thank God for bringing u into my life..

I wanna let u know how impt u are to me..

U.. are my sister.. my best fren.. my encourager, comforter.. u've always been there for me when the rest only know how to comment and grieve me..
U're the most impt person to me.. I dunno how to pull thru whatever I did if it wasn't for ur constant encouragement..
U taught me things tt many couldn't.. helped me thru situations when others didn't care.. was by my side without grudges..
U've a strong heart n character.. u could see the gd in others when the rest can only see the bad..

U told me tt God nv puts an impt person into ur life then take him/her away like tt.. Maybe He juz wants us to learn..

I know tt ur body is getting weaker by the day.. and I pray tt He'll sustain u.. and keep u..
bt IF..
IF one day soon He were to take u away..

I'll still smile n say..
Thank you God for u..

Dar.. I love u..
Although I may nt show..
Although I might trouble u A LOT..

I really do..
Love u..